AUTHOR'S NOTE: Part 4 can be found here - https://steemit.com/short-story/@phoenix32/journal-a-short-story-part-4
The air was stubborn, clinging to the chill of the winter, a reminder of the capriciousness of early April. He had stopped paying attention to the seasons since losing her; returning to his earlier escapades and adventures brought back his awareness of such things. He pulled his coat about him as he walked. It was getting tricky to appear in the house in spite of the fact that his siblings were moving on with their lives and moving out of the house. Everyone’s schedule changing, and he knew that it would be a problem if he ran into his family. He had jumped about through his early adulthood, and his younger self was starting to look more and more like the man he would grow into, save the scar.
It had been a particularly rough morning, as he had almost run into his mother. He had expected her to be at work, but she had used a sick day and was home. He had hidden himself away, struggling to keep from making a sound. He decided to hide out in his bedroom until he could easily slip out of the house.
His computer was set up on the desk, a massive upgrade from the one that had been in his dorm room with the roommate. Even still, it was a bit of nostalgia for him, as Windows XP was something he had not seen in full use for many, many years. There was no password on the system, since his younger self was not concerned with anyone seeing what was on his system and there was no roommate lurking about to mess with his property.
The knock on the door startled him to the point where he nearly leapt out of the chair. He clamped his mouth shut, his heart pounding like a roll on a timpani and his breath caught in his throat.
His mother’s voice came through the door. “Son?”
He had to fight an overwhelming set of impulses to answer her, to run to the door and hug her, to tell her how much he missed her and loved her.
“Son,” she repeated. “I know you’re in there. I also know that you shouldn’t be there. I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m not going to stop you. I just want to tell you that you’re doing a great job, and that I am proud of you. I’ve always been proud of you, and I will always be proud of you.”
He allowed himself barely a whisper as he said, “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, Son.”
His eyes became saucers and he heard her mirthful laughter as she walked down the hall towards the master bedroom and suite. After a few moments, he left his old bedroom. He heard the shower from his parents’ room, and decided that it was a good time to leave the house.
—————————————————————————————————————————
He chastised himself as he walked through the familiar neighborhood of his younger days. He knew that he should have kept his mouth closed, he knew that he should not have said anything, and he knew that his mother would hear him. She always did have ears like a bat, he thought as he approached the highway.
He knew that his younger self was at work, and that it was a fateful day. After he boarded the Northbound bus, he reflected on the journal entry that he had read…
What the Hell Did I Just Do? — Saturday May 31, 2008
Things have been bad with Amy for a while. I’ve been griping about her a lot lately, but things got bad last night.
I was hanging out with Lily last night. Her brother’s band was in a “battle of the bands” contest, so I went over to cheer them on after work. Lily was thrilled that I showed up — she told me that her boyfriend never showed up to anything like that. We ended up hanging out all night, going to the diner, and then back to her place.
And then it happened. I know that I shouldn’t have let it happen, I know it was wrong. But for the first time in… well… forever, really, I wasn’t getting yelled at. I wasn’t being nagged. I wasn’t being treated like crap. I was wanted simply because I am me. She wanted me, she wanted to be with me. She wasn’t looking for a hero, she wasn’t looking for me to be more than I am.
Honestly, things with Amy have been over for a while now. We’ve been playing “relationship chicken” for months, and it has been miserable. Neither of us wants to be the one to throw in the towel or to do the dirty work of breaking up with the other. Every time we are together, I want to be somewhere else — anywhere else, with anyone else — just not with her. I know, I know, it is cruel. And as much as I can explain what she has been doing to me, it doesn’t justify what I just did to her.
She’s been leaning on me so much. If I am sick, she gets angry with me. If I’m stuck in traffic, she blames me for the other cars being on the road. She went to make us dinner one night and I had to bail her out because she almost set her kitchen on fire. She yelled at me because she gave me bad directions to find her when she had a flat tire. Everything is always my fault. I cannot do anything right in her eyes.
So yeah, I should’ve broken up with her first. Truly. I know I was wrong. But I have to go see her today and break up with her. It really is over. Time to rip off the bandage.
He sighed heavily, remembering it all with a ton of clarity and even more regret. He had been young, but he still had known better. It was one of the things that he had learned to forgive himself for over the years. Hell, he had bumped into Amy at some point, many years later, after he had met and married Tracy. Amy, for her part, had more than moved on, having started a family of her own. It was not an uncomfortable meeting, but it had stirred up in him the feelings of guilt for how he had treated her, especially at the end.
He knew that he was going to have to face the breakup — not him, but his younger self. He recalled the morning after the battle of the bands, the morning after he and Lily connected, and he knew that he had not really slept at all before going into work. He also knew that he — his younger self — was going to have an opportunity to face things with Amy that day.
The bus pulled to a halt at the stop, and he disembarked. The bank was on the corner of the intersection, and through the massive window he could see his younger self sitting at a desk, doing paperwork. The look of exhaustion on the younger man’s face was evident. The scarred man made his way into the bank and stood in line, waiting for his younger self to be available.
The branch manager came over to greet him. “Can I help you, sir?”
“Oh, I’m waiting for the young man over there. I have… an appointment with him.”
She frowned. “We don’t really do that here…”
He smiled. “He was helping me with something last night, and I needed to come back this morning to finalize everything.”
Her frown disappeared. “Oh, my apologies! I understand. He’ll be with you in just a moment.” She glanced over her shoulder to the younger man at the desk, and then back at the scarred man. “If I didn’t know better, I would swear that you two are related! Has anyone ever told you that you could be his father?”
He allowed himself a small chuckle. “Oh, definitely not his father, but yeah, it’s been mentioned how we look similar.”
The younger man finished his task and acknowledged the summons of his manager. He walked over and struggled, in his exhaustion, to hide his surprise at seeing his scarred friend. “Oh! I wasn’t expecting you…”
“Yeah, not till later this morning,” he said quickly, hoping that the younger man would pick up on his line and follow. “But something came up and I had to come see you now to take care of the last of our business from last night. Something came up for me this afternoon, so I’m here early.”
The two men walked back to the desk and sat down to either side of it. The scarred man found it amusing to be on the customer side of the desk. The younger man inquired, “What’s going on?”
The scarred man replied, “Wild night last night.”
The younger man nodded.
“I know what you’re thinking here. And you’re right — you need to deal with things with Amy, and you need to do it today. Don’t put it off.”
“Ya know, it still surprises me sometimes, even after all these years.” He shook his head. “I messed up bad, didn’t I…”
“Yeah, but you also know what you need to do. What are you going to tell Amy?”
“I can’t tell her that I cheated on her. That would destroy her.”
“Even though she did it to you?”
“Yeah. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Still, she doesn’t need to know about me and Lily. I just need to end things with Amy.”
“Even if nothing happens with Lily going forward?”
“Even if nothing happens with Lily going forward.”
The younger man fiddled with the computer and printed some papers up. “Gotta make this look official or else the boss is gonna get suspicious. Just sign these and then I’ll shred them when she’s not looking.”
A few minutes later, the scarred man was back outside waiting for the bus when his younger self pulled up in his car. “Manager sent me home, she said I looked like death. You want a ride?” The older man hopped into the car and they took off down the road.
“So… what gives?” the younger man asked.
“Hmmmm? Oh, you mean, what am I doing here again? Well, I knew that you needed some help. So here I am. Gotta ask you — you up to driving up to meet with Amy today?”
The younger man nodded. “Yeah. I called her as soon as I got in the car. We’re gonna meet for lunch. I’m gonna have to drive up there.”
“Good. I’m proud of you. You can’t really make good on this, but you’re making it as good as you possibly can. Remember where we met when you got in after high school graduation, in front of the school? Can you drop me off there?”
“Sure.” There was a pregnant pause. “You know, my manager was right — if someone didn’t know better, they would think that you’re my dad or something. You’ve popped up in my life as far back as I can remember, even when I was a little kid. You haven’t aged a day, near as I can tell. So… what are you? Who are you really?”
The scarred man sighed and smiled. “You’ve still got questions, and I’m happy that you’ve trusted me all of this time. Just do me a favor and keep trusting me, OK? I promise that you’ll get your answers one day.”
The car stopped in front of the school and the scarred man stepped out of the vehicle. “Thanks for the ride, kid. Now go and do what you have to do.”
The younger man nodded. “You got it. See you around, OK?”
The scarred man smiled and closed the door, sending his younger self on his way to deal with his crashed relationship.
—————————————————————————————————————————
He hung his katana on the wall and turned to his desk. The last of the journals was there, and he had left it open to the last page. It was dated Sunday June 1, 2008:
So I broke up with Amy. I didn’t tell her about Lily and what had happened the night before. I don’t know what’s going to happen with Lily, if anything at all. But I do know that I am so relieved that I’m free. I’m relieved that Amy won’t be yelling at me and making me feel like crap about myself. I’m relieved that it is over with her and that I don’t have to drive all that way to see her every weekend. She never made the effort to come down to see me. She made me do all of the work and that still wasn’t enough for her. Well, now I don’t have to live up to her unrealistic expectations. It feels good to be free.
That had been the last entry in the book before he traveled back to May 31, 2008.
Now it was the penultimate, with one more added.
Sunday June 2, 2008
Mom asked me to leave an envelope in the back of this book for some reason. I don’t know why, but I can’t say “no” to my mom. Something tells me that it’s for him...
He flipped to the back of the book and found the envelope. He ripped it open to find a hand-written note from his mother.
“My son… how much do I love you. How I was thrilled to hear your voice. I know that you’ve come by the house before, for many years now, and even though I haven’t seen you, I’m sure that you are someone of whom I can be proud. Thank you for helping my boy — you — in times of struggle. You’ve been given a gift, and I trust that you’ve been using it well. Take care of yourself and know that I will always, always and forever love you, my son. Love, Mom.”
Turning back to the journal entry, he continued to read.
Also… I know who he is. I could see it in his eyes. I could see it on his face. I thought he was related to me somehow. Well, I wasn’t far off there… I know who he is. I don’t know how he finds me exactly, but I do know that I will see him again one day… years from now…
Fin.
Part 1: https://steemit.com/short-story/@phoenix32/journal-a-short-story-part-1
Part 2: https://steemit.com/short-story/@phoenix32/journal-a-short-story-part-2
Part 3: https://steemit.com/short-story/@phoenix32/journal-a-short-story-part-3
Part 4: https://steemit.com/short-story/@phoenix32/journal-a-short-story-part-4
