Something brilliant happened today. Something any non-cis person wishes for. But first, a brief history of my journey through Gender.

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Feminism and bisexuality

I met someone amazing and quickly fell in love. She was also the first feminist I've had a conversation with. A real conversation. While I've been exposed to many feminist subjects, it wasn't close enough to me for me to really comprehend the entirety of the subject. I had thoughts along the lines of "women should just care less about how they look, like men do" which is a nice idea, but completely impractical in a world where women are constantly bombarded with the idea that they need to be pretty to be worth anything.
During our time together, she introduced me to a facebook group called men talking about gender, which despite the name, wasn't exclusive to men. It was just a place that was accepting of men taking part in the discourse. People were still harsh to "not all men" comments, but there was more room to speak up, and more importantly, to ask stupid questions and get actual answers.
During this time, I also semi-accidentally joined a group for polsexuals. The name of the group was bi/pan/poly and I mistook it for polyamory, like many others. However, since I've always seen myself as a non-zero on the kinsey scale, and have been attracted to men in the past, I decided to stay and listen.

During this time I was exposed to a lot of discussion about gender, sexuality, feminism, and really opened up my mind. The first stepping stone to my gender identity shifting was this brilliant youtube video. The gist of it being that some people don't really feel strongly about their gender. Society says "You're a man" and they're like "ok". That is what I know as being cis by default. From this video I have come to the realization that I have been living my life based on a set of rules that society has dictated to me by saying "you're a man" and I just followed them blindly. I only looked at clothes and shoes in the men's section because I'm a man. I decided I do not like that one bit, and decided to stop.

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Changing is hard - ask a butterfly

It's not easy shaking 30 years of conditioning. It's made even harder because society actively resists it. I started by doing my nails. I happen to have a nail fetish, and I always figured I could only enjoy it on others. I grew out my nails, and started wearing nail polish and society was fine with it, some were even supportive. Complete strangers (only women) were complementing me on my nails before long.

The next step was women's clothes. I started in unisex stores, and while I was scared shitless, sneaking women's clothes to try on in the men's changing rooms, it went over without any unpleasantness. The first time I wanted to try on women's clothes in a woman's only store, I was met with a very harsh "It's against company policy" which was rather bullshit, since they had no problem with me going into the changing room with my girlfriend to help her. Just your average transphobia. Since then, I stick to online shopping, a specific second hand store that is very welcoming of me, and unisex stores. Transphobia is painful.

At this point, I started to identify as Male non-conforming. Part of the reason I still identifies as male, was because of my view of feminism. It was a sort of acknowledgement of my privilege and my stake in gender inequality.

Who are you?

On the 1st of January 2017 I received a latex catsuit I have ordered. The catsuit has built in slots for breast forms, and so, Aurore was born. Aurore is a name I always kept for future use. I sort of imagined giving it to my child, but I never wanted kids. Turns out, I was keeping it to myself.
Anyway, wearing the latex catsuit was the first time I felt like a woman, not just because of having a body that more resembled the female form, but because it changed my mindset completely.
The following weeks I had a strong internal discussion. I couldn't figure out Aurore. Was I pretending? Was it an alter ego? was it me, or acting? I couldn't tell for the longest time.
I eventually figured out that it's all me. Sometimes I feel feminine, and sometimes I feel like I don't know what gender is, and so I default to speaking in male pronouns (Hebrew has gendered first person words) and wear men's clothes. I started Identifying as genderfluid.

Affirmation feels good

The first bit of affirmation I received was sort of negative. A woman I know that identifies as hetroflexible, told me she's no longer attracted to me. It felt really bad. We all want to feel attractive, right? Well, I somehow managed to go from being attractive to not being attractive. Only after some thought I realized this is a huge affirmation of my gender. She's attracted to men. She just literally told me I'm not a man anymore. Some people might find that notion offensive, but to me, it was a very nice feeling. I'm not a man. I never was, I was just playing along.

There was also some negativity. A couple of weeks back I was not invited to a BDSM play party based on my gender. The play party included cis women, trans women, genderqueer people, and even trans men. But I was not included. I was not invited. I wasn't even considered. It hurt. It still hurts a bit.

But today. Today the most amazing thing happened. Today I bumped my introduction post in a facebook group for meeting polyamorous people, and a lesbian contacted me.

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We just started chatting, and it was short, and not flirty at all, and yet one of the best opening conversations I've had. And here I am, talking to a lesbian, who might be interested in me. Sure, it may not seem like much, but for me, just being considered means the world. It is a sort of gender affirmation I dream about at night. And honestly, a lesbian showing interest in me is a lot more meaningful than a heterosexual man showing interest in me. Men showing interest in me might just be enacting a trans fetish fantasy, and also a lesbian has thought long and hard about her sexual identity, and a heterosexual man might just be gay or bi in denial.

Anyway, I'm doing a little happy dance over here, don't mind me.