I’ve been hiding as of late. I admit it. It has not been easy to get up and get out to class, or even to prayer. Not that I don’t want to pray, nor that my faith has been shaken. But to keep smiling in the face of the next 5 weeks of my life…
Leaving the seminary is kind of a Big Deal.
Sadly, this is not a new thing for me. I have done this before, with some differences:
Last time — I chose to leave of my own accord.
This time — I am going on an involuntary sabbatical.
Last time — I was not going to return to that particular seminary under any circumstances.
This time — I will have opportunities in the future to return to this seminary.
Last time — There was no support in the seminary.
This time — There is a plethora of support in the seminary.
Last time — The diocese cared about me and let me know it.
This time — The diocese could not possibly care any less about me.
It is exhausting to not talk about this with anyone here, other than the faculty. I don’t want it to be widely known that I am leaving (so of course, I go and post it on the Internet, which is the most secure and private thing in the whole of the ‘Verse; but to my credit, no one here reads my blog…). There are days when I wake up and I want to cry at the astounding amount of effort that it takes to hold my tongue on a good number of things, both good and bad. It is just not the time for me to say what I think needs to be said to guys — such as the guy who cantors well but needs to sing from the diaphragm, or my lieutenant who really is ready (and has no choice) but to step up and fill my shoes, or my friend who just arrived and is admittedly a far better seminarian than I could ever hope to be (not comparing, per se, just noting that he is a really good man and I know where I currently am).
Yesterday was one of those days. I had 3 classes, spiritual direction, and a paper to do. I had no desire to get out of bed. So when I finally did rise from my bed, I sat in my chair and I just zoned out and napped and zoned out some more and napped even more.
I had nothing in me. And that has been happening more and more and more as of late. It is harder and harder to want to get up and do things. When I do have energy, it burns out very quickly. And it makes for difficult days sometimes, as I am forcing myself to get up and out of bed for important things, such as my Thursday apostolate. Thursdays really are the best — we get up and get out of the seminary and go out into the world: to a parish, to a school, to a nursing home, to a prison. We are each given an assignment for the academic year, and it is basically like an internship. I have missed it once or twice in the last couple of years, and I have to be really sick. I do not like to miss my Thursday assignment. It is usually a TON of work, and then the days can be long at times. One year, I was out of the seminary before 7am and back sometimes by 10pm. But the good news is that the pastor made sure that we were fed, that we had a break if we needed it, and he checked in on us as a matter of routine. These are the days that remind us why we are slogging through some of the academics, such as Philosophy. So I save my energy for Thursdays, because that is my jam.
But yesterday… Yesterday, I hid. I retreated and I slept and I hid. And I should be ashamed of that fact, but at this point, I just don’t give a damn. I have to retreat. I have done it in combat before, when sparring or actually fighting — sometimes, you need to get better footing.
So I woke up this morning, cranked out a paper that was (probably) a “C” but hey, that is still a passing mark, right? I made it to my first class, had a protein bar and a cup of coffee, and I can pretty much face the day at this point. I’m sitting in my second class, and I know that we have an event this evening and I am pretty much ready for that as well, I just have to actually show up.
So if you’re having a rough day, it’s OK… Stay in bed. Go back to sleep. Take your nap. Make sure you eat something. Do exactly what you need to do so that you can function tomorrow and the next day. Because when you’re rested, when you’re ready to get out there, you’ll be a gorram champion.
