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When I read this I thought of the list of successful re-builders that Sassy often posts. I have read a heckuva a lot of things since DDAY, but I want to think it's taken from the How to help your spouse heal after infidelity book. I have seen it in different reiterations in other books. But, perhaps someone could repost the list? As from my own perspective as a non-expert, non-author it's these things:

1. Spending time really understanding what we have done to the other person until we ourselves can imagine it as closely as possible. That means asking a lot of questions, reading about trama (because IMO without understanding how trauma changes the lens it's difficult to connect with some of the thoughts/fears that we have given the BS to deal with). Don't make it about you, don't be defensive. Do actively listen and apologize about specific things often.
2. Being purposefully transparent. I say all the time, giving acesss to phone, passwords, tracking...all of that is bare minimum and is a natural requirement. So, I will be transparent in ways that aren't asked of me. Knowing that we broke the trust, us making sure we aren't putting ourselves in any situation that the BS would be uncomfortable with, providing updates, or providing opportunities for situations to be discussed ahead of time. There are times when I will straight up tell H "Hey, there is something I really need to do (describe it) but I am afraid that you will think ____ or you will feel ____. So I will ask if he thinks it's a good idea and if they do then follow up with "Okay, so what do you need to make this work well for you too?" And we'll agree on what the parameters are for that outing or whatever. We are doing that a lot now with him traveling again. It's a big step that we are both being careful with.
3. Own it. All of it. Get accountable even for things that could have happened but didn't. Acknowledge the thoughts, the feelings. Share back why you don't think that way now. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
4. Understand what your spouse wants and needs. Try and provide it at every turn. Put them first. Show empathy, and when you don't have it, then ask more questions until you can see it from their view point. Take charge of date nights, pursue him, but do so in a frame of what he wants, needs, enjoys.
5. Self work. Tuning into the stories we tell ourselves. Tuning in when we are blaming. Tuning in to what broken thinking has led us to this place and turning that around.
   I am probably missing a ton of them, but this is a good list that others can add to.