If there is one thing that I am certain of this time of year is that very few of us actually know what we want. Let alone know how to verbalize it.
My generation was influenced by this a lot I think. I blame Jerry McGuire. Well, I also blame Sherlock. What is it with society wanting all this truth? We can barely handle the truth as it is. We can't handle if someone looks at us wrong here in America, and yet we expect each other to just be all open and pleasant when something is causing emotional turmoil. Last time I checked, a large part of us don't value love or knowledge that much either. And yet, for some reason we expect the truth to be given to us and we are to be entrusted with all of the secrets of the universe?
I will totally agree that there needs to be a requirement for basic human rights. I am not saying that we all need to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and miraculously make it all happen overnight. The right to food and shelter and a bed is not the right to secrets that unlock mysteries. Truth, and it's not the popular opinion, I don't see how we can get mad at election fraud and everything else, pointing fingers and blathering on about how bad things are when most people aren't doing shit for themselves.
It reminds me of a story my mother used to tell... She once was in this all-girls school when she was much younger and this girl got caught leaving pads (dirty) in her underwear drawer. It turns out she was embarrassed to throw them away because then other girls would know she was bleeding and that is gross.
So basically, I was taught that being a woman was gross.
I have fought my whole life against this notion. Yet, holy books claim that we are not to be touched. We are dirty. The Puritans, with a love for starched linens and reading, they took quite a bit from that Bible, which was close enough to have those prudish tones throughout the pages, fueled by a fear of damnation that would wage war on a person for simply being human.
This trickles down.
Has anyone ever stopped to think that maybe we are just doing it wrong? Maybe we are pushing too hard, in the wrong direction? Then again, it also seems to be the nature of the human condition. People don't want things easy. They want them fun. They want to be entertained and rewarded. Yet, they can't describe what they want. Yep, super hard mode indeed.
I get it. I'm not rich myself. I have fallen on a few hard times and woes. For some reason, I am trying. I don't know. I am not mad. I just don't know the solution yet. I notice a correlation between the haves and the have-nots. I also notice a correlation between those that extend themselves beyond their comfort level for others, only to be crushed by the desire to help. Then people turn around and tell them they are codependent because they didn't think of themselves first. It's always humorous that it goes the other way as well. I wax and wane between the same things we are all torn between and it takes me days to write. That shouldn't be the case. The answers sit in front of me and so often I have chosen to live in a collective... then I have gotten the shit end of the stick. Yet, I sit here and I realize how I am doing things the hard way. Hell, I know I am. I am competitive and it will be my downfall.
"You always did have to do things the hard way!"
That was a little gem from my mom.
Well, no one has been that rude, but yes. Yes, I am.
Partially because Mabon just passed. Mainly because we are entering into a new time of the year and I am ready for these light tremors, as I am calling them, stop. It feels as though I have been walking the desert for days, without food and water. I'm sort of disoriented.
I haven't slept for days.
I'm tired. I'm emotions. Not emotional. Emotions. All of them. Cascading through my core.
RumDancer... that sounds uncomfortable! Maybe you should stop!
I got told this recently.
Gee, I have been at this for nearly 20 years, and that only matters because it is a fucking long time. For some reason when people hear you have been doing life coaching, priestessing, reading tarot, etc professionally for that long, they expect cool guru status.
This is not the face of guru status.
Nope.
No guru here.
But I am getting closer. I know this to be true because oddly enough, I was talking to some people about this after on discord. This one chick was just being rude. Oh, years ago I would have overreacted. She was stepping on my toes and there is this voice that just yells out no. I know this isn't my true will. I know the pang in my chest is nothing, it will go once I am distracted.
I tend to think of guru not as women. Men, that can express their emotions openly and live under the pressure and demands of teaching without shutting down, they call him a guru. A woman who has her emotions on lock, who teaches her knowledge, she is a professor, a CEO, a manager or just plain mom. I never said women can't be gurus, it's just not always our goal. Ultimately, in American culture women aren't that often considered that way.
I have my feelings about it. I tend to think that it is because we are nurturing. I also think being a guru is beyond that. It is more than being one with yourself, the world around or even in harmony with others. That is a rant for another day, where I can think it over and not deal with closed minded individuals who get under my skin and who ALSO cannot manage to read.
Thank goodness for that block button!
In any case, the reason went down this line of thinking was because I was considering my own vows and transparency for the rest of the year. I was thinking of teaching, my own spiritual leanings and what exactly I want to be doing. I am a firm believer that we do things when we want to be present in the experience.
This ultimately brings us back to thinking that we know what we want and full circle to who should be trusted with knowledge. I have to say that it doesn't matter to me in the bigger picture. There will always be knowlege for those that want to find it... whether they deserve it or not. It was almost drilled into my head that we should protect information, hold it close to the breast and not sure. Truth is, in some cases I agree. I do think that there should be a test of some kind.
Thankfully, that isn't my job.
It is with this thought that I step back towards the darkness. This seemed like a frightening step. I mean, after being in the light this long, daily rituals, both personal and solitary. Then there has been tarot and venturing to understand the history some more.
I grow appreciative of the dark time and I am working on embracing this whole process. It has been hard because I have never had to be more transparent and raw in my life. I haven't had to look this closely at myself either. I had someone else to do it. Who would I really trust now anyway though? There is only me.
Granted, I have students. I have people who will ask questions... but I think my plan is to focus on the self, focus on what I want and need. If I am going to continue to teach and to share knowledge then I have to be okay first.
So formal!
I do believe there is a reason and a need for some of the formality. It doesn't always make sense early on, but I see it now and I am thankful that I had it then. I don't know where I would be without that knowledge and those experiences now.
So, this is going well. I must say, I have made more progress so far in the last few days than I have in a while.
I have a couple recordings, a journal example and also one other meditation that I need to get posted. I haven't done it yet but I am almost there.
Thank you :)
