On "Playing Small..."

We've all heard the saying. Often with 'negative' connotations.

But what exactly is the scale of measurement?

What belief system(s) does this notion of "smallness" come from? And what all are the foundational premises for the reasons for their seemingly inherent assumption that "bigger = better"...?

It's a slippery slope with this one.

On one hand, most of us have good idea of what is meant when the "playing small" term is used. Whether we've been exposed through new-agey "spiritual" type rhetoric where it's been used, the entrepreneurial hustle-culture, self-help & personal development stuff, its notions - as commonly intended - surely don't need explaining here. On the other... for as much merit there is at times to the type of "motivational" undertones usually accompanying its use, at what point does it become a measuring stick reinforcing ego's unquenchable addiction to proving itself through grandeur?

Who is the ultimate judge of what "small" is?

Is it simply a binary "small versus big" - black or white, on or off, one or the other?

Or is it always relative - "small" always requiring "bigger" for comparison, and thus there always being something "bigger" -> a frame validating the "constant and never-ending improvement" type of philosophies where one never "arrives" but it kept perpetually striving for 'bigger & better,' chasing a fantasy on the horizon - *if not deluding oneself with egoistic grandiosity to believe they're already 'bigger & better' based on some arbitrary hierarchical criteria?

"Small" requires contrast.

But can the scale - when we're talking about "playing small" as it often is - ever actually be objective? Or is it always fated to be subjective - and thus established with biases & beliefs that distort truth into fluctuating facts that serve themselves rather than objective truth...?

I can already hear the counterarguments to these perspectives in the psychic field, some whose subscription to cultural belief systems potentially speaking out in attempts to enlighten me on what "they mean" when speaking of "playing small." But oh boy, have I ever been there & done that.

I bought in deep to these types of egregores. On all sides of "spiritual," "self-help," and hustle culture. I lived the philosophies... to an extreme. (My Human Design personality Mercury & Mars in gate 15 of EXTREMES doesn't play. Ha.)

But my own experience was merely a fractal expression of archetypal journeys found equally as present in many of those cultures and countless individuals plugged into them. And one need not look too far into any social media feed to see them.

A thousand Instagram followers...? Small, when the next guy has 10,000. But only 10,000...? Small, compared to 100,000... which is still small compared to a million. And what's a million followers without a Louis Vuitton and Lambo? But even then, are homeboy & homegirl still not "playing small" if they're not doing endorsement deals with xyz latest company and hanging out with the who's-who or whatever hottest scene...?

Back in the day, a million bucks was the dream. These days, a million will barely buy a fucking mediocre house in alot of places. Put that investment to work earning passive income, and it still won't be anywhere enough to really live ballin.' (At least not in any "first-world" country.) "Dream bigger, bro. Still playing small."

At what hourly rate, yearly salary, or cost of courses & seminars is one's status stamped "big" - when there's always another level? As impressive as one's home may be to some, at what point is one done "playing small," when there's always another nicer one double the price? What's the quantifiable threshold where one more social media follower tips the number confirming transition from "small" to "big?" How many of the "biggest" podcasts must one appear on before it's 100% established they're no longer small?

Is it the measurable social clout - whether "status," approval from real-life "peers" or online "followers? The dollar amount & toys? The fugazi of choosing whatever "dream" ego feels will satisfy it, finding one's "bigness" in identifying with it (whether in pursuit or achievement)?

And when one feels lost as fuck and a failure after their first million or $30 million business sale, will the next satisfy...? Are motherfuckers still "playing small" if not expanding their self-definition to "serial-entrepreneur"and doing it again... and again... and again...? Is it on the 4th, 8th, 12th IPO that one has finally proven they're "playing big? Or still "playing small" until a billionaire... until on the Forbes top 10 billionaires in the world list... until number one...?

Or for an example on the female side... the notorious Bonnie Blue became an international sensation after fucking 100 guys in a day... which musta still felt like "playing small" for her, as she decided to up it to 1000. Is she "playing big enough" yet...?

Perhaps one of, if not the most famous quote(s) on "playing small:"

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

No doubt, Williamson's angle was different than the clickbaity hustle culture bro rhetoric. Of course, context always fucking matters.

Yet - even if her meaning seems apparent here, the human experience can still be hella tricky at times, with mind & ego lurking around every corner, ready to pounce, twist and distort things. It's a very fine line between embracing what Williamson means and either engaging self-doubts & questioning to what degree we still may be "playing small" when such a prolifically-articulated ideal is presented as the standard, or running with it to inflate one's self-importance. For every timid person "shrinking from their potential," there's a Ph.D justifying their nose in the air based on the letters behind their name, entitled narcissistic influencer acting like they're God's gift to humanity, or "spiritual" person whose aura radiates "I'm so much more enlightened than everyone else because I have transcended my ego" like a flashing neon billboard. And both of those extremes exists in each of us - whether their potentials activated & expressed or not.

And to clarify: I don't write this all, as though to point fingers and suggest I've "above" it in any way. On the contrary, I confess from it. It's recognizable because I've been through it all... and still stumble & swerve deep into those extremes as attempting to walk that fine line.

As critical as some of my writings like this may come across at times, I still struggle to find balance as deconditioning/deprogramming a ton of stuff from new-age, personal development and hustle culture communities that fuelled egoistic grandiosity for quite a while. And it's been taking time to 'work through' the shame & guilt I've had for swinging so far into ego... and the compounding shame & guilt I've felt over having potentially "played small" as swinging to the opposite extreme of self-doubt and such.

I question regularly whether I am "playing small" - and fairly so, because in contrast to the larger-than-life grandiose "dreams" I once had, absolutely. But, I've also grown (at least a little bit) wiser since then - seeing that such grandiose aspirations are misaligned with who I actually am now. That I'd gone too fucking far setting "big" goals that were more about trying to prove and compensate for insecurities, as though it would be "playing small" if I didn't embody the "go big or go home" philosophies my ego compulsively sought unsustainable highs in/from.

Truthfully, I don't know what the middle ground is for me.

My old yardsticks with which "small/big" were measured have been in dissolution. And the ones commonly used by others, culture & society - I'm aware of their impeccable capacity for misleading distortion and betrayal to the truths of my soul.

Am I "shining - brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Ha. But what that'd even look like at this point... clueless. Maybe part of me has been holding back out of fear. But, my values have also changed drastically over the last decade, and all the ideas I had of what such "shining" would be... well, I honestly don't want a spotlight at this point. Twenty years later, I'm finally understanding the merit to what my DJ agent/mentor friend spoke of when emphasizing 'flying under the radar... and am preferring that strategy at this point. But I'm also aware such an approach could be rationalizing a comfort zone in mediocrity - and betrayal to the parts of myself that still do want more, bigger & better, no matter how effective I self-gaslight to 'settle for less.'

There's so many damn slippery slopes in this human experience. And none of can rarely walk a step or two without encountering the yin & yang yet again.

Maybe this topic of "playing small/big" is one whose meanings, implications, etc. are blatantly obvious to some others, and it's yet another mindtrap I've got myself stuck in as feeling way too deeply into linguistic & existential nuances. Maybe my spinning out over it is a byproduct of "midlife crisis" and/or self-identity collapsing under evolutionary pressures (or those of unhealthily extreme hermitude.) Or maybe, while all the self-doubt is "natural," there is 100% merit to what I'm trying to communicate as clearly assessing certain patterns common in both many subcultures and the individuals conditioned/programmed by them.

Maybe I've seen a bit more of it than some others thanks to whatever social media echo chambers I bounce around in. Maybe I'm still clearing it out of my system, having dove to deep with it previously - and attempting to find balance as integrating different values & perspectives.

Such as that of minimalism.

By all logical accounts, the minimalism trend may seem at odds with the attitudes of influencer & hustle cultures whose dominant value systems still drive many to seek 'bigger, better, more impact.' Yet those who find themselves embracing minimalist lifestyles seem to discover a paradox in such a life architecture: *less = more.

For all the self-help charlatans, life coaches, and entrepreneurial evangelists preaching motivation and playing to the "bigger = better" mindset, few are upfront about the costs. The bigger stresses, insecurities, exposures, risks, headaches, problems, expenses, enemies & oppositions, complexities & complications.

In our youthfulness, the glitz of fame and all sorts of extravagent toys can seem pretty alluring, the prospect of international recognition appealing to ego that's always hungry for more. Yet with maturity and wisdom, it becomes increasingly apparent not is all as it seems. And that in spite of such larger-than-life dreams & ambitions appearing to be desirable, it may often actually be simplicity that nourishes the soul far more than all that worldly stuff ever could.

For some, it may be the day-to-day of family life. Nowhere near as sexy as the highlight reels on Tik Tok, but deeply rewarding to simply spend quality time with love ones. For others, it may not be the accolades of popularity for ones creation, but the simple act of creation itself. For others, not the collection of status symbols and maintenance of images to uphold, but the calm & quiet tending to an inner world & smaller circles in which satisfaction is cultivated.

Yet, it can be ceaselessly tempting to deem any of that "small," if/when under the influence of belief systems in any way diminishing "the small" and idolizing "bigger."

Though who the fuck is to judge...?

The trickiest part, however: all too often, we do.

Yeah, there are surely parents who may judge their kids because they didn't become doctors or lawyers, and there are always unchecked egos judging the "smallness" of others to inflate their own self-importance. But ultimately, the judgement that makes a difference is that coming from ourselves, of ourselves. And it ain't always kind.

Sometimes the self-judgements of our 'smallness' may come consequential of measurement against societal & cultural standards, unfairly comparing to external examples of 'bigness' that don't even actually align with who we are.

Though perhaps sometimes, they come fairly - as guidance that we truly are "playing small" in comparison to potentials waiting to be realized. And maybe not in regards to all the worldly stuff, but simply in the embodiment of our light, radiance, talent, etc. in the smaller stuff.

Maybe the mind & ego try latch onto these ideas of "small/big," amplifying & distorting them into these huge things... but it's actually in the small subtleties & finely-detailed nuances where they matter.

Maybe the difference between "playing small" and not isn't that between obscurity & fame, but procrastinating on or starting that project we've had in mind, no matter its size or fated impact. Maybe it's that barely-perceptible "shrinking" versus standing just a little bit taller as walking out the door to do whatever you gotta do anyways. Maybe it has nothing to do at all with what's visible from the outside, but is key difference on the inside between self-doubt and a brave surrender to proceeding on the course one feels deep down that is correct, irregardless of whether the confidence has been deservingly earned yet or how it may appear to others.

Then again, with 8 billion people on this planet, perhaps there is no one-size-fits-all truth here - and it's up to each of us to discover for ourselves what "playing small" is & isn't... possibly multiple times, in multiple ways, throughout our lives. No hustle culture motivational gurus, spiritual charlatans, or Hive bloggers to define any of it for us.

Or some shit. What the fuck do I know. 🤷‍♂️

🙏✨