He gazed at her serene sleeping form. Even though the medical treatments had taken a toll on her body, her beauty did not cease to enchant him. He smiled sadly as he heard her utter his name.
"Shiro...", she said weakly while slowly opening her eyes. She looks too tired as she tries to lift her hands to reach out for him.
He immediately closed the distance between them. He attempted to smile at her, but his lips quivered in a failed attempt. He bit his lips to prevent the welling tears from threatening to fall down.
She gazed at him sadly. He knows that whenever he goes out, she cries alone. He knew that she didn't want him to see she's suffering, but he couldn't help himself because whenever he sees her like this, he loses his self-control.
He hates it that she sees him that way.
"Shiro, I don't think I can make it 'til your birthday," she said meekly.
He looked up and closed his eyes. This is one of the things that he dreaded. He sighed and returned his gaze to her—but this time he held her hand carefully.
"Don't say that, Rika...You–you are strong, right? I never even beat you in arm wrestling," he asked jokingly while squeezing gently her hands.
She chuckled a little when she reminisced about the old times.
"But now you'll beat me."
"No, I can't, Rika."
"Of 'course you can, silly..."
"Ok, if I beat you, promise me that you'll never leave; promise me that you'll never let that disease beat you," he said as tears started to fall down his face.
Silence reigned for awhile. Rika didn't answer because perhaps she didn't want to lie. She stared at the opened windows and saw the heavy clouds. She felt a gentle squeeze in her hand, and with that, she returned her gaze to him.
He is smiling—his smile now is like the first day they met.
She wishes that this moment would last forever.
But she knew it wouldn't, and sadly, it didn't last long.
Shiro passively stared at his bedroom's ceiling. It's already 9:00 in the morning, but he still hadn't found any strength to move out of bed. Her last moments keep replaying in his mind, and it's driving him crazy. He wanted to move on badly, but he didn't know where to start.
That day was still so vivid in his mind. If only he knew that it would be her last day, then he wouldn't have gone home the night before that. He would have stayed with her until her last breath, but unfortunately, he wasn't able to do so. The moment he arrived at the hospital, it was all over.
"Rika Tsukumo. Time of death, 9:11 a.m.,"
He stood transfixed. He couldn't believe what he heard. Her—what?
The moment he snapped out, he harshly opened the door.
The doctor immediately muttered an apology, but it fell to deaf ears as everything became muted the moment he saw her face.
She looked so relaxed. Her calm face amplified her beauty more.
"She's not dead...she—she's just sleeping," he muttered angrily as he strided his way towards her.
He held her hands and noticed that it was colder than usual. She was also more pallid.
'She's just cold,' he thought—still refusing to accept the idea that she's dead.
The doctor wanted to talk, but the nurse signaled for him to leave Shiro alone. Glancing at him for the last time, they left the room.
He was left alone with her again, and there he started to unwittingly talk.
'Maybe Rika will hear this, and she'll wake up,' he thought before starting his narrative. He told him about anything he encountered that morning, from the strange crow to the kind old woman that he met that day. His talk lasted for almost ten minutes, but he still got no response from Rika. He reached out for her wrist to feel her pulse, but unfortunately, he didn't feel it. He rested his head on her chest, but he didn't feel a single heartbeat.
Then a harsh truth dawned on him.
She's dead.
It seeped like poison, and he wished it was really one.
"Rika...why?"
Night came easily. The funeral was done, and he didn't attend it. He somehow regretted that he didn't, but he thought it's probably best not to. He knew that he couldn't bear to see her go, so he decided not to attend for her sake.
The house became silent as he came back from the school. Despite his apparent unwillingness to go to school, he still forces himself to. He needs to distract himself from her, and drowning himself in studies seems like the best possible way to do so. After eating dinner and clearing his plate, he silently retreated back to his room. The moment his back fell on his bed, he started to feel sleepy, and as soon as he closed his eyes, he saw her face. With that, he gradually stumbled into deep sleep.
"Senpai *, what type of girls do you like?", Rika asked while tugging on his school uniform.
He stopped, completely perplexed by what was happening.
"Rika was dead—so why?"
He turned around to see Rika—no... It's a younger version of her. He looked around to see that they were in school yards. He looked at Rika with apparent longing, and without hesitation, he hugged her.
She stiffened the moment he hugged him. Her face burned as he rested his face on her shoulder.
He remembered this one. It's the day he first rejected Rika because he thought that she was too young for him. Apparently he regretted it later because if only he hadn't hesitated way back then, he'd have had more time with her.
"You, Rika—only you," he mumbled on her shoulders. He heard a soft laugh and saw that it was Rika laughing.
"No—you're supposed to say: Anyone that's not you Rika," she said, clicking his tongue.
Then Rika walked towards the nearby bench, and there she sat down.
"How are you now, Shiro?", she asked while looking up at him.
He sat down next to her and replied, "I guess I'm fine now."
"Really?", she asked again.
He turned to her, and suddenly a tear fell from his face. She frowned when she heard him crying.
"Don't cry for me, Shiro," she said while wiping his tears. He held her hands near his face and kissed her palm gently.
"I hate you...", he mumbled on her palm.
She chuckled.
"I never thought I got to see the crybaby Shiro again...", she said while reaching out his face with her free hand.
"I hate—I hate it that you left me. Why can't you just stay with me until we're old? Why... Why does it have to be you?", he said while squeezing tightly her hands.
She gazed at Shiro sadly. The light from the setting sun illuminated her face, deepening the sadness he felt.
"I don't know Shiro," she said, her voice cracking up in sadness. Tears started to fall from her face. "I wished that I knew Shiro—I wished I could have lived longer with you. Sorry... Sorry...I wasn't able to endure it further. Sorry because I'm too weak," she said while sobbing profusely.
He hugged her tightly, for he knew that this would be the last. For a while, no words were spoken. He just savored what it felt like to hold her. Her sobs gradually began to subside, and with that, she looked up to him.
"You lied senpai *," she said quietly.
"I know," he said as he buried his face in her hair. "I should have loved you earlier... If only I had, then I wouldn't end up being a mess."
"Did you regret loving me?"
"No, oh god, no ... I only regret not loving you earlier. God, I wish you would come back to me, Rika."
She smiled genuinely at him.
"Am I a fool for wishing that, Rika? Is it foolish to wish that I wouldn't wake up from this dream?"
Rika held his cheeks and said, "No, Shiro, no—but you have to go back. You need to live your life and be with the people who care for you."
"But what if I say I don't want to?"
"Silly, then you're not Shiro... the Shiro I loved would not back down to anything that he needed to face."
"But Rika...", he muttered sadly as he let his head rest on her shoulder.
He felt Rika's hand patting his shoulder. Suddenly, a wave of drowsiness began to envelope him. He didn't want to close his eyes, but the strong urge to do so was overpowering him. He looked up again and saw Rika smiling at him.
Before he closed his eyes, he heard her saying something. He smiled as darkness engulfed him.
"Live Shiro... live for me."
NOTE:
senpai *: Japanese ; an upperclassman who mentors an underclassman; informal use of 'senpai' can refer to anyone whose attention you want to get—that could be someone you admire and want to be friends with or someone you're interested in romantically [Source].
