I had lost hope. Everything I had ever attempted had been a complete an utter failure for me. My mind was against me, my body was against me and I really wanted everything to just end already.
Food didn't taste good, my creativity had taken a huge hit and I just never went out to see friends anymore. Apart from work, I had completely isolated myself. I felt lonely, but I wanted to feel lonely. I truly believed that I didn't deserve to be happy.
I went so deep in this swirl of depressed dark thoughts that it became absurd.
Dying suddenly seemed hilarious to me. My intrusive thoughts were met with laughter , and I had started joking about my depression and imminent death on the daily. Fortunately, I'm part of a generation renowned for joking about horrible things. People still treated me normally, and joked back with me.
Having this complicity with certain people helped me accept my melancholic behavior.
Maybe being sad and depressed wasn't something shameful.
I still suffer from depression. Talking about it has revolutionized the way I react to it though. I don't isolate myself as much as I used to. And today I have an amazing support system.
