I always believed jealousy to be natural - until life taught me that sometimes it's more of an obligation than a natural reaction.
When my girlfriend and I went out to party on the weekends she would regularly get upset with me when other guys approached her and I didn't intervene. I never had the urge to, unless the guy would brazenly touch her or stalk her in that weird way. And when she confronted me on it later I simply told her how I felt: "I trust you. Why do I need to get mad if some guy talks to you? You know I love you, and I would hope that you don't get jealous when a girl happens to talk to me randomly."
It seemed pretty self-evident - there may be a place for jealousy, but forcing it just to proclaim my love was just too weird. I have to jump through this hoop just to let you know I really love you? Come on!
I remember a large party I had at my apartment some time later. My girlfriend was there, and many of our friends from my close social circle and some from my wider circle. Some of us were hanging out in my room, listening to music, drinking beer, having a good time.
While one of my friends was talking to me I saw my girl got up and walked towards the hallway but suddenly stopped. I looked while still listening and something really novel happened: Another friend of mine was about to come into our room, they both faced each other there in the door... looked at each other for a short time... and kissed.
My first reaction was just utter surprisal and a grin, maybe she had had a little too much wine and confused something here. I thought it was funny, provoking some kind of eye roll from me and that I would lovingly slap her ass tonight for it ;)
The scene was over in seconds and it seemed rather natural in the way it happened, vs. them finally trying something they had 'planned' for a long time - it was nothing like that. It wasn't a big deal, especially because I made a somewhat sarcastic remark to him who also had a girlfriend at the time, and whom I trusted.
To me it was surprisingly non-jealousy invoking, just a little WTF moment. I was more proud or something... like: "Well dude, isn't she awesome? Too bad that's all you're ever getting ;)"
My friends sitting around me were the ones who made a big deal out of it, suddenly. The whole vibe had changed, everyone now focussed on the scene that had just come and gone. One girl said: "And you just sit here, looking at them? Didn't you see what they just did? If I were you I would kick his ass!"
Other friends weighed in: "Yeah man, she is your girl. How can you allow this to happen?"
And I noticed that suddenly I felt actually forced to defend myself, and my stance. I felt cornered, like in a criminal hearing.
Here was a situation that had cleared itself up and that would later be talked about to find out what actually happened there. But it seemed too short and casual to be something that would warrant me to kick out my friend before even having talked to both.
But no, my friends would not stop making a scene out of it, putting increasing pressure on me to "do something about it". Everybody forcing me to feel guilty or act in accordance to their totally "normal" expectations - as humans we really feel the pressure if it comes on by so many people around us, no matter if we think we are right or not.
It went on for like 10 minutes until I got so frustrated that I started to make a big deal out of it, even though I still felt nothing terrible had happened. But I was pissed now, trying to put all that energy somewhere as I understand the situation today. They had loaded me up with aggression.
And so I "interviewed" my girl and my friend separately, forcing this odd violent-jealous vibe on them, like a detective or a lawyer, trying to find some objectively incriminating statement or something like that to uncover their "hidden plan for adultery". It seemed ridiculous, but I felt obligated to punish this socially "inacceptable" behavior due to sheer social pressure.
Both were as drunk as me, both seemed to hardly remember the scene later at night, and both have told me authentically that it was some kind of weird spontaenous mishap they both just happened to fall for out of impulse. And that's how it looked to me as well.
But the realization that my attitude was wholly dependent not on the actual SCENE but on the societal pressure put on me afterwards... that was a gamechanger to my understanding of love relationships and "possessing a partner like an object".
I realized how my frustration came fully from fulfilling society's odd and arbitrary jealousy-obsession and not from me being actually hurt or in fear of losing my woman. None of us were sober anymore which seemed to be all the reason I needed to let this go.
So do we really have to create a problem when there is none? I guess so...
And while I quickly resolved the situation later (my friend apologized to me so greatly and my girl confessed her love to me endlessly, being somewhat happy that I finally got jealous about some other guy) I never quite recovered from how bad the energetic shift was when I found myself having to confront something I didn't deem an issue, but everybody else did.
Peer pressure can lead to many bad consequences if it is acted out on impulse. And sometimes, taking a deep breath and sticking to your own moral and intuitive compass can greatly help in preventing a misunderstanding from becoming a war-situation for the wrong reasons (often due to "good intentions").
My girl and I stayed together many years after that and were always faithful to one another. My friend and his girlfriend also stayed together for years after that - the scene really didn't matter at all for our relationships.
But the odd pressure of doing as everybody thinks should be done came as a shock to me, and the beginning of my questioning of established patterns about love and relationships probably started on that day.
My friends seemed so adamant about their advice to me, but none of them could give me a good reason for "punishing" my girl and my friend considering the circumstances. And it's amazing to see how forceful we can become in our actions when just enough of the people around us demand it from us, even friends.
Don't.
Think about it, let it settle down a bit, then find the appropriate action - if any.
It became clear to me that these issues are none of the others' business at all, we tend to socialize and gossip'ize such scenes endlessly and I really wish we could stay with our own affairs, and not give others this suppressingly well-intentioned advice until they submit to our will. If you must give well intentioned advice - keep it concise and don't harp on it. Let the couple figure it out. Please.
It's so easy to become an automatic tool for upholding society's standard assumptions and behavior patterns. Don't go that way if you feel they are not doing the situation justice.
The moment I started acting as the "hurt boyfriend" everything went downhill, and I could feel how I would simply pass my accumulated frustration about the societal pressure onto my girlfriend and the guy just to somehow "do the accepted thing". I felt... coerced.
These mind-programs have been put into place for a reason, and most people do not recognize them as programs but as an immutable law of nature or something like that. They're not - they are conditioned responses to provoke certain viewpoints in people. And while jealousy may come up naturally and may have its merit, there is little point in promoting itto others unless we can actually get a handle on what sexuality actually is and how it has been twisted before we all believed the now common narrative.
So in that spirit huge kisses to all of ya,
and to your life partners as well of course <3
Thanks for stopping by <3
