When my Dad passed away, I felt like one part of my soul died with him too!
I thought time will heal everything, I will get back to life. Yes, things changed, I healed. Now I can talk about him which I couldn't even a few years ago. But the part inside my soul still feels empty.
And I know very sure, that would not going to fill with anything else for the rest of my life.
I saw this week's question on ecotrain, I sure will write a post about it. Because spiritual development is the one major thing that helped me to get out of this emotional black hole.
I usually don't talk about my Dad with anyone, not even my Mom or husband. But I became a little comfortable talking about it online a few years ago. This is how much time I needed to go with this fact. I still feel numb/emotionless when talking about him. And feeling the same while writing this. A deep dark pain still pokes my heart, I still can't hold my tears while thinking about him.
This empty feeling is something that I can't accommodate with but I had to. It's hard to explain how I feel.
People say it's been 12 years now, you should get over the emotion. Because even if some of my family members talk about him (he was a good man so people talk good about him); I still cry and it makes things awkward.
I also thought that over time I would act differently but it's not happening. The emptiness is still inside, my feelings are almost the same.
One thing that I could say certainly brought peace inside me and that is my Motherhood. But that never filled the emptiness. I thought the joy of parenting will take over every other feeling. But days pass by and I'm getting to feel more how incorrect I was.
Faith also helped me to come in a position to let go of the sadness of my grief. I started to develop as a person to honor my grief and begin to work through it.
I was never been worried about my dad's punishment or the afterlife (as per my belief because I know he is in a good position. I'm worried about my earthly life, how could I survive, how could I get over the emptiness and all.
I'm not too stressed about it but these 12 years felt like something is missing in my life. And I know probably I will continue to feel the same for the rest of my life.
