Opening up..

Happy Sunday Fun day! It has been a week since my first post! And I honestly love Steemit! Everyone is so nice. I have yet to encounter my first troll, so until that day.. You aight Steemit. Just kidding! You'll soon find out how sarcastic I truly am..

My post today is all about opening up. Letting your walls fall. Being an open book. If you are able to share, with complete strangers, the most fragile events of your life... I believe that can come about healing and peace. It can help you conquer t hose moments in your life you wish you could change.

I had a event in my life that really shaped me into who I am. today. It was not only traumatic and life changing.. but to this day I can't help but conclude that it was all my fault.

It's okay. I've come to peace with this realization. It is difficult to come to grips knowing that you directly caused a situation that could have effected the lives of so many. It was the scariest day of my life, yet it was the best as well.

Just get on with it Marie, stop being so dramatic!

The day was May 17th, 2011. I was 36 weeks pregnant with my Cassie pants. I went in for my weekly check up. Everything seemed fine, except that my blood pressure had skyrocketed to about 180/90. The doctors at the clinic tried to lower it but it was not lowering. I however was feeling fine. I was not feeling like anything was out of norm. I was instructed to go to the hospital to be monitored for 24 hours. They also would collect my urine to check for excessive amounts of protein.

So there I laid. For 24 agonizing hours. Not knowing what was happening. I was scared. Every ultrasound showed Cassie was just fine, but not being able to get my blood pressure down brought on worries for heart attacks and seizures. After the 24 hours my doctor came in (he is the BEST doctor ever, still my OB today) He held my hand and told me I was diagnosed with Preeclampsia, and that they needed to remove my baby ASAP. They were going to stat the induction process.

Thankfully my husband was with me and I wasn't alone. I didn't have anything with me. No baby bag. Her room wasn't even finished. I hadn't started nesting whatsoever! I was not expecting to not come home when I left for my appointment the day before. I wanted to meet my baby for sure, but I just wasn't quite ready. I thought I had 4 more weeks!! No one honestly thinks that this situation could possibly happen to them.

They started induction at 9 am. My body took to the medicine right away and I began dilating. I think this was my bodies way of telling me it was ready and it was time. I got to about 7 centimeters and the medicine to control my blood pressure was starting to fail. They told me it was because my body was in pain. Even though I was handling my contractions just fine, breathing through them, my body was screaming. They gave me epidural so that my body could relax.

Even tho I wanted a natural birth, I realized pretty much everything wasn't going to go my way at this point.. I'm am ok with medical intervention. It's not just me in this situation. It was Cassie at risk too.I remember the moment I told my mom if it were to come down to Cassie or myself, choose Cassie. She straight up told me no. I told her that is what I want, and I made my husband promise to uphold that. Whatever the outcome this may bring, Cassie is coming out of it!

After two and half hours of pushing (I was all around exhausted, emotionally and physically) Cassie was born on May 20th at 1:35 am weighing 5 lbs 5 oz. Now we both came out of it, obviously. But why do I feel this was my fault?

This is a picture of me at 36 weeks pregnant. I was VERY unhealthy. My heaviest weight was 260 lbs. Now Cassie was a planned pregnancy. I consciously got pregnant as a 260 lbs, obese and all around unhealthy person.

It is MY fault that this happened. I realized how such a selfish act, even just being unhealthy and not taking care of yourself, can not only effect you, but the ones you love too. Cassie and I both faced very possible horrible outcomes that day, including death. I made a promise to myself I was going to get healthy. I was going to lose the weight. I was going to start a new life. I was now a mom! I was still going to be selfish, but in a different way!