I worry that I am unable to love another person.
I had some thoughts about love and marriage growing up. Part of it was my church teaching old doctrines and part of it was weird the way my mind takes an idea and goes with it.
That's why I've been in three relationships. I have probably fallen in love with two people. one for sure. I've never been in a relationship where I loved the person I was with. One of these was a twelve-year marriage, and it was during that marriage that I learned how to be in love and that's when I experienced being in love. But not with my husband. I've never cheated. I cheated emotionally, even though I never confessed my feelings to anyone and nothing happened, but it's still a little bit of cheating. I feel guilty and ashamed that I got married when I shouldn't have. But I made the best decision at the time that I knew how to do. Life is sad sometimes.
So now I am divorced and single. I reached out to someone I knew in college who told me that he loved me a long time ago. He doesn't feel that way anymore, so my next course of action is unclear. I could try a dating site and risk harassment and unwanted images from strange men, or I could just be single, and wait for someone to come into my life . I could try and find that lovely guy who was at Walmart a few weeks ago. But other than I find her attractive, how do I know if we're compatible? Maybe he has a girlfriend? Maybe it's not for women? Although it should be what people go for. I don't envy them.
And the thing I don't know is, will I be able to have a healthy relationship? I have done a lot of introspection and reflection. I've figured out why I've made all my decisions regarding relationships and fixed my misconceptions about love and marriage. But have I identified all my issues? Am I capable of selfless love? Am I Capable of True Vulnerability? And even if I were, would anyone ever want me, or am I broken too?
I have a chronic autoimmune disease that makes me more tired than the average person. I sound lazy, and maybe I am. I know I'm afraid to overdo it and suffer the consequences, so I often err on the side of doing less. People don't find that sort of thing attractive. And I'm about 75 pounds overweight, I guess, although I'm losing weight and it's so exciting. Society tells me that men only want skinny, healthy girls. What do I have to give to someone? I do not know. I have a fun, quirky, creative personality. I love animals and my family. is that enough?
I love my animals completely and unconditionally. Maybe I can just love animals. (No, it's not.)
I don't tell anyone about these thoughts, because I don't want lies and reassurances. I want a genuine discussion of my deepest fears. But I know no one can do that. They are all related to me. They are a bit biased. Also, I have always been extremely uncomfortable discussing matters of relationships and love with my family. He gave me no reason to distrust him, and yet I do. Does this mean I can't trust anyone?
What if I am unable to love another person? Will I be single for the rest of my life? am i ok with this? These are things that I should have understood at the age of 25 and not at 35. I've always been a little behind in this stuff.
Anyway, I don't say the same thing to anyone.
