The rain drummed heavily ontop of the car roof as I drove speedily like a mad man on the high way to the hospital. I glanced down at my pregnant wife, Nessa, who was seated beside me, holding her protruding belly with one hand and squeezing my arms with the other. Her knuckles we're almost white from squeezing it too much.
"Hold on dear, we're almost there, I said trying to reassure her.
Inside the hospital, the nurses quickly ushered her in to the delivery ward. I held her hands each step of the way. The sound of the beeping monitors and the smell of the antiseptic one of the nurses prepared, gave me a reality check. This was really happening. I was finally going to meet my little daughter. The sound of Nessa grunts and pains echoed through my ears as I tried to comfort her . The nurses said it wasn't time yet.
She gripped my shirt so tightly as she struggled through another contraction.
"Hold on dear" I tried comforting her.
She seemed so weak, I was almost afraid.
"Adrian, promise something" she spoke through the pain
"What is it?" I asked not liking where this was heading.
"Promise me, you'll choose her if anything happens " she said with a million emotions passing through her eyes
No" I shook my head, "Nothing is going to happen"
"Just promise me!" She spoke louder this time as she struggled with yet another contraction.
"You win some you lose some, if you ever have to make a choice, chose her, please" she said this time in a low voice, a small tear gathered around her eyes. I nodded, unable to say no.
The hours passed by so slowly, it killed me to see her in so much pain. She was getting weaker. Her blood pressure was high, the baby's heart beat was getting faint.
"Emergency C-section now!" One of the doctors shouted.
My fears we're coming to pass. I tried to get a grip on myself as I was ushered out of the room. But to no avail. I paced around the corridor like a mad man. I was loosing my mind.
I thought back to the moments back at home when we were decorating the baby's room. How Nessa laughed at me as I struggled to assemble the baby’s crib. It was the sweetest sound in the world. Or the endless nights I stayed up with her when she couldn't sleep arguing about the name to give our daughter.
I couldn't loose either of them, it would break me.
A nurse finally came out of the room
"Mr Adrian?"
"Yes, that's me" I quickly answered rushing towards her.
"The baby is safe and healthy. She is a strong one. She is in the ICU.
“And Nessa?” I asked with a trembling voice.
The nurse looked away, and hesitated for some seconds. And I felt my heart drop to my chest at that instant.
“We tried everything we could but she didn't make it” she said solemnly atlast.
I felt the world spin around me. I toned out after hearing those words, I didn't hear the rest. My knees felt weak, I collapsed on the nearest chair close to me, with my head in my hands. A small tear slipped through my eyes as the weight of her words sunk heavily on me. Why did death have to be so cruel, I thought bitterly.
As I sat there wallowing in my thoughts, a part of me desperately hoped, this was all some kind of prank and that she would somehow walk through that door, laughing at me with her soft voice, teasing me to no end like she often did. But that didn't happen.
Later, I was allowed into the ICU to see my daughter. I smiled for the first time that day, as I laid eyes on her. She was beautiful, a complete replica of her mother. I stood over the incubator watching her the steady rise and fall of her chest. she was small and fragile,
I leaned in closer, whispering her name, the one Nessa had chosen for her, Lilian.
“Your mom loved you so much that she gave you everything, including her life”. I spoke in a low voice.
In the weeks that followed, it was hard. Everywhere in the house reminded me of Nessa. Every corner I turned to, I would recall a memory of her. But as I held little Lilian in my hands, I remembered the promise I made.
“You win some, you lose some”
And Little Lilian here was the win that came from a loss I would forever carry.
