Well... One thing that I don't hide is my mental health. I find it helpful to talk about it and really hope that if by me doing so, helps another person to do the same then some good has come out of it..
For many years I've had struggles with self doubt and mild depression. Losing my mother when I was 19 I guess didn't help, but the death of my gran a few years later really hit me.... The grief was a lot more than I had when my Mum died... strange I guess.
I struggled to get over losing my gran... binge drinking to extremes at the weekend. Hiding my own emotions and secretly breaking down..
Fastforward to 2015, I was in a job I hated, working far far too many hours in a pressured environment... Spending too long in a car and on my own for my own good.. Loneliness hit me.. Then suddenly and unexpectedly I found my father dead... Although me and my dad didn't have the greatest of relationships, it absolutely killed me...
Since then its been a constant battle against grief, depression, anxiety and loneliness - despite being married and having kids..
We all put that 'mask' on, we seem alright to everybody else, but in reality I've been in my own little cocoon.. Not really giving much of a fuck about those close to me. Stopped taking all my medications for health and also depression - spiralling even further.
Like an idiot I took on another job that I fucking hated, and didn't want in the first place... Only doing it for the financial 'reward', there was no enjoyment there... This was only filling me with anger, rage and even more stress, which unfortunately found its way home with me.
So, 8 weeks ago, it happened.. My wife left me.. In some sense I really don't blame her... I would have left myself as well!
But, I've got to use this as the kick up the arse I need to move forward..
And although we're not perfect yet, (will we ever be?) I'm a lot better than what I was... I've had some counselling - this has really helped me to get my head around some stuff, tie some stuff together and realise links between triggers - emotions and reactions.
I'm back taking all my meds, and I've lost a fair bit of weight, although this could be linked with losing my appetite during the first few weeks after the break up.
But, whats helped me most?? I visit a club on a Monday night called Andy's Man Club... It's a group with over 120 groups around the uk for me to go and just chat (if you want to, theres no pressure to talk) and get stuff off your chest..
Having that support and non judgemental people around have helped me no end.. Sure I still have shitty days, and the eyes leak a bit at times.. but this is the start of me getting better... I can't waste it.
Time to find a new home for myself, get somewhere where my daughter can come and go as she pleases.
