Chapter I-
Like most stories, this one begins in a loony bin. A stranger dressed in a long robe enters the darkened hallway. There are cages to his right, left and a door at the end. People in the asylum announce their presence by hurling their feces at the stranger. The stranger reacts by running across the hallway to avoid the poop. Finally he enters a room at the end of the corridor. The man grabs a seat covered with feces. He looks upon it in great deliberation. Then decides not to sit down!
Arch Angel name I forgot, “I've been looking for you for a long time Mary Us. I was beginning to think you did not want to be... Found.”
Mary Us, “Forgive me, it was the Wanderer... It was his fault.”
Arch Angel looks around and slowly replies, “Really?”
Mary Us, “I will tell you a long story on how this started.”
Arch Angel rests up against the wall and says, “Wake me when you're done.”
Mary Us, “It all started way back... Way, way, way back. I was smoking caffeine. People tell me you are supposed to drink it. But what do they know?! I needed to stay awake. For when I fell asleep the dreams would haunt me. This guy dressed in a red, and green stripped sweater with claws for hands would try to kill me. I would fight sleep for days on end. Then the Wanderer entered. Demons emerged from his body. I saw a battle within him. And he was winning. I mean. He was losing! Everyone in the bar was killed by the demons that spawned from the Wanderer. The demons wouldn’t go near me; out of fear of getting some kind of incurable disease. After the carnage I decided to follow the Wanderer, as he left the bar. I don’t know what drove me to such madness? Maybe it was lack of sleep? Maybe it was the coffee? We then traveled North, always North. He checked his map after a week, then it was East, always East."
Mary Us continues, "After 2 weeks we entered the rogue camp. He tried to hire a mercenary to fight for him. But they were too expensive. So he waited for one to die on the battle field. The grim man used his powerful pixie magic to resurrect her to fight for him. I regret to say by the time he employed her, he realized he was being followed. So we left the mercenary, Blood Raven behind in a cemetery. Then he hired a lesser demon named, Andy. He left her behind too. His strategies puzzled me? The Wanderer decided, after Andy, to travel to the desert. I rented a camel but never rode it. The camel died because I forgot to feed it. I kicked it one last time for luck. We came to a great city... called Loot Golame.”
From here on we'll switch between Mary Us, and the main character. Split stories are all the rage. Ahem! A lone heroin enters the small camp of rogues. She encounters a witch who tells her the tales of the land. The witch recalls Diablo’s origin. He mostly ruled the under world. Diablo had to share his empire with his two brothers, Hemphisto, and Bail Bonds. Bail Bonds was addicted to RTS games. Diablo had nothing to fear from Bail. But Hemphisto kept hogging the bathroom. Diablo wanted his own bathroom. So he set out to invade Earth. But alas Earth was taken by this guy called, Stan so he went to another planet. The mighty champion asks the witch how she came across such specific knowledge? The witch retorts by giving the heroin a vital task. To go to a hole in the ground and kick out some red imps. A quest!
After that the heroin is tasked to venture deeper. Into the lands that occupy outer, Tristram. She battles through hordes of undead and some deadly… Porcupines! Eventually she learns to craft a portal using stone pillars, a scroll, gum, and some paper clips. The heroin takes the portal to the city of, Tristram. Inside she spots a cage with someone, old still alive inside. It's Deckhard Cain! He was in Diablo 1 and 3. However the poor legless boy, town drunk, the drunken black smith, and drunken fortune teller didn't survive! You can find their bodies scattered about the ruined town. After that you engage Cain in conversation.
Cain, “Get me down you fool!”
Hero, “You must be Magic the Gathering Deckhard Cain.”
Cain, “Let me tell you a story.”
Hero, “No thanks. I’ll get you down. Take that portal back to town. Make sure you take the blue one, then cross over using the yellow one. Don’t take the red one. If you do, take the purple pill.”
Cain, “Go where now?”
After about 7 tries the heroin finally rescues Cain. Later at the rogue camp the two converse further.
Cain, “In order to kill Diablo you need the soul stone.”
Hero, “Do I get money for this?”
Cain, “Yes, but you’ll spend it all on potions.”
Hero, “What if I buy magic find gear? Wait, that will cost me money too. Is there a way I can do this without spending money?”
CK7564675 joins the game, “Buy SOJ You Buy Now! Great Deal. Come now! Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.GTFO_SRA.cooooommmmmunism.com”
Hero, “What was that?”
Cain, “That was a bot.”
BAMBIGOSCREW43676783554 joins, “WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWW.LOOOOOTTTSTUUUPIIIIDDD.com”
Hero, “Wah! Madness!”
GG90909090909090 joins, BL559900987878 joins, ISPAMUSTOOPID5543 joins.
Cain, “Spam N! Spam N for all your worth young lady! It’s our only hope!”
Chapter II-
Mary Us, “We entered the desert city through the sewers. They were infested with rats. So we left and entered a nearby tome. It was infested with giant bugs. That wasn't happening. So we exited, and went to a tome that was well maintained. This was the tome of, Tall Rooster. Tall Rooster a powerful caster defeated the mighty, Bail Bonds. However once you kill the three overlords they always come back. The mages learned that the demon lords could be contained in these colored crystal shards. So the mages decided to encase Bail Bonds inside the crystal and ram it into, Tall Rooster. Tall Rooster began to lose control of Bail. So they resorted to tying their master down to this huge stone deep inside a temple where he could never get free. Unless someone untied him, or the ropes broke, or an earthquake. Someone could have poked him with a stick, as I observed the scene. I noticed as the wanderer drew closer to Tall Rooster’s prison he became stronger, and even in the dark he seemed to know the way. He bumped his head many times, almost broke his legs falling, but he somehow; somehow knew the way. It was there inside, the deepest part of the tomb we saw, Bail Bonds the lord of RTS! He looked mad. The wanderer moved with demonic speed, his every thought bent on freeing his brother. But then... an angel appeared. It was you Tyrial, Tyrant, Taylor? The fight was intense. I decided to get the heck out, but I didn't know the way. So I walked across the fiery bridge to Bail, for directions.
Bail spoke with urgency, "Untie me, pull this shard out of my chest, drop your pants, moon the Arch Angel and I'll tell you how to get out."
Mary Us, "Ok."
Taylor the Arch Angel recounts those moments and says to Mary US, "Bail was a crafty demon. Always tricking me to set random stuff in the room on fire."
Back to the story Bail says, "Thank you. Take that corridor behind me to the main floor. Then take a right at the doomsday paintings."
Mary Us, "Ok."
Taylor grabbed Mary Us, after he freed Bail, and says with anger, "You fool! You have doomed us all! Now take the crystal. Take what you have in your hand, and go to the temple of Doom. I mean, Travincal. Muster up the courage to go into the gate that leads to Hell. You must smash the shard inside the hell forge. Now hurry!"
Mary Us, “What choice did I have? I ran.”
The heroin enters the desert town of Loot Golame; after killing Blood Raven, freeing Cain, killing Andy, dating some locals, writing some books, and working part time at the local Inn.
Jerry the prince of the town greets the adventurer, “Welcome to my town. The people here will help you in your quest. But first traverse the desert aimlessly to help cure the sun.”
Heroin, “The sun?”
Jerry, “Yes it seems to go dark at random points in the day.”
Hero, “You sure that’s not nighttime?”
Jerry, “That must be it! You are truly amazing!”
Heroin, “Thanks…”
Jerry, “I hired a mage to help me fix some of the seals in the palace. He’s not doing a good job. All the people inside are dead. If you see the mage. Tell him he’s fired.”
Heroin, “Will do.”
Cain interrupts, “Hold on! You must get the, Horadric Cube before venturing further.”
Heroin, “What does it do?”
Cain, “This will be an extremely long story. Stay a while and listen.”
Heroin, “That’s alright. I’ll head out and get the cube.”
After obtaining the cube. The heroin revisits town to brag about her accomplishment.
Heroin, “I got the cube. I’m heading into the palace.”
Cain, “Now head out and obtain the, Hyper Vic Viper staff.”
Heroin, “What does the staff do?”
Cain, “It will open the tomb of Tall Rooster. The wall sealing the entrance is solid stone.”
Heroin, “Can’t I just use magic?”
Cain, “That’s a good idea. Do that instead.”
Jerry, “Can you help remove the demons in my palace? The bodies are starting to stink up the place. My lies to the people no longer work.”
Heroin, “Just tell them it’s a paper factory. No one will question the smell.”
Jerry, “Thank you kind lady. I will do so immediately. Here’s the key to the jail cell. If you happen to see this portal that leads into another dimension, do not panic. I was experimenting with some questionable ladies.”
Heroin bolts into the palace, “I am a mighty slayer of demons! I fear nothing.”
It's empty. Looks like the demons went home. The heroin enters the palace basement. She reaches the portal Jerry mentioned and enters. She looks around.
Heroin, “Oh good god! Where’s the floor?! The walls?!” It's a series of platforms connected, floating in what looks like out space.
Outside Jerry says to Cain, “I hope she’ll be alright. We never got around to clearing out the demons that began to infest the void. So we just sealed the dimension.”
Cain, “She’ll be fine.”
Back to the Heroin, “Wahhhhhh! This place is infested with demons. No! They spotted me! I think I can see a mage in the distance! He’ll help me!”
The heroin runs over to the mage with an army of demons behind her.
Arch Mage, “Who are you?”
Heroin, “I am the mighty… Janitor! Can you call off those demons chasing me?”
Arch Mage, “About time! This place hasn’t been cleaned for 1,000 years! Just look at the dust on this book… Achoo!”
The mage sneezes violently, from the dust dispersing. He loses his balance and careens off the platform to fall for infinite.
Heroin, “Wasn’t I supposed to fire him? This book appears important. I shall open it!”
The Book speaks inside her mind, “Take this portal. It will lead you to the evil one Bail. Make sure to return me to the arcane science library in the capital. I’m past due.”
Heroin, “Very well.”
A portal opens up the heroin steps through. She looks around and realizes she’s only 10 feet from, Lut Golame and at the door step of Bail’s tomb!?
Heroin, “By Dustin's hairy balls! I could have just walked here!”
Inside the tomb are legions of monsters. The heroin spends the entire day fending them off. Eventually arriving at the chamber of Tall Rooster.
Heroin, “I made it! That boss was especially scary. But it was a good warm up for, Bail. Prepare yourself demon!”
Arch Angel Taylor approaches the female, “Bail Bonds is gone. Along with him, his brother Diablo. There is nothing more to do here.”
Heroin, “But I got this cube. I had to slay this massive demon worm. They even sent me into the sewers, I, I, WHY?!”
Taylor, “All hope isn’t lost. Travel to the city in the Jungle Travast. Now hurry. I will stand here and look important.”
Heroin, “Will you at least warp me out?”
Taylor, “No.”
Chapter III
Mary Us, “In the jungle temple. Deep inside, always deep inside. I could see the 3 demon lords. I moved in closer to hear what they were saying.”
Mary Us recalls Diablo speaking, "The time has come for us to take back our land..."
Hemp, "That’s my line Diablo! Ahem! You must go forth into Smell. I mean Hell, and lead an army back here so we can rule over the humans. Bring forth your terror!"
Bail Bonds, "Don't forget to pick up Star Craft 3. I left that in hell. The new Cyclone patch should be out."
Hemp, "Burn it! He‘ll just spend the entire week trying to make Grand Uber Masters!"
Bail Bonds, "Nooo! Fine! Just leave it in my room!"
Mary Us, "After that exchange, I saw Diablo step in the portal leading to hell. Whatever courage I had left, failed me. I decided not to go in. Instead I ran away. Later on I would invest my life savings into gold. But the market failed. I claimed insanity to avoid paying off my debt. I hid the shard in my…”
Taylor, "Nasty! Don't tell me you…"
Mary Us, "No. I hid it under my arm pit. No one checks there. But back to the story.”
Taylor, "Thank the devil."
Mary Us, "What?"
Taylor, "Nothing. Please continue."
A fishing boat, no wait. Pirate boat. Yar! The ship arrives at the docks of a once mighty town. Now all that’s left is a ruins slowly being engulfed by the jungle. Meshif, the ship captain disembarks with the passengers.
Heroin, "What happened here?!”
Meshif, “My homeland. It’s good to be back!”
A nearby wall comes crumbling down. The locals look depressed and malnourished.
Herion, “I can see why you sail the ocean.”
Meshif, “Yes. I’m not missing much.”
Herion, “Cain you stand there and look important. I’ll sort my inventory. It‘s maxed out. Once that‘s done; what should we do here Cain?”
Cain, “You must go on a series of quests. Each takes you deeper into the jungle.”
Heroin, “Or I can pretend I’m a Hemphisto follower and sneak in.”
Cain, “Be forewarned Hemphisto is the smartest of the 3 evil brothers. He will surely be expecting such a tactic.
Shortly after that the Heroin dresses up as one of the zealot priests and sneaks in. She kills, Hemphisto with no effort. Before her is the portal that leads to Hell. She musters up the courage, MaryUs could not find and enters to face Diablo.
Chapter IV-
Mary Us, "I found out later that a lone female ventured into the Hell portal. She dispatched Hemphisto who was guarding the gateway. She must have been very powerful to take down such a beast. After that Diablo was slain in Hell. The crystal shards Cain was hiding underneath his arms were smashed at the hell forge. Except for one."
Taylor, "You have it? Give it to me Mary Us."
Mary Us, "I'm so sorry. Look... Look! Look what the stone has done to me!"
Taylor holds out his hand and says, "The crystal, Mary Us."
Mary Us pulls out the yellow shard, "Take it, take it, take it! I'm glad this is finally over! I have regretfully failed my task."
Taylor unveils his face, "You did not fail. You did all along what you were supposed to do." He reveals he's not Taylor. The mask comes off.
Mary Us, "Bail Bonds! Noo... NOOO! Wait how were you sure I would do this?"
Bail, “I’m used to be in Grand Masters. Now, I think you shall have your reward. (Lots of laughing)”
Mary Us, “I get a reward?”
Bail, “Yes, you get to play Star Craft Ghost. I got the only playable copy out of a garbage bin near a bar! Blizzard employees must have been patrons there.”
Mary Us, “Good night!”
Mary Us commits suicide by eating the feces on the chair.
Bail, “He must have thought I was going to kill him!? It couldn’t be the game. Ahem! I need to get back into ladder, watch some videos and do my nails. Then I‘ll avenge my fallen brothers, and take over the world!”
Chapter V-
Well this is weird. The narrator died. I guess that's why it's a split story.
A dark cloud moves toward the city of Hargoth. A barbarian guard standing at the end of the bridge, leading to town sees the cloud draw closer. As it approaches, the guard can begin to confirm the outlines of monsters. Hovering above are hordes of flying demons. He grabs his spear with a tension like no other. Eventually the army of demons stops right before the bridge. The demons move right and left like an ocean wave parting. In the middle of the mob is a lone figure. It is Bail! The guard quickly realizes he’s screwed. He looks behind and the gate is locked. He forgot his keys!
Bridge Guard gathers courage +1 and says, “Bail! You shall not…”
Bail, “Hold on.”
Bridge Guard, “Are you done?”
Bail, “Yes.”
Bridge Guard, “Bail! Your evil is not…”
Bail, “Hold on.”
Bridge, “Ok.”
Bail, “Continue.”
Bridge Guard, “Bail! Your brothers were defeated. You too will…”
Bail, “Hold on.”
Bridge, “What madness is this?!”
Bail, “Look behind you.”
Bridge Guard looks around curiously and says, “What am I looking for?”
Bail, “Are there not blood thirsty imps near you?”
Bridge Guard, “No. Just the gate.”
Bail, “You stupid imps! I told you my plan!”
Imp A replies forgetfully, “Oh yeah. We forgot.”
Bail gets angry and says, “Just charge! Charge!!!!!”
The army descends upon the city walls and a large war ensues.
A wrecked city, with few left alive inside welcome the arrival of the heroin that defeated, Diablo and Hemphisto. They also greet, Cain who never seems to age.
Anya, “Welcome to what is left of our once prominent city. Bail came by a few days ago and devastated these lands. He now resides in mount Arreat. If he infects the world stone all is lost. The fragments of the giant crystal were used to imprison, Diablo and Hemphisto. It also acts as a doorway between the two worlds.”
Heroin, “What happens if we smash it?”
Anya, “We never considered that?”
Cain, “You must embark on a quest to forge a holy sword to smash the world stone.”
Heroin, “Or I could just blow it up with explosives?”
Cain interjects, “Once again your wit is a great godsend to us all!”
Heroin, “Yeah… So I’ll sneak in and…”
Anya replies, “It will not be an easy journey. You must travel up this path which is guarded by hordes of demons. Then you must defeat the 3 guardians of the mountain. Finally I’ll get kidnapped. You must rescue me from the back stabbing Necromancer, Nilly.”
Heroin, “Wait, what was that last part?”
Anya, “Nothing.”
Cain, “I’ll venture around town and gather information. I’ll pretend to look important but not really anything outside of identifying items.”
Heroin says with great ire, “Fine. Just one more demon lord, just one more. Don’t go insane. Don’t go insane.”
Taylor, “I will aid you.”
Heroin, “Taylor!”
Taylor, “It’s Tyrial!”
Heroin, “I’m so sorry. I’ve been calling you Taylor the whole time. So you’re actually a woman?”
Tyrial, “I’m not a woman! I'm a 7 foot, black man!”
Cain, “But it sounds like a young lass’s name?”
Tyrial becomes enraged and says before teleporting away, “Just for that I’m not helping!”
Anya whispers to the main character, “She’s not very nice.”
The journey begins anew with a steep climb up a mountain. The enemies operate catapults. The bombardment is fierce. There are barbarian warriors that willingly assist in this treacherous climb. Once she reaches the top a deadly demon awaits. She spams the fireball spell. The mighty demon goes down easily. So much for that. Inside the mountain summit is a maze of caverns that go all over. You can see a mage stuck in ice.
Anya, “Help! I’m stuck in ice!” (I just said that!)
Heroin, “How did you get here?”
Anya, “I was going to tell you there was a shortcut. I made it to the location, used a freeze potion instead of a flame potion.”
Heroin, “I appreciate the aid. Are there any other shortcuts?”
Anya, “No.”
Heroin, “Useless. Everyone is useless! I’ll hack you out. Then I expect you to go home and stay there!”
Anya, “Awww! (whispers) I still didn't get kidnapped.”
With that aimless exchange taken care of the battle continues. The mountain passage eventually leads to the outside. There are 3 life sized statues of barbarian heroes. They are solid gold. The heroin gets greedy and tries to pillage the golden statues. They activate. The figures come to life with ferocity and begin attacking. The heroin looks for a way out. She spots a door nearby but it’s sealed. She kicks the lock off, runs inside. The summons don’t follow. The heroin finds a way point stone and teleports back to town for a break.
Larzuk the blacksmith approaches with a look of dire, “Thank the heavens you have come back! Anya is missing!”
Heroin, “I know she took a shortcut up the mountain and got stuck. I freed her.”
Larzuk, “Indeed. But she went missing again. Ask Nilly what happened.”
Heroin, “I told her not to go anywhere!”
Cain approaches, “Stay a while and listen.”
Heroin says, as she walks to the Necromancer, “Not now Cain!”
Nilly, “Hello miss. Anya was kidnapped by an evil Necromancer.”
Heroin, “But you are a Necromancer?”
Nilly, “Yes, but I’m a good guy. Would I lie? Wink.”
Heroin, “Where was she taken?”
Nilly, “Go to this location. I’m sure the enemy won’t expect a rescue since no one knows where it is.”
Larzuk, “But how do you know the locatio…”
Nilly, “Quite you! I mean, all will be revealed when you arrive.”
The Heroin enters a run down shack. The place is littered with bones. Everything seems empty until the bones start moving. Then the bones form fully into skeletons and begin attacking. The Heroin realizes it’s a trap. She runs into a house nearby, finds a door leading to the basement.
Nilly hears the door open, sees her and begins talking, “I congratulate you on making it this far.”
Heroin, “You were the scoundrel?! Why kidnap Anya?”
Nilly, “Bail told me she was an idiot who got caught in ice earlier. He said she would be perfect bait. I didn’t believe him until I saw it for myself.”
Anya, “Help!”
Nilly, “Shut up! I’ll deal with you later. Bail promised me great power if I betrayed you fools. Huh? (she vanishes) Where did you go? Miss come out? So I can kill you!”
Heroin appears behind him, “Very well.”
Nilly, “How did you get behind me?!”
The Heroin attacks Nilly with one decisive attack. Nilly falls over dead.
Anya, “Wow! He was so engulfed in his speech he stopped watching you!”
Herion, “He was never a threat. Bail knew that. He was merely here to delay me. Bail has won. I told you not to get into trouble!” The Heroin stumbles over with a feeling of dread.
Anya, “All is not lost! I found another shortcut. Quick take it!” A portal appears.
Heroin, “Really? Here I come Bail!”
She enters the newly created portal and emerges deep within the world stone chamber. Before her is Bail.
Bail, “How ever did you get past the guardians?”
Heroin, “The golden statues? They were really angry at me. So I smashed open the door nearby, and ran inside.”
Bail, “Impossible! Those doors are unbreakable!”
Heroin, “Who told you that?”
Bail, “Nilly. Oh…”
Heroin, “It’s ok I killed his traitorous ass.”
Bail, “Good!”
Heroin, “Now I’ll kill you.”
Bail, “That’s not good. Besides there‘s no way you can defeat me.”
Heroin, “I killed your brothers.”
Bail, “… Pre.. Prepare for combat!” Bail gets extremely nervous.
The Heroin lights a dynamite barrel and tosses it at Bail. He explodes. The place begins to fall apart from the huge explosion. Tyrial emerges.
Tyrial, “Well done human. Now destroy the world stone.”
Heroin, “I can’t I used all the dynamite on Bail. Now his spirit is infecting the world stone.”
Tyrial, “Stand back I’ll smash it with my sword. This is farewell human.”
Heroin whispers, “Zoom.” She uses the still opened portal to escape.
Tyrial does not notice and says, “I only hope that you… Where did you go? She’s gone?! To hell with this. I’m done!”
Tyrial throws his sword at the world stone smashing it into a million pieces. He teleports back to heaven. He doesn't appear again until Diablo 3. The Heroin retires somewhere, trains an apprentice who shows up in Diablo 3. Peace is slowly restored to the lands. Cain raises the daughter of the Witch from Chapter 1. Everyone is happy until Diablo 3.
