I always say I have nothing to say, but I have lots to say. Just nothing that matters and then I write a shitpost like this.
At this point it is a habit, and it seems that if I break "habit" people notice and I am no longer me. We are weird things, aren't we?
I adopt voices, manners and thought processes and if dealing with something or someone uninterrupted so to say these things all remain constant. I don't think this means I am not being me I am just being the "me" that suits the situation.
As much as I like to think I am in control of this I am not. I am not able to repeat the role I "play" because it is not scripted.
That must mean that it is real right? People change.
Personally I am not a fan of change, but I don't mind a change for the better. This usually seems to involve less rather than more. People leave and you lose things and in time I have tried to force the acceptance of less myself. That way I will not be concerned when it goes away.
It is odd to care about someone and not wish them to ever leave, to want them to be happy but at the same time knowing that it is better that they go away. It is only the thought that hurts so best not to think on it.
You can feel the same about yourself. This is not just some sickly idea from romanticism.
Thinking of the past and the future also hurts. Thinking about where you are, who you consider yourself to be and pondering tomorrow can leave you feeling hurt. The same hurt and dull ache as letting go.
The worst thing about this post is that by just writing it I have probably changed my mind on something, gained perspective on another and overall just changed.
So although it feels like I am going in circles I think it is a spiral and although I can't be sure whether it is tilting up or down I am pretty sure it is coming to a conclusion.
