I've been suffering from cPTSD ever since I was 10. All that time, never even knowing, just how blind I've been.
Trying to process all the traumas I had the misfortune to experience, I started therapy. Being the control freak that I am, I gathered information from anything I could get my hands on, to find additional methods to stabilize my mood and put my life back on track. I've been hearing from many sources in the past year about MDMA based therapy, specifically for PTSD. True, I always wanted to try MDMA for recreational purposes (though haven't touched anything but weed until then) but now I stated thinking of it differently. You see, I've been suffering from fear of physical intimacy for over a year now, up to the point of "freezing" and disconnecting from my body or having a full blown anxiety attack. Naturally, you can see the appeal in a drug that might help me deal with a simple hug again. No, not deal - LOVE. Like I used to.
Though there is a clinical trial on MDMA based therapy in my country, I do not qualify for it, so I had to get it myself, which I believe is less "pure" and probably less effective. If you want to try this yourself, please be careful. Do your own research, talk to friends, get it from a trusted source. Also, be sure to do this in a safe environment with people you love, drink water and chew a lot of gum during.
Finally, when all stars aligned and we found the source and time for it, I took it with my partner, 250 mg each. About two hours later, I felt a surge hitting my brain like a rocket... then everything was awesome! All of a sudden I wanted to dance and sing to the music we had playing. The music was lifting me up and I danced in my underwear singing/screaming, at home, surrounded by my lovely things and lovely partner - my life was a fuckin' Disney movie and everything was great. When I was changing my clothes (I wanted a swirly dress! and pigtails! and colors!), I remembered. I remembered who I am. Who I was before my life crashed with the diagnose of PTSD, before dealing with demons I hid for too long and before anything bad that ever happened to me. I knew it when I felt it and from observing my behavior during- it wasn't just the drug making me dress up and dance to Disney, I was like that, these were things I enjoyed, that made me who I am.
It brought me to the surface. Pure me. The me that was surrounded with darkness so I couldn't see it shine. I thought I lost parts of myself that I will never find again, that they have faded away - but, oh, did I shine that night! I felt like I was set free from a cage inside, it was happily overwhelming and I expressed it by bouncing off the walls, my true self has been set free. My partner swears I was like god (Alanis) in the movie Dogma.
At some point I had enough of celebrating finding myself and went outside to smoke some weed to pop it up again. However, this time we found ourselves talking mainly about... my mother. I've been working on forgiving her for not "seeing" me as a child and hiding emotions but all of a sudden I was filled with love towards her, realizing she tried the best she could at that time. All of a sudden I could collect from my shredded memory, pieces from the past where she did see me, sometimes even better than I saw myself, but how could I see when my judgments was clouded with fear and mistrust? Then, I realized and felt it, warm inside- she does love me. I am her child and will always be, she loves me and she tries so hard to win my trust and love back. Something inside me melted a little.
Then my partner of 7 years, went on and on, stating all the things in me that makes him love and admire me. Actually, he is like that on a daily basis... but my shield of cynical humor and my barriers have been removed for the night and I was finally able to believe that I could be loved. After all, if you think your own mom doesn't love you, how can you believe anyone else does?
Looking in his eyes (I find it hard to look people in the eye), half stating a fact and half amazed, I said; "You do love me, you really do".
I then realized the therapeutic benefit, why it can be helpful to treating people with PTSD. During that magical time I could talk about horrible memories... but they didn't feel overwhelming or irrationally scary anymore. I wasn't afraid of him seeing me cry or ashamed of it - it actually felt... good.
The drug left my brain but I was still very connected, connecting and enjoying touch. Finally, in bed, I acted like "before". It wasn't a mental task, possibility of it going wrong just didn't seem to be and for the first time in a year, I was making love. I was there and I remembered how great it feels, what I'm fighting to get back. It wasn't lost forever, it's still there, I'm still me.
We rested for the next few days as it takes a lot of energy out of you and leaves you tired - but I didn't need to actively "shoo" the bad thoughts, always on my toes. Something got better. I am now a month after the first time I tried MDMA, without official psychotherapy (only talking to my partner) and I'm simply better. I can remember quite a lot from that experience and whatever it rewired back to normal, stayed that way and I am thankful.
For more information, see for yourself:
http://www.mdmaptsd.org/
