It had been a long time coming. I had always dreamt of living somewhere secluded with no other person in ear- and eye-shot. Surrounded by nature, undisturbed by meddling man. Somewhere I could think and reflect without thoughts being disrupted by car-horns or house parties.
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As an introvert I love late-nights and early mornings. When everyone else is asleep, I feel most alive. My dreams and ambitions seem more realistic. The solitude of the night creates its own reality where within I am creator. Even dawn contains some of this ethereal power (if I am awake, that is). After an extremely busy day I look forward to crawling into bed, not to sleep, but to have a few minutes of quiet time to think, reflect, plan and dream.
Movies like "Into the wild" encouraged passion to withstand traditional rationale. Listening to the movies' OST, composed by Eddie Vedder, persuaded further retaliation towards the established system. Even though I understood that the world was mostly fixed, I protected and nurtured the notion that I could "fix" my situation. If not now, then later. Somehow.
Shortly after my parents divorced I started cultivating the idea of 'running away'. The circumstances were horrible and I wanted to disappear. I knew it wasn't really possible, but I clung to the idea and stored it in the vaults of my sub-conscious. Tampering with these 'forbidden thoughts' was a release in itself. My mind became an escape to the absurd reality I had found myself within. It was only later in life, however, that the idea would re-emerge. Revitalized and regenerated by the mediocre meddling of every day existence, this spurred me towards action.
A history of substance abuse, living outside my true potential, blaming the world and everyone else for my circumstances and mistakes led to some interesting events. In my early- to mid-twenties I wound up in rehab. Prior to this I was tethered by my past to an horrific perception of self. Dark bouts of drug-induced depression found me on my knees begging for release. At the time I did not realise that I had hit rock-bottom.
Thank God I did.
My stay in rehab was a period of self-discovery. I liken it to a person entering a dark house, illuminating their way with candle-flame. The house needs to be sorted: belongings need to be moved, thrown-away or stored in more appropriate places. Removing, dusting and replacing the framed family photo, is akin to forgiving your father for all the bad words he ever spoke over you. As the photo once again hangs between other reminders of happier times, you realize he's smiling, his right arm wrapped around your little torso in loving embrace.
I love you buddy
Eventually the interior of the house is fixed and light returns. We move to the outside and fix up the rest. I realize I am intelligent, articulate, funny and charming. I accept my role in the fuck-ups of the past, learn from them and move on. I make an irrevocable decision to take responsibility over myself and my actions. I forgive those who have harmed me, acknowledging my part in the play, and seek to make amends to those I have harmed.
“I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of roses under my cypresses.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra
Seasons come and go but the house stands firm. Where I see wear due to weather or age, I fix. At times laziness and apathy crawls through the hedges in an almost coordinated attack. These are eventually warded off. I remain merely human, merely man.
In 2016 my girlfriend and I decided to move to a quieter town as soon as opportunity allowed. One of the many positives of teaching is that I can work anywhere. All towns have schools, and all children need to be taught. After long deliberation we decided on the Western Coast of South Africa: Langebaan.
Fishing boat docked at Kraailbaai
Wally enjoying the views
Mienke, my girlfriend, attempting to pet a Seal
View over "Kraalbaai" in the West Coast National Park.
We left many things behind. I had a well-paying teaching position at a respected school. Friends, family, money and security. We also left the noise, commotion, traffic and crime. As with many things in life, you only really realize how stressed and anxious you are after the relevant events/circumstances have passed. I embrace a new sense of freedom.
Was it worth it? Was it worth leaving a job paying almost double of what I'm earning now? Leaving family and friends and the familiarity of comfort? Hell yes.
The fact that so many people continue in their everyday existence, too scared to change their circumstances, empower me and my confidence in our decision. We are happy. I now have quiet, only sometimes intruded on by an owl or the roaring coastal wind. My dreams and ambitions which were once confided to the solitude of my thoughts, find place to exist outside my inner-world. We dream of family, owning property, laughing, crying, living and to start off, we added +1 to our inner circle.
