I'm a 34 years old married bisexual in an open relationship who enjoys the occasional S&M play. Also, a mother (how weird is that?!), UX designer, geek and carry many other tags such as ADHD and PTSD to fill you in on what makes me who I am - so read on if you like it!
Growing up in the 80's as an un-diagnosed ADD girl was hard enough as it is, but my parents decided to move to a whole new city and apparently, I took it quite hard. Something to do with being over sensitive as part of the ADD. I was immediately disconnected from everything I knew. Keep in mind that it was the early 90's in Israel and our new house (can't call it home) didn't have a phone line until two years later! Similar to Riley from Inside out, a lot of islands crashed and faded into nothingness when I was 10, but unlike Riley, I had to build new islands over former ruins, all by myself. It took me many years to overcome this (or so I thought)- 8 years until I was kind of ok with the big move.
In the end I could see the big benefits of moving to a larger house and getting a dog but things changed since then. I couldn't understand or connect to people around me. Took me a long while to develop social skills but now I'm capable of befriending people everywhere I go if I need to. I can move, switch jobs and friends whenever I want to, who cared about me anyway? For years I was obsessed with sex, nymphomaniac you'd say and you wouldn't be far off. That is the only authentic human connection and intimacy I could make. I don't do emotions and feelings. Or at least, I didn't use to.
For years I stumbled through life like this, going for the extreme and getting hurt (I was sexually assaulted several times but didn't realize it, denial works like a charm...), never making a substantial connection with a person. I had friends but no intimacy. Going out friends. Friends to laugh or chat with. and that's it. I didn't get that I was the one holding back, I never let them reach my heart, it was behind many many walls.
Then came Simba. No, not the lion, though he kind of identifies as one.
Sometimes a bunny, go fig.
I thought I'd get tired of him in a few months, just like all the rest. Just another guy to have some fun between the sheets with, that's all. We met on a sleazy dating site after all and he lived a few hours ride from me anyways. Somehow, I'm not really sure how, he got through to me from the very start. When he touched me, I literally felt butterflies anywhere our bodies would touch. That was amazing!
Those butterflies stayed for about a year, by the end of it we already moved in together with my roommate, little sister and her friend. Yes, we had a short year in an improvised commune, kind of. Few years later we ended up married but not before we opened our relationship. I honestly don't think I would have dared to go through getting married without keeping my freedom and sexuality open. I can go on and on about him and our special connection. Really, it's a fu**ing Disney story and I never thought this thing, love, even existed.
Good choice as he is the most amazing person I know. He broke through my walls and opened me up emotionally which was the best thing that happened to me in my life. Bad choice, as soon after, among other feelings, my denial started to collapse. Thoughts of previous sexual attacks kept creeping in and when my kid was only 1 years old I started having anxiety attacks and freezing in bed. Everything was too painful, than I didn't feel anything, didn't want anything, wasn't hungry, didn't care. That is my most challenging quest so far. Dealing with PTSD. I have so much to write and share about this but I feel as if I've written too much as it is.
So, to make a very long story short, follow me, I have loads of things in mind dying to get here on Steemit.
~Rainbow
