Sometimes we choose impossible men so that we can validate just how lovable we are. We believe that if we can make him fall in love with us, then we know that we’re as desirable as our intuition tells us.
You’re right - you are as desirable and as lovable as you sense that you are. You should have heard that a million times from the men who mattered in your life. You certainly should have heard it from your father. You should have been raised to believe that you were completely and wholly loved by the God you were raised to believe in. And you should have heard and been shown over and over from the man you gave your heart to that you you are completely desirable and deserving of love.
I tried to get men to love me for more than a decade. I believed that everything in my life would finally work out if I could get a man to love me. My worth and value was attached to how men viewed me.
The feminine energy of a conscious woman is highly intoxicating to men. A man in relationship with you will prove this by what he does and says, but the question is - is he giving you an equal share in return, or is he being fed by your energy and avoiding the real work because he’s as full as he desires to be from you, but giving scraps in return?
So many of my clients have come to me attached to men who don’t have the ability to give the kind of love they deserve. Some are in relationships with married men. Some are in relationships with men who insist on an open relationship to help their partner demonstrate how consciously she has overcome jealousy. Most women have had or are in relationships with men who claim they are committed to growth, but their actions demonstrate the fact that they’re stuck.
There is no woman magical enough to change or unstick a man. The reason we try to save or change a man is to avoid the introspection and work we actually need to do on ourselves. When we become the most magnificent version of ourselves we don’t settle for men with ‘potential,’ we know our worth and are committed to the ideal of a magnificent man with just as much to give.
I’m such a pleaser at my core, but through experience and growth I’ve learned to have high standards, maintain my boundaries, say “No” to what doesn’t serve my greatest good and the result has been that I have the kind of relationship with my partner, my parents, my children and even my ex where I am treated with the dignity that I deserve.
The reason we hold on to hope, give up our ideals and lower our expectations is the wounds from our past. We all deserve love and dignity and until we experience it and are held to the high standards we should have for ourselves it’s easy to slip back and allow loneliness, self-doubt or fear to cloud our judgement. Making a permanent change and adopting a commitment to high standards requires support of our own.
Maybe now is the time to develop a deeper relationship with that family member or friend whose choices and relationships you respect and admire. Maybe there’s a mentor that you had at one point in life that it’s time to reconnect to. Maybe you can find the strength to finally keep the standards that you committed to at one point because you realize what you’re modelling to your children is not the choices that will serve their greatest good.
We’re not designed to do it alone. Everyone needs someone who sees the greatness in them, who holds space to work through the pain and regret of their past and is willing to be honest about the things in life that need to change to create magnificent relationships. Instead of making a man your priority, why not make yourself your priority?