She’s gone and our hearts are broken.
The very first puppy I ever had as an adult that choose us. She was born on 7/4/2011 and we picked her up on 9/4/2011. My daughter always thought it was HER birthday present.
She had all kinds of names but preferred Princess. She was the “softee” snuggle pup for my boys when their father and I divorced, ironically 12/11/2011.
And as the children grew older, she too grew bigger and older and would wait for HER girl and boys to come home so she could smell all of the other children on them and all of the places she never went. Except the pet store. She loved going to the pet store and picking her own things out.
And here I am 10 years later on that divorce-a-versary with my beloved black lab mix at the vet clinic because last night over night, her back legs stopped working. In those moments, my heart knew what my brain couldn’t admit. She’s in renal failure and has something wrong with her liver.
So I drove her over to the vet who shoots it straight with a no bullshit chaser and most would say he has a terrible bedside manner. I call him the most honest vet I know. Plus, my family has known him for decades back from when we bred racehorses and I did semi professional show jumping and dressage.
He knows my heart because he saw me as a child having to euthanize my Shetland pony after she had been hit by a car that careened onto out property due to its driver being drunk. He watched absolute unfiltered, soul crushing heart break and my God did I ask that man so many questions about how certain he was she was gone.
After Princess’ bloodwork was complete he knew why she was sick. She was in Ketoacidosis from being Diabetic. Even after not eating for 3 days her glucose was at 500. Dr. Bailey told me the different options as I sobbed and only heard “your pup is dying and won’t likely make it through trying to get her back on track.” I just unlocked my phone and dialed my dad and handed the vet my phone and whispered through my tears- “My dad….I can’t.”
Flashes of my first car ride with my girl to come home through to our last adventure to the pet store to get her updated on her shots and we were picking out treats and I turn around and she has a 2 foot long bone in her mouth that is so heavy for her then 56lb self to hold up that she brought it to me as if to say, “I found the perfect one mom!!! Let’s go!” Knowing her age and that the type of bone would only hurt her mouth we debated on different treats until I said “Look, they have peanut butter flavor!” And it was agreed. She carried her bag of mini dog bone grain free training treats for me to give her for being such a good girl while getting her shots.
When we got home from shots we curled up together in one of the boys’ beds because she wanted them to comfort her. She wanted to have them know all about the owies so they would love on her and snuggle her, as she has since they were 11, 5, 5 and 4. Her girl and boys aren’t so little anymore. They are now 21, 15, 15 and 14. Her boys were with their dad last week, so we watched movies snuggled in bed together.
She stopped eating on Wednesday and lost 10 lbs from last Sunday down to 48.2lbs.
I asked the vet tech to bring her to me because I knew that her boys would soon be arriving with my father. If she heard her boys and she was caged in another room, she would be stressed. The tech agreed.
As I sat on the floor of the room I was in with her, she laid there as I stroked up her nose to her brow and around each ear humming Amazing Grace to her. I told her how thankful I was to have had her in my life to love me, and that I was sorry that I didn’t know she was sick sooner. I thanked her for loving my babies and protecting them as she has. I thanked her for trying to protect me from my abuser by standing between he and I and often times being the one that got screamed at because she wouldn’t leave my side. She was not free of his abuses either, and when you are in trauma you don’t necessarily see everything you should for what it is, until the trauma factor is removed from your life. When you’re made to account for all that has happened, you remember a lot of things. So I put my forehead to hers and just cried and told her how sorry I was for not being a better protector for her. I could feel her nose sniffing and then her tongue on my cheek as she licked away one of my tears. And I looked at her and she had a single tear that had gone down her face as well. I told her that her girl and boys would be there soon to see her. That’s when I took this picture. It is the only time she perked up today. Unable to use her back legs very well because of her liver and pancreas issues and renal issues, she was not able to get up to greet the children. So I laid out a blanket that she and I snuggled with this morning on the floor so she wouldn’t slide on the tile floor should she decide to sit up.
When the boys came in they were upset, naturally. By this time she had already curled her 48lb self into my lap, because she identifies as a cat like her other pet siblings. I transferred her into my youngest son’s lap gently so he could hold her and pray over her. I went to find my dad and when I did I just collapsed in his arms and told him that I can’t deal with losing her and if I can’t then the boys can’t either. The guy that has been their stepfather for half their lives walked out (rather, was escorted out) and he hasn’t been back when they are here. Now this. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. I am raw and my nerves are exposed and painful.
Each of my children got to have one on one time with their girl, to say what they needed to, thank her for all she has given them, to pray with her, talk to her, take their own pictures with her.
My dad was able to help pay for the vets services and cremation. We won’t get ashes back because he didn’t pay for that. But now I really wish I had asked for that. The boys collected her fur that was shaved off ahead of the IV placement. They put it into Kleenex. One of them has his allotment preserved in scotch tape and inside of his clear phone case with the picture he took of her today. I may need to call the vet in a few minutes when I can stop crying long enough and ask how much it would be for us to get her ashes back. I think I might regret not doing that for the boys and my daughter, and myself. I just spoke with the vet (yes it’s 11:40pm here) and he said it’s not too late to change our mind. I just need to call on Monday to ask for the private cremation and return, vs communal. And pick whatever we would like to keep her ashes in.
I think the major cost comes into the Urns and maybe the fact that I would only want Princess’ ashes back. Not other people’s animals. If you’d be willing to assist in this process the fastest way honestly is probably either to send Hive here or cash app to $BrynLukeWright or Venmo @Bryn-Luke-Wright and if it asks for last 4 of phone it’s 0269. Anything helps really.
We are going to get one clay impression paw print @KrisHunter helped me by making sure I got at least that, the rest will be like ink prints.
I have played peek-a-boo with these paws, kissed these paws, bought little dog shoes for these paws. She will forever have puppy paws in my heart.
That’s all I have to give tonight on this. I am absolutely heartbroken, and I wanted this post to be for Princess. In honor of her service to my children and I. In our good times and in our struggles. I am honored to have been gifted her presence by God, even if it wasn’t long enough for me.
Just Breathe
