Naturally I have always been an introvert, my safe space is the media. Where my thoughts can be expressed without those looks and the facial expressions, or facial condemnation,or even the side talk that breaths external judgement.
Being so, I find myself to be more careful on my choices of words, and company. I have a dream and passion; I want to lecture. It's a conflicting notion; 'An introvert becoming a teacher/lecturer'.
The thing is the safe space I have created for myself is in my head, or inside my room or media. I had to leave it, so I can pursue my passion and dreams.
In that pursuit I had to start from somewhere so I applied to teach in a secondary school, on getting the work and standing in front of the students, little students ooo, I blurred my vision so I could not see their faces. I recall learning that while I was still in the university. I normally avoid crowded places, and events, I avoid clubs, or churches, or staying in a specific church for long so they won't consider giving me a position. All so I don't get to address or speak to people.
Back then in school I was appointed/elected into the zonal office (a position) which implies I will always be in the presence of people. But I was as effective as I could be, because I do more of delegation and instructions rather than relation. And most of it was on phone. So it wasn't hard. But Infront of the student, this was different. Imagination began to flood my head, my thoughts were overwhelmed with the fear of saying the wrong thing, although they are little, yet that still didn't help, not the slightest.
Source
Some days back I attended a Parent Teachers Association (P.T.A) meeting, during the cause of the meeting, a parent noted an error that kept repeating itself and in so doing asked that we corrected it. So the management asked for a whiteboard marker so as to write the correct thing for all to see. Being a good teacher as I was, I stood up and took the marker forward to offer it to the men on high table.
On reaching the high table I was delegated to make the correction (write it on the board). At that moment doubt kicked in, in those split seconds, I have though of many plausible possibilities; should I still insist on giving them the marker, or run out of the meeting, or fake a faint, I even went as far as to wish the trumpet should sound so all of it became meaningless. All those things were just vivid imagination.
I took courage and wrote it on the board, currently but of cause not without the doubt and fear of being judged, either I have spelled it wrongly or my handwriting was too bad to be read. Even at that, I wrote it anyway. So after writing it l was done, free of the boarding, only to realise that it was not over, I was told to teach the parents. Hmmm lol.
Thank the creator I am alive at this moment.
In essences I am not comfortable with the outside world, the world beyond the endless possibilities in my head, the un-judge-able versity of my room and phone.
What then have I learnt
Nothing, absolutely nothing, I was told to in pursuit of my dreams I will have to trim out the unwanted, which begot more fear and anxiety.
So if I say I learnt anything from trying to loose my shell, it would be that:
I have learnt that it is hard. It is hard on me "the introvert".
I have also learnt that people judge you more, because everyone wants to be right and better.
I have learnt that nobody cares, the little that do won't always be around to support or cheer you up.
I also learnt I needed to go out often, so I would be disgraced and insulted to grow a little each time.
Well, that is all I have learnt. Maybe I would learn more positive once later in life. I was told learning is a process, a journey and not a destination. Maybe I will learn. But untill then, I would regard all the negative knowledge as "NOTHING".
The only consolation is that, after every disastrous exposure, someone say, "Hey Ray you spoke well".
Even at that I begin to tell myself, what if the person is just say it out of pity. So many what if. I wished they had said nothing. Leaving me to my empty thoughts.
I will learn. That's all I have learnt.
