I often read about the inner dialogue as being very important for our well-being. The constant story we tell ourselves influences a lot of our world views to our confidence. So being hard with yourself is detrimental to being well-adjusted...in theory.
I grew up- like many of us - in an environment that pushed me to be better and pretty much not accepting failure. Why can't you get a better mark when X could?
And as an adult (heh) I still feel that my every failure could or should be prevented and I am kicking myself a lot when I do something stupid. This is very difficult cause I fail a lot.
I lately tried to asses as objectively as possible if I am maybe just not being fair to myself and maybe I should give myself more slack. Maybe.
But truth is that I can't. I just think I should learn and do better next time but a lot of my mistakes could have been prevented. I should have.
The worst is when I disappoint people. I hate being the one who disappointed someone and I have a hard time making peace with it. I always try to make it right when possible but most of all I spent a lot of time wishing that I would have done something else, something different. I go over the whole scenario imagining that I did this or that and prevented it all. I can't. The past is dead and set in stone. And that's what gets me. Infinite circular thinking to no conclusion. Just pain.
I am not really sure I should stop this. I mean, yeah, is not doing me any good but I think a level of penance and punishment is warranted and can keep you humble and fair. I can't just waltz away from doing something stupid and say "oh well".
It's a cross to bear. But also, it's maybe a strength in the end. I am not sure, moments like these when the feeling is strongest, feels more like a never ending punishment.
I don't know.
I just don't.
