My wife and I were having a discussion about friendships and relationships, and she said to me "I imagine giving your eulogy, and saying – none of you really knew Peter, except for Relfy & I". Now, apart from being a bit morbid… I thought about her point and what this meant. Relfy is my best mate, maybe the last close friend I ever made, way back in University 100 or so years ago… There’s no doubting that he truly knows me. And there is no doubting that my wife truly knows me. These are two people, whilst in their presence I don’t feel like I need to have a guard up, or hide anything.
My best mates, including my wife :-)
I wondered whether it was a good or bad thing (not like me to make things black or white…) that I’ve only let 2 people into my life enough to truly know the person I am.
You know what’s weird? I’m more comfortable being truly authentic and giving my full self from behind a keyboard, to a bunch of strangers like Steemit. It’s easier than doing the same in a room full of acquaintances. I think there’s a safety net, or boundary system behind the keyboard. If I feel we’re getting too close, I just don’t reply, right? Easy. No feelings hurt, well a little perhaps, but I don’t need to deal with it.
It’s not that I want to live this way. And I’ve been practicing in recent times being more giving of my heart. It doesn’t come easy though. I’m not sure whether it’s part of being an introvert, or whether there are some other deep-seated psychological/emotional issues that I’m not prepared to deal with. Actually that’s a lie, I know there are some other issues that I’m pretty damn good at running from. I have been working on these issues for a loooong time but there always seems to be a little more to do. I noticed myself repeating old behaviours last weekend as well. Things that I have worked so hard to do differently, but then autopilot switches on and I’m there again. I know I’m being vague but hopefully my point is coming across.
I've had to work at not pushing people out of my life. I was pretty good at not letting anyone get close when I was younger, so that I couldn't get hurt. Since then I have to be mindful to try to create and maintain friendships.
It’s socially acceptable though, to be a middle-aged male in the Western world with few to no real friends. It’s one of the issues that I’m concerned about – that men have few to no real friendships. The type that they can discuss their mental health, emotional and spiritual issues. Perhaps we need multiple friendships to be able to discuss the various elements of our wellbeing?
There is professional help, of course. And I’ve been good at seeking out professional help when I need it. Somehow, there is comfort in paying someone for a service to support me, rather than burden friends who have their own issues to deal with.
I don’t know what the point of this post is, which tells me that this is at the fringe of what I understand about myself. I guess a good thing is that whilst ever we are still alive we have a chance to learn and grow, to become better than we were yesterday. I’m proud of the fact that I’ve never been comfortable staying where I am. There’s always a new challenge, or new skill to learn. A new lesson to be learnt, from life, to adopt into my world view.
I guess some of the lessons I keep learning throughout my life are – don’t be so hard on myself, practice being vulnerable and open; and practice creating meaningful connections. I feel that I have made a few of those on Steemit, even if they’re not exactly the kind of relationship where we’d come to each others house at a drop of a hat to help out. But these relationships have a part in my overall wellbeing. Perhaps they may be the avenue to allow more meaningful real world relationships to flourish.