Driving in Malaysia can either be very easy, or it can be hazardous to your life. Some people take multiple driving exams because they want to boost their confidence before risking their lives on the road.
Let's get started by knowing the more common inhabitants of Malaysian roads.
Rarity : Very common
Speed : From fucking slow to fucking fast
How to Recognize : One of the most easiest signs is to hear for the loud bassy Chinese Techno music that they pump from their stolen subwoofers. Many of these vehicles comprises of Proton Wiras, Sagas, Gen-2s, Iswaras, Satrias, and sometimes Perdanas.
The vehicle would probably have the largest spoiler you've ever seen, bodykits so low that they grind along the road, and exhaust pipes ranging from huge to impossible.
If you see one that has a bodykit painted halfway or small exhaust pipes, most probably its an Indian or Malay Ah Beng.
It is recommended that you do not look in the direction of one when passing by, doing so may cause the Ah Beng inside to stare at you angrily while cursing your Mom's smelly vagina.
Rarity : Not much (Thankfully)
Speed : Slower than a handicapped tortoise
How to Recognize : Just like their age, most of them drive really old cars, so be on a lookout for dilapidated, rust covered cars that don't seem to be moving, but rather sliding along the road by pure momentum alone.
Rarity : Pretty much as the same as Ah Bengs
Speed : Dangerously random
How to Recognize : Cars that you see driving on the emergency lanes and overtaking people using the left lane. Usually the newest model of Hondas and Toyotas.
Whether it may be to rushing to work, or going back home to watch Netflix, they are constantly trying to find the fastest way back home and also maximizing the efficiency of endangering other motorists.
Rarity : Rare
Speed : Lightspeed
How to Recognize : Your probably won't be able to see one coming. Instead you will feel a slight rumble and seconds later you'll see a tiny speck into the horizon of what looks like a Ferrari or Lamborghini. If that speck looks like a Proton, then you have encountered a Rich Ah Beng.
How Often Will You Encounter : Everyfuckingwhere
Speed : Depends on the weather
How to Recognize : Do you really not know what a motorcycle is?
Rarity : Like shiny Pokemon
Speed : Rather slow lumbering creature
How to Recognize : Big, and white. Polar bears may appear on roads due to time-space distortion, they are extremely dangerous due to their feral nature and may take a swipe at your vehicle. If you encounter one, back away slowly and pray to a God of your choice while throwing money at it's general direction.
Good drivers never stop moving. The sign of a stationary vehicle is a sign of weakness that other drivers will seek to exploit. If something is stopping your way forward, you should reverse until you have room to move forward and repeat. If you can't even move backwards, you should proceed to get out of the car and run around in circles until you can move your car again.
Tailgating is cool. It is proven in scientific tests that tailgating will reduce the friction your car generates thus making it go faster and also saving fuel in the process.
Also, sometimes the idiot in front of you needs some persuasion to get the hell out of the fast lane because he/she is driving like a mentally disabled dead snail.
If he/she still does not move, trying flashing your lights, if he/she STILL does not move, bang him/her in the rear end and escape after his/her car swerves and crashes into the divider and/or other cars.
Use the horn. The horn is perhaps one of the most important tool in your car. You should always use the horn in the following situations :
-You want someone to get out of your way
-You want someone to go faster
-You want someone to go slower
-You want someone to stop
-You're hungry
-You're sad
-You're happy
-You're testing out the horn
-You're driving
-Its a Monday (or any other day)
Try to predict what other drivers will do. For example :
-Vehicles with right signal light turned on. The vehicle will NEVER turn right but will go left or straight.
-Vehicles with left signal light turned on. The driver accidentally hit the signal indicator or forgot to turn it off.
-Vehicles with no signal light turned on. The vehicle will most probably swerve to the right or left without warning.
Talking on the cellphone while driving is also, cool. You will always look cool while talking on the cellphone while driving, no matter your age. This sends out a message to other drivers that you are a experienced driver that can multitask easily and should not be messed with. You will also gain respect with the Ah Bengs and Rich People.
If you are in a hurry, don't be afraid to drive fast. It is always understandable to drive like an asshole when you are in a hurry to go somewhere. This includes overtaking overtaking from left or right, going over a divider to save time from U-turning, and flashing your lights repeatedly to indicate that you are really trying to get somewhere.
The traffic light is an invaluable tool in keeping bloodthirsty motorists at bay, here are some guidelines on how to react.
Green Light : Go ahead, as fast as possible
Yellow Light : Go fucking faster because it's about to turn red
Red Light : Stop! However, it is acceptable to drive through a red light for exceptions like:
-You're in a hurry
-You were in a hurry
-You think you're in a hurry
-You've encountered a Polar Bear and its chasing after you
-You're colour blind
-The voices in your head commands you to go ahead
-Your favorite Nasi Lemak stall is closing soon
-You need to save the KL Twin Towers from invading mutant hamsters
These are all valid excuses you can use when you are stopped by the traffic police.
How to interpret some common road signs.
Use these to determine where you want to go, the numbers next to the name of the place means how fast you can drive in that city.
I think it's safe to say you have probably gone the wrong way.
Don't do drugs.
That ends our guide to driving in Malaysia, safe travels!
