Ah, Mondays - a nice time to catch up on Hive after a busy weekend and see what crazy topics 
The Event
First of all, if there is any rumour of it being a fancy dress, I'm going in anything but fancy dress. I admire people who like dressing up, but I always get it wrong and end up in such a terrible state of anxiety I don't even want to go anymore.
I'm not a fashionista at all and struggle with any kind of social event. Sequins and high heels are absolutely not me. These days, I'm much better at proudly being myself, and if that means underdressed with a pair of casual black boots, black jeans, a floral top and a jacket, well, I don't really care. That's probably my overdressed.
Probably as dressed up as I get.
I mean, you're talking about a woman who kicked off her kitten heels as soon as she did the church thing at her wedding. They got stuck in the grate on the way out so I just kicked them off and walked barefoot to the car.
And damn, I'm really looking forward to my new black leather Converse arriving in the post this week. The EOFY sales can be great for picking up a bargain. I've been wearing Chucks since I was a teenager and just love them. I'll be wearing them to work as they can pass for presentable whilst still getting away with wearning trainers. In fact, I'll probably wear them to every social event for the next ten years.
The Annoying You
My husband will say I'm often annoying, but then so is he. A marriage gets like that sometimes.
The last time I was annoying was last weekend around the campfire. I could have kept my mouth shut whilst two of our friends talked about how much they hated people who insisted on being called by personal pronouns that they didn't agree with. I could have shut up when Bruce said how American capitalism was the only answer to totalatarianism. But I didn't.
Here isn't the forum to explain what I did say, but I find it hard to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace when I don't agree with what is being said. I'd rather have a robust, academic, intelligent, informed and challenging conversation than nod my head.
We didn't really get anywhere. It's really hard to change people's minds, especially when people are really unwilling to listen. We did get to a place where we all agreed it was better to have these face to face conversations about polarising topics than troll the other political wing on Facebook.
We also agreed that no matter what your views are (within reason) that it's never personal and shouldn't be. I really liked the company of these two men and found them kind, funny, intelligent and quirky. I'd camp with them again no problem. We have far more in common than our political viewpoints. I think this is really, really important to understand when we are engaging with people whose political views we don't agree with online.
Children
In 1996 I accidentally feel pregant to a guy I'd met whilst travelling around Australia. We sat on the grass at Airlie Beach and talked about options. I think my maternal clock was ticking - I was 25 - and this child felt like it was meant to be. I remember being so sick in the first two months and swimming up and down the pool in Queensland as it was the only thing that made me feel better. We were both picking capsicums and tomatoes at the time, though I got a job in a sorting factory as the rate of miscarriage was really high due to the chemicals sprayed on the crops. I remember rubbing my belly and reciting a silent mantra: 'Please stay, please stay, please stay'.
Jarrah's only about a week old here.
We bought a car and drove south to my home in Victoria. By the time we got half way home I realised he wasn't a man I wanted to be with, though the growing life in my belly seemed the most important thing in the world.
Some seven years later my new husband and I were talking about having a child. I was in quite a state as even part of me wanted his baby too, I just didn't want to. It felt selfish. I was 33 and this relationship was just beginning. I didn't want to have to have a baby again and go throuh all that sacrifice. I had a lot of freedom with just one - travelling and so on, and he was an easy kid. What if the second one was a nightmare? It felt like we had all these adventures ahead of us that a second child would bring to a halt.
Jamie said the sweetest thing that made me decide at once. 'Our baby is our love', he said. It was kitschy and laughable but it made sense. We had other things to bring into the world.
Do I regret it? I do, sometimes. It would have been lovely to have more than one child, and plenty of grandchildren. But that's not the path my life would take. The logical part of me insists that any urges to procreate are biological imperatives, and emotional attachment to having children is weakly submitting to that drive. Why should I have had more children? To guarantee a line I would never see because I'd be wormfood? I do feel sad there's no little Jamies in the world, and I think he does sometimes too, but it doesn't bear thinking about.
And look. We have little Ned to love.
Little Ned Hans at the RRR community football cup, Melbourne, yesterday.
Kids are awesome, but they aren't the whole world. Jamie and I are still going on adventures and we don't feel unfulfilled because we didn't have a child together or that we won't be around to see Ned as a two year old. Sure, there's always a tug. But I think I can be a mother to eight kids in another life.
I'm too busy in this one.
With Love,
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