"Agar ap mera afsana bardasht nahin kar sakta, to iska mtlb h k ye zamana nakable bardasht h." - Manto
Translation: “If you cannot bear my stories, it means that this age is unbearable.”
In a Facebook post, a woman in Karachi described being threatened with rape at her house front door. She had ordered some groceries. The delivery guy later called and asked her for money, as he was in debt. She refused, for which she has all the right. He kept on calling, and she blocked his cell number. The next morning he showed up, banged on her door, and when she did not open; he sent her a message threatening rape. As per her, she had been fully covered from head to toe. Now, this single sentence is itself a problem. Why did she had to write it? Does difference of clothing give anyone the right to give such henious threats?
Moving aahead, the questions came anyway. In ther comments, under her post, the conversation was not about the man or the threat he has given. Rather it settled on her. The interrogation began: what were you wearing? why did not you help him? Then there was a man - the most virtous and pious - saying you must have given some sort of signals.
This thing may surprise to the world, but for people living in the South Asian region, it has become a norm. Quoting more facts or other incidents of honor killings, gender based violence and abuses will not make much of a difference.
The real question is: why was society ready to examine her before examining him?
A woman has been harassed, and she has to face victim-blaming. For generations, women have been seen through a single lense: the honor. Yes, she is the honor of their families, communities, cultures and even nations. A man may lie, cheat, abuse or behave without dignity, yet the family's honor is not threatened. But as soon as a woman starts to practice her freedom - clothing, friendships, choices, sexuality - she becomes a matter of shame.
A woman is a woman
There is a common slogan of the patriarchal society, in Punjabi it says: “Mawan Dhian Sb DI Sanjhian Hundia ne”. Translated as, mothers and daughters belong to everyone. I agree! But, why must a woman first be called someone's mother or daughter before society recognizes her humanity?
So, according to this saying, a woman should label herself as a man's property to be respected and considered worthy.
This thing is not common to this region ony, we often hear men being told, "respect women because she could be your mother" or "imagine if she were your sister." There is no doubt about the intention behind these words is good, but even these good intentions are a problem. Because, sometimes a good intention is only an old idea, wearing kinder clothes. When we says, "Imagine she is your sister," we are not asking a man to see the woman standing before him; we are asking him to replace her with a woman he respects.
The Borrowed Identity
Manto, one of the finest writer in Urdu literature, would have laughed our this system. If he were alive, he would have asked: are women being judged for their actions, or are they being judged according to the roles this society has assigned to them? Society loves to labelize everything. It creates the concept of "good and bad woman", the "modest and modern woman," and then, there is judgement for them. If you have remained in the boundaries, you are good to go. If not, you are vialable to worst punishments - somtimes, killing in the name of honor.
I am not against tradition. Tradition has meaning. But a followed narrative alone does not make every tradition right. Even if 90 out of 100 supports it, they cannot defy those 10 voices.
Consider this: I have a mind, a soul and a body of my own. My liberty is not an insult to my family, my culture or my faith. My choices does not take honor away from anyone else, other than me. And, if the society considers my liberty as a sin, then I may surpass the devil itself. But, this "I" is not backing down just because someone else wants to lead me.
Men of Culture
So are we actually moving ahead, or we have simply learned to behave better in public. The old patriarchal mindset is still here; iit has just changed its way of doing things. Earlier, it was open and visible. Now, it is indirectly open. Do you recall the meme -"Women" and laughter by two big characters with tea in hands? The style has indeed changed; the deregatory remarks are still here. No doubt, we have become civilized enough not to utter certain words openly, but not civilized enough to stop the remarks. The insult is called "just a meme." The harassment is considered as "boys being boys." Then we have the guts to ask why she is so sensitive. Rather we should ask why she is facing humiliation disguised as entertainment.
Mind Hunters
Personally, I really hate Netflix for cancelling such a show. The show has nothing special, just disturbing human interactions. And one of the most disturbing lesson in it is that violence rarely begins with violence itself. The violence, itself, is a mere part of bigger picture. There is most likely a pattern of thought. The investigators were not trying to prove the guilt; they were there to understand human mind. Like how a human mind reaches a point where another human being - women in our case - is no longer seen as a complete person. A threat appears the moment a person thinks that a woman owes attention, that her refusal is an insult or that her freedom requires male approval.
Now, in the end, this brings us back to Karachi. A woman standing behind her own front door, a man threatened her; but society - the most civilized by far - gave her a second trial. The threat was from one man, and suspicion was from many. We may not all be responsible for this, but we are responsible for the ideas we continue to take as a joke. Sometimes, the harassment begins much earlier, in joke or meme form that reduces women to a specific category. And remember, an act does not exist alone. It belongs to a larger pattern of thought. A person does not innately see another human being as less than human; that idea was taught to him by the society.
So before asking women to change themselves, maybe society should first ask: when will we change the ideas that taught men to see them differently?
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Peace 🕊️
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