Originally written 08/2005
I only manage to get a few hours of sleep a night. The only chance I get to play Guitar Hero and drink beer is after the family goes to bed. Even then I'll have my wife shouting at me from the top of the stairs. Sometimes I listen in between riffs. I think she's really into time management because whenever she calls down to me in the middle of the night it's always something about "5AM!......WORK...." That's all I ever hear because I instinctively turn the volume up after the first sign of activity upstairs. We have no doors in the house because I kick them down all the time, because playing Guitar Hero is the same as playing guitar and I'm a rock star (rock stars never open doors. They always kick them down). Every time she wants to have a discussion about what time it is, she ruins my 231,234,123 note streak because I rule so much.
I tell her to leave me alone and nail the sheet over the doorway. That's when my star power overwhelms her.
She dives down the entire flight of stairs head first and starts to throw things at me! So I start cruising from couch to couch while doing mid-air splits and ripping solos and hammer ons! Then she gets so into it that she charges me and starts ripping out my hair and tearing my clothes! So like any rock-star worth his weight in awesome, I kick her over the couch into a simulated stage dive and toss one of my sweat bands down to her. This is when she just can't contain herself any longer. She totally submits to my singularity of awesomeness and begins weeping uncontrollably! So I give her the signal to go wait for me backstage (a.k.a. the bedroom) so she can bathe me after my always stellar performance and we can make sweet love. I usually pass out drunk on the couch before I ever make it upstairs, but she doesn't mind because I am so bad-ass that she's satisfied just thinking about me!
I always wake up with a hangover on three hours of sleep. My wife is never there because she can't wait to get to work and tell all her co-workers how much she enjoys my performances. Life would be so much better if I never had to sleep. Then maybe I'd make breakfast for my kids once in awhile rather than vomiting all morning in between cigarettes.
