Dear CryptoDeaf, I'm 13 years old and deaf, I've made terrible grades throughout schooling so far and I just can't get good grades, I can't hear what my teachers have to say when teaching. It's just a regular public school here in San Francisco, California. What do I do? I'm going through speech therapy, and I don't know any ASL and I'm having to get by with paying mostly attention to just reading the books because I can't get anything from the teacher and lip reading is too big a pain for so long. I don't want to be a failure in life but it seems that's where things are going. I'm super depressed and often feel suicidal.
All jokes aside about getting the hell out of Commiefornia. What you're going through is called "Mainstreaming", basically a deaf kid being forced to go through public education as if you had normal hearing, and that's not a conducive environment for you. Your parents really should have put you through a charter school for the deaf and blind, as that's an adapted environment specifically for you. My mother also opted me out of cochlear implants as a child and forced me through public schools because she lacked the finances, but today there's no excuse as vouchers exist to put you through with an education that I couldn't get.
If you already knew ASL, you'd be able to demand an ASL interpreter to be there with you through all your classes to translate what's being spoken by the teacher into signs so you can pay attention to them to get your education. So what you could do, since you're still young, is to learn ASL on your own in your free time. I strongly recommend LifePrint. Don't worry, it's free. If you study ASL for at least 1 hour daily every weekday and 2 hours on Saturday, chilling out on Sunday, you can potentially become proficient with ASL in a few months, at least know it well enough to comprehend an interpreter even if you have to ask them to repeat certain things that are fingerspelled. Don't worry, you'll get used to rapid fingerspelling after a while so it'll become second nature. I still fingerspell slowly though since I don't need to portray information rapidly much of the time, as I am an oral deaf surrounded by the hearing.
I'm pretty sure your parents are also fully aware that you're deaf. It's also likely that they don't realize that there are specialized schools for our educational needs. Your first while in a proper school environment, you'll start off slow because they'll need to teach you ASL first (for the other readers, he's American, so yes, it's ASL. If he were British I'd say BSL or Aussie I'd say Auslan. I see these people's social media profiles.) After you learn ASL, though, you'll pick up on your education where you left off, for the most part. What's typical is the deaf student is first taught ASL, and to fingerspell, then they're taught to read and write in English. But you're already able to read and write in English and you're able to be oral, albeit slowly losing your deaf accent from speech therapy in your current situation which is a good and a bad thing for us.
Why is losing the deaf accent a bad thing? Oftentimes, people don't realize we're deaf when we can talk all prim and proper, otherwise they also believe we're lying when we inform them that we're deaf. I've had that accusation a few good times, as have other deafs. Take for example a video from an online friend below, sounds very proper. Her signing is BSL. Turn on closed captioning for yourself, the video is mostly for the hearing to comprehend better but the point still stands.
Your depression comes from seeing yourself as a failure and seeing a bleak future with poor educational obtainment and poor job prospects in your future, I know, I've been there before and attempted suicide 17 times before I was 18. When I was 18, I dropped out of high school and refused to go back. I simply said screw it and got my GED, I was proficient at mathematics enough to work on self studying and get a doctorate in physics, but that's not obtainable for everyone, nor does it help me too well with future job prospects myself.
Deafness is a blue book example of getting social security disability, and to be honest, while you're still in school, you can apply for it right now. It'll be beneficial for you to do it now than later. You're only get to end up with SSI payments which is roughly $750 monthly, but it's better than nothing and it's better than struggling to find work, and then keep work, let alone get promotions. For us deaf, it's hard to get work and it's even harder to get promotions and harder still to keep a job. Our deafness is seen as a disability that's Unreasonable to Accommodate, even with lip reading.
So your best solution I think would be to learn ASL regardless, start learning it on your own from LifePrint in your free time. Meanwhile ask your parents to send you to a charter school for the deaf and blind by using a government voucher. If they refuse, at least you're learning ASL on your own, when you're comfortable enough using it after a few months, demand (not request, DEMAND) your school via the school counselor to provide you with a regular ASL interpreter, it's your legal right to have one assigned to you for schooling (and working, but employers are assholes). Also get on social security disability so you can get SSI payments coming in so you don't have to worry about getting a job after school and when you're 18, just drop out.
Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't be telling someone to drop out of school as soon as possible, but in the case of a mainstreamed deaf, I can't stress dropping out enough. If by chance you're in a charter school for the deaf and blind, don't drop out, finish the education.
That's the best that I can provide you. Things get better once you're out on your own with disability payments coming in and out of school. Sorry you're going through mainstreaming, no deaf child should have to endure that kind of hell. The hearing and the Sighted both LOVE public schools, but those schools are a one size fits all approach and it just doesn't work because no two people are the same. Education needs adapted to the student's needs, and with a public school, the environment is adjusted for the majority, and as we're all well aware, the majority aren't deaf nor blind, so it kinda screws us royally.
They have special classes for the slow and retarded, but for some reason they don't have special classes for the deaf and the blind. Why this is? It's beyond me. But those special classes for the retarded and slow aren't always there either, I've seen instances in which there was a retarded student in the class along with everyone else. This was back when I was in my first year of kindergarten (and yes i failed it). The retarded kid failed too. So they put me and the retarded kid in a special class for the retarded, the retarded kid was kept but the special teacher realized I wasn't retarded, I was deaf and got sent back to regular classes.
I worked hard as hell just like you have through public education, much harder than any regular student had to, and I worked hard just to get straight D's. In Junior High, everyone thought I was going to be the next school shooter after Columbine because I was always quiet, stuck to myself and didn't hang out with any friends, I was always the loner, isolated. I just couldn't communicate well with others was all.
The feeling of depression and isolation is hard, especially in those younger years that you're currently experiencing, but I'm now over twice your age and I've learned a lot of things that could've been made better about my past, and I'm glad you reached out to me so I can share that knowledge with you to possibly improve your life, which is something that helps me tremendously with my own depression.
Though I don't feel as isolated anymore, I do feel lonely as most of my contact with others, even my own husband, revolves around text messages, IM's and emails and it just doesn't resolve the human contact needs we have. Which is why I'm correcting my hearing as soon as I can.
There's another reason I strongly recommended you to get on SSI as soon as you can. Medicare part A and B is all you need, go see a doctor, get a referral for a hearing specialist (an audiologist), who will confirm that you're deaf, and will then get you on your way to getting cochlear implants if you want to correct your hearing as best you can. For you and me, it'll sound robotic in nature without a doubt, though if you're like me and know what voices are meant to sound like, at least to some degree, as I was hard of hearing then deaf at 10, then you'll better adapt to the implants. And Medicare will pay for them (but not hearing aids).
Most insurances, especially Medicaid, the welfare insurance program for the poor, will pay for hearing aids for you so long as you're still below the age of 18 just an FYI on that point.
You have all kinds of options available to you, and you have a bright future, it's just shrouded behind a curtain of darkness that is your present situation. And if all else fails and your life just completely sucks like mine ended up being until my mid 20's, you at least will gain knowledge that can be passed down to other deafs and raise awareness of our needs so others don't end up suffering like you. Much like what I'm doing with the CryptoDeaf project here.
However, it's less likely you'll end up in my boat unless you refuse to take any sort of action. When I was your age, I didn't have websites like LifePrint, I didn't have YouTube videos with tutorials on ASL, I didn't have access to vouchers for charter schools for the deaf and blind, but you do have access to all these things, and you can use them to your benefit. I know things look bleak and hard right now, but at the worst, you only have to tough it out for 5 more years and get on disability, drop out of high school and live your life. And you have access to tons of dating sites too that'll benefit you as well in finding a life partner, as well as websites to help you find a roommate.
I used a Facebook group to find a roommate, best roomie I've ever had so far too. And my newest roomie that moved in is Hard of Hearing and completely understands my needs. I find myself every so often, almost daily so far, heading over to his room and knocking, waiting for his one knock "come in" in return to walk in and sit on the edge of his bed and enjoy myself a conversation with him. It keeps me from being lonely, kinda starved for that attention for so long, just to sit down and talk with someone, and he's aware of the fact that I eventually zone out from lip reading too, so he takes effort to notice when I'm zoning out and just let's me chill before we pick up conversation again.
So the last bit of advice I'll give you, seek out mixed environments of deaf and hard of hearing for meetups in your local area and avoid the grammar nazi cliques that form in every one of those groups, there's good people there, so don't let the assholes that are "better than thou" run you off. Even I run into them, and my personal opinion, if the group isn't going to run them off, then I'll just not bother until I can start my own group, which is forthcoming and is another option you have available if you can't stand them either.
The other option would be to make friends with people who are hard of hearing, they'll generally understand your needs and will work with you, generally speaking. They're at least more understanding and more patient because they've dealt with people sounding like they're mumbling. For some reason, "can you speak more clearly" translates to the hearing as "Speak louder" when really they are just wanting better enunciation, not screaming.
Feel free to message me back if you feel the need or urge to, or if you just want someone to talk to I'm fine with that as well. I know suicide feels like the better option right now because it's an easy out, but I've been down that path that you're on until it's conclusion, you have other paths that you can take that I didn't have and information available to you that wasn't available to me. So use it to try improving yourself and change your situation, if nothing else it'll at least make your future not so damned.
And you don't have to be some amazing CEO in order to not be a failure in life. You just have to be a good person and strive for what you believe in. I see in your profile that you really love art and you want to become an artist. What a better way than to have the time in your adult life to actually sit down and do art and hone your skill? Your drawings are fantastic even at the age of 13. I enjoy drawing myself and honestly I'm not even that damn good. You have a real skill, and you can hone that skill better in the path that I'm telling you about involving getting on SSI and finding a roommate you can get along with to split bills with.
You have so much talent and such a bright future ahead of you. I know you may very likely want to obtain work yourself at a regular job like everyone else, it's just a hell of a lot harder for us to accomplish this task. Trust me, I would prefer to have a job and work myself. However, the best would be if you personally started your own small business based on your talents and your passions and be your own boss, rather than working for someone else. It'll be easier than dealing with the crap we normally deal with in employment situations.
