Have you ever felt so numb that the world just seems like a boring place? That you've lost interest in almost everything that you put your hands to?
I've been like that before. Sadly, it's commonly recognised in depression.
Now, I'm not one to fly off the handle and say that because you feel numb that you've straight away got yourself a good old case of the blues, no.
Depression appears in clusters. In fact most things in life appear in clusters. It's the same for almost every facet of everything we do. If we want to know if a woman likes us on a romantic level we can't just take a smile as a queue, there needs to be a cluster of behaviours, such as being around you more than most people, or popping into your life when you least expect it.
The same can be said for depression. It's not just feeling numb that makes it so, it can be an assortment of other factors, like for instance losing interest in food and going out with friends.
But I'm not here to talk about depression today, I just want to have a good old chat about feeling numb. I know it, it can happen to anyone, and it can typically lead you down a really dark path. It's generally how it all started for me. I felt numb and disinterested and I wanted to spice up my life with drugs and alcohol.
It first started off with me when I was a young boy. Sadly I had a father figure die on me and from there I took it very badly. I just felt numb. I couldn't feel much. I somewhat feel this was the catalyst for worse things to come. It was the pre-cursor to my great downfall.
With a lot of people this type of thing strikes out of the blue. I've talked with so many people that have told me it came at a good point in their lives. They were happy and things were going great, and boom, numbness.
This is what happened to me. I was in the international golf team for my country, I was a straight A student, and I was headed towards all the top tier Universities. And then it just struck me out of the blue. Came out of nowhere, bam. The ability to feel, or get enjoyment out of things went away.
When it happened to me we were at a time when we were still at the edge of the dark ages of psychiatry. No-one could tell me what was wrong, the doctors palmed it off as hypochondria, and I was pegged as a time waster. This of course brought along with it panic attacks and anxiety because I knew something wasn't right and no-one could explain to me what was wrong.
Around that point in my life I started to use alcohol. The first time drunk for me was like a breath of fresh air. No longer did I have the slowly growing ball of anxiety in my stomach, or the grief from losing someone that I loved. It was like a temporary escape from reality where I felt almost like I could take on the world. No problem was too great or too small. I was like superman.
And thus began my ten year long love-hate issue with alcohol. The hangovers were terrible, but the highs were excellent and solved all my worries and issues for the evening. It was great.
But it wasn't until I stopped drinking alcohol that I began to realise that what I had been taking for ten years was a depressant. Essentially ethanol (alcohol) suppresses the central nervous system making you feel less, and prolonged use can lead into heavy bouts of depression and feeling numb.
It's like the body's way of securing a regular supply of the drug. You drink, feel great, but afterwards you feel not so great, so you drink more to feel better. I didn't realise it but continually drinking alcohol was what was contributing to my depression.
Now don't get me wrong, this was just part of the problem. It's not like after stopping alcohol I was suddenly cured of feeling numb, no, quite the contrary. In fact because when I stopped drinking alcohol there was no a massive hole in my life where going out and partying should be. So it lead me further into depression now that I had stopped drinking every day, however at least I didn't have that problem anymore.
The real change came when I started to fill my life with what I enjoyed doing. Rather than thinking what other people wanted me to do I began to think what mattered to me most. Which was hard to do at the beginning because when you've lived a life of servitude you don't really know what you like or not.
The exciting part was the discovery phase. Seeking out groups and trying things I had never quite done before. Learning about myself. It was a very selfish voyage but then through that I learned that sometimes it's okay to be selfish. My needs matter too, right?
So long story short depression is still a thing with me. It's probably through a combination of factors such as continued alcohol use over an extended period of time, my tendency to bouts of laziness, and the ease in which I slip into bad habits. Wrap that all on top of not enough sleep.
That being said this is nothing that I can't snap myself out of, or my wife can always notice it before we go down that route. It's about immersing yourself in things that you love. Like really love.
If I start to get down or feel numb I know the best thing to do for my soul is to create something. A blog, a post, a picture, anything. For me it's food for the soul, and afterwards I have something to show for it, to look back on and say damn, I did that! That was me.
Also giving and lending my time to people is another food for soul type activities I do to keep my mind on balance. It's all about feeling good, and doing things for people that need it makes me feel good. This can lift me out of anything, knowing that someone has benefitted from my time in some way.
These are my emergency kits though. Everyone is different and the trick is to find yours. That's why the discovery phase is so important. Some people like bashing out a gym routine, other people like going on long walks in nature -- it's all about what fills your soul with positive energy in the moment.
The main take away from this is to find out what type of person you are and embrace that! You'll really thank yourself for it.
Peace :)
