My testimony is essentially the story of my life, so I thank you for reading this as I open myself up with incredible vulnerability. Though now, thank God, it almost feels like all of this happened to another me in a distant, long-forgotten world. Due to the unending grace of God, I am not the same person anymore. I've shed my skin and have been reborn; putting my previous ways to death and accepting my new life under Christ. I'll be 30 at the end of March this year and it amazes me how long it took me to get here. On the other hand, all of the trials and tests that have been put before me have finally set me on the correct path. You see, I needed these things to happen so that I would break and start becoming the woman God intended me to be.
I remember when I was four years old and my birth-mother had packed my miniature suitcase, dropped me off in front of my grandparents' doorstep and watching her drive away. My grandfather, whom I call Dad, answered the door and as he recalled me saying, "Mommy threw me away." My grandparents became my legal guardians at a very young age and for countless years I spoke with psychologists, therapists, and counselors. My birth-mother had verbally abused me when I was under her care but I don't know the extent of it and only have a couple of strange memories from that time.
While under the care of my grandparents, whom I grew to call Mom and Dad, I had a rather charmed childhood although depression, and intense anxiety gripped me and I was very moody with a monstrous temper. I constantly felt very alone and with all of these emotions whirling me around, my adolescence was a very chaotic and confusing time.
Our household, while my parents loved me (and I fought them relentlessly), was not a religious one. My parents told me that they believed in God, but not once had I ever seen them in a church. I would say that my first introduction to God was when I attended private school from 1st to 4th grade. Eventually, I started attending different churches with different friends, yet none of them seemed to make sense. I didn't know that I was searching for my home in the house of God. All I knew is that I would attend church, try to sit still and pay attention to what was being taught, but it never felt right to me. Still, I didn't give up.
In my freshman year of high school, my friend had invited me to attend her church and so I did. I participated and attended that church somewhat regularly (since I lived about a half hour away), and yet still I didn't feel like I was apart of the church community. Why were these people so happy while I was so plagued with depression, anxiety, and anger? This constantly haunted me. Eventually, after high school graduation we all parted ways and I didn't return to church for a very long time. In my mid-twenties I visited a church where I very nearly felt at home. I visited this church somewhat regularly with intermittent hiatuses.
Now let's revisit my darker times. From my early twenties until this year, I have been involved with with a smorgasbord of sins ultimately hoping that something, or someone, will fill the empty void in my heart. I've been involved with many men who would take a piece of my soul with them after they were through with me. It involved a pregnancy, which I made the decision to terminate. Drugs became an escape for me, an alternate reality where either the pain would either intensify or become so distant that I would almost forget its existence.
My whole world fell apart when my Mom died from an incurable cancer back in 2012. My family, who were pretty distant to begin with, grew even farther apart and I took refuge by partying with people I considered friends. In 2016 I met my neighbors, who led me into the world of prostitution; a place I'd always sworn I'd never go, and yet I did. It was infrequent but it was beginning to harden me further and I didn't recognize myself. By the grace and mercy of God, I have a clean bill of health and it was a wake up call for me. I quit.
It all came to a head at the beginning of 2017 when my boyfriend who shared an apartment with me, left me to move out alone when our lease ended. I bounced around to different houses/apartments, living with some truly crazy people, destitute, and relying on the generosity of friends and strangers alike to help me get by. Eventually I escaped to live in an apartment of my own but in December, I was finally evicted.
In May of last year, I was regularly attending a church where it finally hit me. I had to LET GO of everything. It was too hard, I couldn't do it anymore, and so I called out to God. During my entire life I had never realized that I have to GIVE God control and live by his Word. And so I began to dedicate my life to God. Eventually, sexual temptation led me astray twice more until I realized that I literally can't do this anymore. It was wrecking my heart, soul, emotions and I deserve more than what I was allowing into my life. Godless men who ME, a sweet, kind, compassionate soul, as nothing more than an object to be used. I won't stand for that anymore.
After my last romantic endeavor failed in December, and dealing with an eviction, having barely any money, I knew this was it. I had nowhere to go, nothing to show for myself, and I could not handle any more stress. I was finally forming my plan to kill myself and the only thing stopping me was the question of, "Who would feed my cats?" I came in contact with a coworker when I was very stressed and about to lose my cool at work and asked her to pray over me. She did, and the next day she told me that God told her that I am destined for great things. Because of what I've been through, I will have opportunities to help people who are suffering and if I'm gone, who is going to help those people?
I was motivated after her guidance and searched for a place to live just a few days before my eviction court date. I found a room to rent on Craigslist where I met my housemates, and their lovely two kiddos. One of my housemates and I have had numerous talks about God, about my path, and last Sunday, they brought me here, to their church, where I have never felt more at home. I have always felt a bit shy at church but here I am able to unabashedly worship, speak to my God, and praise Him in ways that he has always deserved and I have always fell short. Thank you for welcoming me Home.
