This is going to be a bad answer. I live in an extremely tiny 2 room apartment with my mother and my nephew. There are only 2 rooms. There is no dining room. There's no extra rooms.There's no room for a table or anything at all. A tiny bathroom. The kitchen is basically just a narrow space next to the living room. My nephew sleeps on the floor by the wall and door that goes out. there's no coffee table. no room for anything at all. 3 adults and some clothes do not even fit in here. There's no room for a bicycle or even a vacuum cleaner. It's my fault. if I had more money I could pay for a larger place but I don't. my nephew is severely traumatized from his childhood. His brother is dead from a fentanyl overdose. His other brother is in prison. Their father is a complete asshole who destroyed my sisters life and theirs. He never contributed any money to raising them. 35 years of living hell and drama. My brother moved to Hawaii and escaped it all. I didn't and now I'm overwhelmed and unable to get out. Well I should say that I've been drowning in it for a very long time.

I realize everyone's life is hard. That's all the more reason I hate this planet.

Now I'm just want prove that I was once a good painter. That I was good at surfing, that I had a reason to justify breathing and existing. I wanted people to see I was once young and semi good-looking and played guitar in bands. All my life before my sister and the father of her kids swallowed up everything.

So I must take responsibility and admit to being a loser. a victim. all unacceptable to life. I don't suppose that the mental and emotional problems I have matter. People call it autism spectrum stuff. I can't do EVERYTHING. I can do some things extremely well. making money has not been one of them. I'm terrible at writing and shouldn't do it. I would say I'm lonely but whats the use of being around people who just judge me and they don't want anything to do with my idiot family. I'm sorry. But if I really was sorry I would have stayed silent and never wrote anything. Nothing makes any sense to me at all