“You broke our vows?” I guess it was a stupid thing to ask but it was the only thing my fractured mind could think of. I should scream, throw something in his face…This was definitely my moment to do something empowering. But I swear, something kept me rooted in that sofa.
“Faith, I… it was a…”
“Don’t you dare say that.” Good, I managed to work up some anger that I did not really feel.
“What do you want me to say…”
“I-I don’t know? I wish you said nothing at all.”
“I am sorry.”
“No. You are not.”
Silence
“If I was able to give you that child, would you have stayed?” I asked suddenly. It was an afterthought, really. I did not think I would even ask. But I just wanted to know. I needed to know…
“It is not about that.” His voice cracked. His voice always cracked when he was lying. He looked at me then. He did not look at me once during his confession, but his eyes searched for mine then.
We were both thinking the same thing.
I should have stopped the tears but they had a mind of their own. When one tear landed on my cheek, the whole avalanche followed.
“You liar.” It was quiet, almost as though I was talking to myself. “You damn liar!” I screamed at him. I screamed at myself.
“You told me it was not my fault.I could have at least apologised if you had just admitted it. But you wouldn’t even…let me… talk.about.it.” I couldn’t breath. I needed to breath.
“No…” He was about to say more but then he stood. Was he coming at me?
“No!” I was terrified. I feared that if he came any closer I-what was left of me since our baby died- would break into a thousand million pieces.
He was rooted in place. Then he started at me again. I quickly stood to my feet, rushing for the safety of one corner in the hall. “No!” I screamed again, but he joined me there and he held me. Her scent immediately assaulted my nose.
The night before, when he did not come home, he was with her, holding her like he held me, loving her instead of loving me…
“Aargh!” A raw and broken yell escaped from my belly. I collapsed to the ground and he came with me. Then I felt him tremble with me. His breath became one audible sigh after another.
We wept like babies.
I suddenly tore out of his arms and run into the cold winter dawn. I almost turned back when the cold winter bite went straight to my heart. But I could not return to the colder house I used to call home.
I ran, a broken woman from a broken home.
I got to the bridge and stopped. This month alone the local newspapers had reported five suicides at the same spot. I now understood why. The river had brought nothing but despair. Ever since that factory moved uphill and poisoned the river the town had gone downhill.
In this once great fishing town, jobs had been lost, lives had been lost and families had been broken. And although the factory was shut down five years ago, the reverberating effect of its canker was still being felt. The countless number of suicides, divorces, cancers...
I am just as soon going to join the statistics.
I hoped that it would be quick and painless. But from the little I knew about drowning, it sure was the worse way to go. I drew near the bridge, trembling not from the cold but from an inner chill that had taken over my heart and mind.
“Nice weather isn’t it!” A male voice said. I jumped. I turned to face the voice. A small town like mine had no strangers in it but it was dawn and still dark. A big and beardy guy stared back at me. I drew back.
"Faith?" The scary silhouette said.
I recognized the voice immediately. It was Grant. He was always one of the last people to leave the diner where I worked.
“Grant, you startled me.”
He smiled or at least his eyes did. It was hard to tell in the dark, with all the hair he had on his face.
“Sorry ma’am,” He said, somewhat self-consciously, “looking to take a dip?”
“Yes, but I can’t swim.” I said ominously. I did not know why I said that, maybe it was a cry for help.
“Oo.” He said simply as his blue eyes registered the meaning of my words.
“I hope one more isn’t too much of a crowd for ya!” He came closer.
Maybe he did not understand me after all.
Wait, what?
“What did you say?” He asked. The last bit of my thoughts must have escaped. And why won’t it? I looked at Grant and slowly began to comprehend the demons that must have driven him to the bridge.
Before the factory, he owned a fishing boat that caught enough fishes to feed the entire town and the next. He also had a son and a lovely wife.
Then the factory took the fishes and his son- leukemia, the doctors had called it. Then his wife, unable to handle the bleak despair of her empty nest, died of a broken heart.
“Are you cold?” He asked as he threw his coat over my shoulders. I was grateful for its warmth. The kind gesture also thawed my heart a bit and with that thaw came a whole flood of pain washing over me. I buried my face in my cold palms and wept. Bitter tears stained my face.
“There, there… It’s just a coat.” He coaxed my hair then held me in and awkard half-sided hug. I could not hold back my scoff at his misconceived comment.
“I am not crying because of the coat, Grant.”
“I know.” He said quietly.
I looked up at him. Knowing blue eyes stared back in return.
“Whatever it is, you should stay with us a while, Faith.” He said in earnest.
“I thought you came to take a dip with me.”
“I can swim.”
“So why are you here, then?”
“Same reason as you… but I wasn’t here to end it all. I wanted to punish myself I guess.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Grant.”
“Neither was it yours.”
Silence.
“Now, let’s take you home before you freeze to death.”
A smile spread on both our faces as we walked away from the bridge, “Not a good way to go!” I said.
His smile widened as he said, “Thank God I brought a coat!”
“It wasn’t your coat!”
“It sure was, ma’am” We both burst out laughing. It was not hearty. It was almost...rusty. But it was definitely our first good laugh in a long time.
DEDICATED TO YOU. Just hold on a little longer.
