I do.
I feel like my whole world has crashed around me over one simple choice I made to help someone in need. Someone who needed help and within an instant I made up my decision to help them. If you are wondering why? It is because they were close. So close in fact I stayed ignorant to all the red flags that kept popping up as they tried to hold their "friendly" persona together. In fact they did, they held onto it long enough to suck me into their chaotic disillusioned world and now have wreaked havoc on mine.
Now, this isn't the first time they have done this. They have ruined many of my close relationships in the past and I still stayed naive because of how long ago this was and how close they were. The reason why I decided to help was because they were close, blood related close.
In hindsight, I can see what they have left behind them and actually hearing the stories of what they have done to others I dont need to trust the stories to believe them but now I know that they would have been capable to do them.
With the great burden they have created in me, the silent whispers they have plagued my mind telling me "You're not worth it" "you're a waste" "you're a mistake"; slowly my positive demenour is crushed. It is scratched away faster than me trying to counteract it with more positivity but the sheer effort for every minute of every day leaves me exhausted. I feel alone and support has been hard to find as when I express my deepest inhibitions it is taken as "disgusting" thoughts that are impeding on my progress to a "recovery" as they are negative in nature. So I have been stuck with my thoughts. Both the positive and the negative. Slowly the negative cripples my mind.
In an attempt to pull myself up, I write this to anyone else that is feeling down.
DO NOT GIVE UP! I will not give up and you shouldnt too. No matter what it is, every situation you face YOU ARE ABLE to handle it. You may not be able to handle it well the first time but take note and learn from the experience so if it happens again you will have a better understanding and hopefully be able to handle it if it comes your way again.
If you are like me, reach out. Reach out to a mental health service or your GP. Reach out to the internet if you have no one close to you that will listen or you feel you cant talk to them.
Live on, love yourself and the ones around you. You will make it.
