Good parenting is known to create a foundation for a child's healthy, positive development. Well, I believe good parenting also involves parents living their lives as role models. My parents actually tried to live their lives as role models for us, but I think we, the children, were just given to them by God to keep because there are some personalities we did not inherit from them.
I've had these strict parents of mine since day one of my life. Some people are lucky to have a strict Dad and a soft loving Mum, I envy them sincerely. I'm not saying my parents aren't sweet and loving, but strictness joins their ranks. In my family, you'll only be warned once when you do something bad; repeating it means you're ready to be beaten. What have we not been beaten with in this life? My mom will still go as far as throwing stones at us.
Then, as children, we were actually afraid of being beaten every time, so we pretended to have changed and become good children. The pretense isn't what we decided to do though; we just decided to do whatever they wanted as long as we wouldn't be beaten. But I termed that decision "pretense" because we were doing what we didn't want. I think children's opinions should be considered too in aspects of their growth and development.
There were a lot of parenting principles that were used on us by our parents and that, when I became a parent, I would never make use of. One is their authoritarian method; now, this isn't about them giving us instructions or anything; of course they have every authority over us, but in the aspect of us suddenly doing something they've never spoken to us about before, especially me, being the first child, I underwent a lot of harsh discipline from my parents. While I underwent these disciplines, my siblings were left behind. My parents believed any attitude I display will be inculcated into my sisters naturally, so they made me the scapegoat of the family and also their mirror to reflect their kind of behavior to the world, especially to my sisters.
Now that I'm grown, I think they got it all wrong. The fact that I and my sisters are biologically related and look alike does not mean we should have the same personality. I can't be less honest; their discipline on me helped reduce the kind of bad girl I would have become, but what about my sisters? Up until now, people have found it difficult to believe that we were both trained by the same person because of our differences in personalities.
I remember a time when I was just 18 and our lastborn, then 13, told me that she would never accept all these things I was accepting from Dad and Mom when she grew up. Then I realized that people don't change people; sometimes action does, but it didn't work for my sisters while it worked for me. Different things are meant for different individuals, even for a set of twins. What it took a person an hour to know might actually take the other person years to understand it.
And so, I said to myself, "When I become a parent, I'll treat my children equally, no position discrimination." The way I'd treat my first child is the same way I'd treat my last child: with the same love and different discipline techniques, because they will be different individuals with different personalities. For the past few years and with my experience from families so far,
I've come to the realization that not all firstborns are made to be a reflecting mirror to their siblings. Firstborns are not the only people made to shine forth the light of the family; any child from the ordinal position of the family could do so naturally. But when all attention and discipline are directed to the firstborn alone, this will affect them in not becoming what they actually want and equally the other children.
Another thing I found unappealing in their parenting strategy happens whenever we're having one-on-one discussions with them. Whenever I hear "Dad wants to see you," my heart starts beating differently. My parents talk to us a lot; in fact, we have almost everyday conversation with them, but the part I find wrong is that they don't allow us to talk. And sometimes, when we are given the chance to talk, nothing we say will be accepted.
I know that as children, we may say things that are not really right for us, but I still think parents' reactions matter to children. No matter what children say, right or wrong, they shouldn't be shouted at but rather gently called to one side and counseled. Shouting at children sometimes creates a kind of eternal fear, and if parents are not careful, children may find it difficult to draw closer or express their feelings. And this is one thing that has affected me.
There was this time too when my dad almost stopped me from schooling just because I wasn't attending his church in school. He asked who gave me the audacity to choose my own kind of church, and that was the first time I spoke up against him. I had to let him know I have plans for my life too, and there are things I want for myself too. Throughout my childhood, I lived the life my parents wanted, and they also wanted that to continue until I made it clear that I was actually doing those things to please them.
My childhood was so boring that it affected my youthful life; it made me an introvert, and I later became half an extrovert because I worked towards that. But my parents don't know I have a bit of an extrovert spirit in me. I can't tell them things freely unless they are ones I know they will be happy to hear. Parents are supposed to know both the positive and negative sides of their children, but we tend to show only the positive sides to our parents and endure the negative side within us.
We actually hide the negative side from them, not because we're afraid of being scolded but because we're afraid of being looked at as one spoiled, ungrateful child whose life has no meaning. My mom does give us this particular look, and whenever she looks at me that way, I do feel like running away. She thinks that kind of facial expression will make us understand the gravity of our offense and the level of her annoyance.
Well, she's partially right, but children are meant to make mistakes, and when they're not treated with distinctive care, they'll hide it next time they do something bad.
Above all, I recommend my parents for their effort so far; it's not easy to have stubborn children, and it only takes the grace of God to lead them down the right path. I'd say their prayers did the hardest work in aiding our training. Nevertheless, they were a bit harsh to us while training us up, and that is something I won't do to my future children.
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As a child growing up under strict parents, my whole self was under my parent's captivity, so I didn't get the chance to do things my own way. The pretense was the only wrong thing I know I did as a child, and that wasn't totally my fault.
I would never give room for pretending in my children's lives because I'll be free with them to the extreme that they'll open up their minds to me.
I'll be considerate of my children's words, their ambitions, their intentions, and all. Adequate and proper communication—this isn't about me talking only; they get to say their piece, and I get to make corrections if needed. Frequent counseling, advice, and prayers The best friend to have as a child is a mother; my mom is a very good friend of mine. We gist a lot and gossip about others, but I can't find myself telling her my secrets. I'll be the best friend my children will ever have.
Thank you for always reading; I'll be glad to see your comments.
