It's a little rough being home. It's like having arrived at a destination and being dragged back over sandpaper. I loved being in Europe. I loved the endless roads, the sense of freedom. Now I'm home I'm a little off kilter. Grazed.

It's a little because it's hard living with your parents. Hell, it can be hard living with anyone under these circumstances. Dad's been really struggling with his pain levels and a few days ago he shouted at me - the details don't matter, save to say had he not been so sick, I probably wouldn't have spoken to him for a few months or at least til he apologized. All I could do was leave the room gulping back tears, and compose myself in the caravan until I was ready to be an adult about it, which wasn't really til the next day.

Poor Mum tried to fix it by explaining he was in pain, which I said to her I knew that it and it was all okay and not to worry, but I was going to clear out and get some ocean time so I could resume not being a child, plus I wasn't talking about it with her at 6 in the morning because who does that? I did find a mate down the beach I offloaded too and received a big hug from, so by lunchtime I was ready to come home and be all light and cool and breezy and ready to sweep the hurt under my parents Persian rugs. I also bought Dad a bottle of sarsaparilla cordial, his favourite. Life's too short to remain upset by stupid comments made by people who are struggling with pain.

Anyway. Today's walk was round Torquay point - I'm usually on the cliff walk above but it was very low tide and absolutely no surf at all so I clambered round the rock pools with my boots and wished I had a good camera to take cool photos. I've been spending quite a few hours on Dad's couch getting tips on cameras. He wants me to buy a Sony but I can't afford it. It makes sense as he has a heap of Sony lens I will quite likely inherit or at least be able to use. But I think my old Sony a6300 will be okay, I just need to remind myself how to do it. When you don't practice you kinda forget. Although my composition is okay I do struggle with the other settings.

I was feeling a little homesick and heartsick for the old days, walking along this beach. I learnt to surf here. Back then I reckon there was only 20 dogs in the whole town. I probably knew them all by name and they used to run wild. Someone would always be dropping off someone else's dog home. Now everyone has a frigging dog. There's more dogs than people. They are all over the beach.

As I walked I mainly looked out to see and try not to let those things bug me. It was a beautiful morning, cold and drizzly, and I took my boots off to walk barefoot at the waters edge which started doing its job of grounding me.

I've been trying to walk a lot, do yoga, and surf, to build my fitness back up. Yesterday was the only time I've been able to get waves and I felt clumsy and inflexible and just kept falling off or hitting myself with the board. Frustrating. I get a bit maudlin thinking I probably only have ten good years left of being active in this way.

When I got right to the far end of the beach - a place called Bird Rock, which is also a surf spot and we used to jump off it when we were kids into the rock pool below - I was stoked to run into a really good friend of mine I never get to see. He's an ex neighbour and lover from when I was - what, seventeen odd?

I've known him for a long time and we always hold a big love for each other. It was super cool getting a big hug and some love from him just when I really needed it.

I guess this is just where I'm at now - coping with some Big Stuff.

Now where did I put my adult hat? I'm going to need it. Note to self - tantrums on the beach when no one is looking, and the rest of the time I'm just going to be brave.

With Love,

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