“People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them.”
Epictetus, Enchiridion
As the Greek philosopher Epictetus (55-135) affirmed, only beliefs about myself can affect my way of feeling. Regardless of what others may or may not think of me, positively or negatively, only my thoughts influence my emotions. To the extent that I believe that my value depends on the acceptance of others, I become vulnerable and I am at risk of being manipulated by others. Many times, the disapproval of others only reflects their irrational ideas, because they do not disapprove us based on a specific behavior, but they tend to judge the total value of me as a person, my "absolute essence".
We could be aware that perhaps "I made a mistake, but I AM not a mistake", that we are the ones who give power to others to devalue ourselves, believing that the total disapproval they make of us is true.
Accepting criticism is devastating for a person who bases his self-esteem on the acceptance of others. The human being is imperfect, although we can improve, be perfectible, but to believe that a criticism devalues us as a person is to assume that the author of the criticism is perfect and we will never reach that state of perfection that compares with the kingdom of heaven on earth.
In this way, our value depends on the acceptance of others and therefore, we live constantly anxious to obtain our value and not lose it, becoming ourselves complacent, obedient, conformist and submissive, and depressed when we lose our value and the acceptance or approval of the others, becoming ourselves addicted, fearful of the discomfort originated by the withdrawal syndrome of the lack of acceptance, needing the love of others to mitigate our pain.
The consequence is contempt, self-punishment, and the “should” statements of our inner fascist, thoughts of the kind: "I should not be so dependent on the opinion of others" "I should not be so vulnerable", "I should not be so imperfect, if I were not, they would accept me and I would have value.” In the end, our inner dialogue becomes a conversation between an inner fascist and an obedient slave, who must self-flagellate constantly to maintain his sense of self-worth, being as ascetics of the desert of our ego, seeking purity impossible to achieve. The final result is that the rejection of others and the negative label is internalized, creating the stereotype of the despicable being that does not deserve compassion, which leads to self-destruction and resentment.
The solution to this labyrinth of self-contempt is the unconditional self-acceptance that brings independence from the opinion of others. Accepting yourself as a fallible human being, valued by the simple fact of being alive, loving one's own life and that of others and, as far as possible, enjoying the creative experiences we can have with others. The best way to fight against our inner fascist is with a sense of humor, with the irony of intelligence, which observes the authoritarian character and perceives it in its infinite ridiculousness, as the impotent being who only feeds when we empower him through the denial of ourselves. To laugh at that totalitarian character, moralist of opera buffa and Pharisee, will take away his power and we will recover the joy of living.
When we have the attitude of self-love, mistakes are perceived as sources of learning and therefore of strength and growth. Criticism is unpleasant but not devastating, it is bearable for those who admit that it is not perfect and for those who take advantage of criticism when it is fair, as an opportunity to mature and be better. Self-love and unconditional self-acceptance depend on you.
“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.”
Epictetus