When we think about love, marriage, and relationships, we often find that the first template we have is the one set by our parents. Consciously or unconsciously, their dynamics influence is how we approach our own relationships—what we value, what we tolerate, and what we refuse to accept. Looking at my parents’ marriage, I have come to realize that while I admire certain aspects of their relationship, there are also things I would not want to replicate in my own future.
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My father was a provider in every sense of the word. He ensured that my siblings and I never lacked anything—education, shelter, comfort, and a good life. He worked hard as an engineer, traveling often for work, and because of that, we didn’t see him as much as we would have liked. There were long stretches when he was away, and even when he was home, he was often surrounded by his friends, which left little room for real bonding time as a family. My mother, on the other hand, held our home together, ensuring that we were well taken care of. She played her role diligently, but I could tell that there were aspects of their marriage that were difficult for her.
One of the major struggles my parents faced was my mother’s desire to work. My father preferred a traditional household where the man provided and the woman stayed home. He didn’t want my mother to work, believing that it was best for her to take care of the home and the children. However, my mother was not entirely comfortable with this arrangement. She wanted something for herself, a career, a sense of independence. When she eventually got a job, it caused a huge conflict in their marriage. It took them years to resolve this issue, and while they eventually came to an understanding, I could see how much pain and frustration it had caused her. Looking back now, I can’t help but wonder—if she hadn’t insisted on working, how would she have managed to take care of us after my father passed away? It was her job that gave her the financial stability to continue providing for us.
Another aspect of their marriage that shaped my views on relationships was the way my father reacted to my mother’s concerns. My mother often complained about his frequent absence, expressing how difficult it was to raise children essentially on her own while also dealing with his long working hours. Instead of addressing her concerns with understanding, he would sometimes respond with frustration, raising his voice at her. This was disheartening to witness because I knew he loved us, but he struggled with emotional availability. He was a caring father in many ways—he provided for us, ensured we had the best education, and never let us suffer. But in terms of being physically present and emotionally supportive, there were gaps.
Seeing their marriage play out the way it did has given me a clear perspective on what I want and don’t want in my own relationship. I deeply admire the way my father took responsibility for his family and made sure we never lacked anything. However, I do not want to marry a man like my father. I want a marriage where both partners have the freedom to pursue their dreams and careers without it leading to conflict. I want a man who values emotional connection just as much as financial stability, someone who understands the importance of being present, not just in providing but in bonding and building a relationship with his family.
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I also learned from my mother’s resilience. She showed me that it is important for a woman to have her own independence, even in marriage. I respect the sacrifices she made, but I also recognize that she had to fight for her own fulfillment. Her experience has reinforced my belief that while marriage is about love and companionship, it should also be about mutual respect, understanding, and the ability to support each other’s ambitions.
At the end of the day, our parents’ relationships serve as a guide—whether to follow or to diverge from. In my case, I choose to take the lessons I’ve learned from their experiences to shape a relationship that reflects my own values and desires. I want a love that is both emotionally fulfilling and supportive, where both partners can thrive individually and together. My parents’ marriage had its strengths and challenges, but it has ultimately given me a clear vision of the kind of relationship I hope to build.
