And so it begins
I have decided to write my memoirs, the story of my story, whatever you call it. I don’t know what to call it but the desire to write this now is at its greatest and the encouragement I have had to write has not waned and so it begins.
This is not an easy task, (although once I start, this thought will change and it will become an easy process, after all its only writing, right). It’s also important to say up front that I am not actually a writer, nor especially a reader.
Also I like so many other people, have self-doubt but even as I write this, I know I have overcome self-doubt in other parts of my life, so as I get writing I’ll get over this too. I’m not going to let a stupid misplaced out dated belief stop me doing something that I know is important for my family, for me and for others.
So this is where I start at the beginning, acknowledging where I am, and not letting it stop me.
I have decided that regardless of myself, I do have something worth saying and I have been told over and over again that my story, my life is inspiring and that I should tell it.
In fact, it is in-spite of myself that I have actually transformed myself and I know from my own experience and from speaking with 100s and 100s of other people, through the work I used to do and my personal life, that transforming ourselves and our lives, does not come easy and is often very hard fought.
But it absolutely can be done. It absolutely can. I constantly tell people, there is nothing special about me. And before you say but we are all special unique wonderful, creations in that sense yes I get that, yes, I’m special but in terms of life circumstance, where I have come from, there really was nothing special about me.
I didn’t have a great childhood, I didn’t come from an educated or privileged back ground. I was actually raised in working class ignorance. As a child my mum was a cleaner and dad a mechanic. I didn’t have a great education, leaving school with an art A level and a string of unclassified o levels and gcses. I certainly didn’t have resources within me or in the world around me and consequently my life reflected all of that and I spent most of my adult life in poverty, misery and hardship.
The blessing was that I did have a great sense of dis-satisfaction and unhappiness most of my life, a sense of not being who I was meant to be, and a huge desire to change.
And I bloody well did, but I did way more than that, I transformed, every single aspect of my life situation and I continue to grow and develop myself at deeper and deeper transformational levels.
I had absolutely no idea that I would lead the life I now lead. I consider myself to be free. I live nomadically as an artist between the UK, Nepal and Thailand largely. I sold everything I owned most specifically my home of 28 years. I own 80 kilos of stuff in my base countries and I consider myself to be free.
I wake everyday grateful and amazed to be living a life most unexpected.
And it was not luck that got me here, yes I am lucky, but it was not lucky. There was no magical intervention, no fairy waving a wand and granting me all my wishes, no I actually had to work my arse off to get this, I had to be prepared to go to places most people have got the courage to go and to face shit they are not prepared to face but if you can, if you do, the rewards can be immense.
To transform my life;
I had to firstly learn new things.
There is a saying which I repeat frequently when discussing change with people, “If you keep doing the same thing, the same way, you will get the same results”. This statement had a huge impact upon me. It was clear to me that I only knew what I knew and for as long as I only had that quite meagre knowledge, I would only have the experience and life I was having.The only way to change was to learn new things, especially stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable, because being uncomfortable is a beautiful sign of change.
The second thing required for change is action.
Change is not theoretical, it is actual. You can read all the books, attend all the courses and seminars ever created but unless you actually apply the learning to your day to day life, I can guarantee you, nothing will change and you and your life will remain the same. When doing anything in life especially if its new or challenging its important to establish why you are doing it, what’s the reason, what is driving you and is going to keep you going when the shit gets hard and believe me, if the shit ain’t getting hard, you are not working hard enough.
This is not about setting goals, this is establishing why you want to change, do whatever it is you want to do, become a doctor, write a book, travel the world, divorce, whatever it is.
Change is not all fluffy and soft and joyful, no that come after you’ve changed. No, change can hurt, change can be painful, uncomfortable, scary. Real change will ask you to look at everything……yourself especially, your relationships, your habits, your work, your friends, your family, your community, your religion, your education, your past, your beliefs, everything. And that’s why so many people don’t change, because all of that is just too much for them to face.
You also need courage.
It’s actually quite easy to make improvements at all aspects of our lives. A tweak here, a tweak there and many of us that’s enough. But it never was for me. I constantly had a rock-hard scared, petrified sensation in the very core of my chest, knotted in dark anxiety and it just would not shift, no matter how many improvements I made, it was always one step forward, one step back, like this feeling anchored me somewhere, pulling me back and I knew no matter what I did that went I would not be happy until I faced it and resolved it.
To change, to truly change is not easy, if it were, we would all be leading our perfect lives. But we are not. Most of us are terribly afraid, afraid of our sadness, regrets, fears, shames, guilt, embarrassment. We are afraid of our pasts, our presents and for our futures. We are afraid of our truths, our lies, our relatives, our loved ones, especially our parents and of ourselves. To change you will at some point you will need to go deep and dark. Inside you is the truth. Very, very deeply you know what it is, it may be hard to admit, to acknowledge but it’s there, it always has been and truly it keeps you the way you are, unhappy, dissatisfied, sad, alone, whatever. For some of you, it is no secret, you know what it is, and so does everyone else as you continually live openly with your pain. And at some point that will need to be addressed. If you can find the courage to go to your darkest place, face it, learn from it, see it in a different way, forgive and heal, you will transform yourself at your very core.
And finally you will have to let go of who you think you are.
Your identity is based on everything about you. Your friends, family, the clothes you wear, body shape, home, community, work, religion, faith, the music you like, the drugs you do, your habits, beliefs, all of it. It is all at risk when you chose to truly change. We are addicted to ourselves. Even if you are as miserable as sin, in unbearable emotional pain, you are addicted to it. It serves you beautifully, it gives you everything you think you need while you carry what you carry with in you.
This is why often it is when we are pushed to our absolute breaking point that something snaps and we say no more!!! I’ve had enough!! A breakdown, a sudden death, an accident, a life changing experience, it seems we need to be taking right to the point of no return to realise that actually our life as it is, is intolerable. I believe for most of us, yes it’s bad but honestly it isnt bad enough as we live mediocre mundane live of tolerable dissatisfaction, stress being accepted as normal. But when you truly change all of that is put into question. Your ego is a very powerful thing and it will do everything it can to protect itself from destruction and when you choose to change you are effectively destroying yourself to be able to create a new self.
So why am I writing this. I’m not even sure if this is a memoir, but I think it is. It doesn’t really matter what I call It. It is a true story about my first life, how I became who I was and then a recollection of things I did and didn’t do to get me to my second life. Its both a story and I hope a personal development book, full of lessons and activities for you to do as you travel on your journey to change.
I am writing this to share
I would not be where I am, had others before me not shared their insights on life, love and everything. There’s not much in the world that actually is new or unique. Most of its been said before, by people far wiser and more successful than me. A lot of it is often ancient knowledge repackaged and represented especially when it comes to personal development and change. Different writers have different language and styles and these will appeal to different types of people. Me, I like my arse to be kicked. I found that airy fairy, softy, esoteric personal development was not for me. In fact I found it kept me in my problems as it is very addictive and nice when people praise you for being stuck, for having problems, for trying to change.
Don’t misunderstand me, I do believe that gentleness has a place, no doubt but I think that when we are really stuck, really scared, sometimes we do need a massive kick, hard and direct, done with real love but with the intention of getting that ball of change rolling and keeping that momentum going until change has occurred. Once you’ve over-come the big issue in your life, then you can begin to be gentle but I personally absolutely know that if I had not been very hard on myself I would not have changed and I gained most for the trainings, teachings and coaching which was direct, challenging and in my face. So please be aware, I can get a bit tough when speaking about change. As I write this to you, I am now in a phase in my life where I no longer have to kick my own arse to change and am now being more gently to myself because I finally can. But I had to change first.
To not share how I changed would be a waste. I hope to share exercises and activities I completed to help me learn about myself. I will share knowledge that gave me insights into the way I thought and techniques that I applied to help me change how I thought about myself. I will share stuff that I didn’t like and that didn’t work for me, because awe are all different and just because it didn’t work for me doesn’t mean it wont work for you. I will share the books I read and the insights I personally gained from those books and actively encourage you to read them to. I will share my journey to change.
I am also a mum and grandmother and I am writing this for my children, so that there is a record of my life, our family and what I did and why I did it. I am not the mother my children had. The woman I was when I was younger was a damaged, broken and fearful human being and these are not qualities that foster great mothering skills, but I am still their mum and for as long as I am alive it is my goal, dream intention to put right the mistakes I made, to repair the damage done and to end generational dysfunction if at all possible. As I said earlier when you truly change everything is at risk. I can only imagine how I would feel if my mum radically changed herself and her life situation, and it would be a head fuck and would have huge implications on my own sense of self. My family are coming to terms with how I am now, just as I still am. I don’t know if they will get full understanding during my life-time so I am writing this as an explanation, so that if they have questions and I am not around to answer them, then there is some record. I have no fear of death and prepare myself for it daily in meditation and in how I live, knowing any moment could be the last and so each moment is to be recognised, valued and enjoyed. I have learnt that if you transform it does have a huge impact on those closest to you. I didn’t fully realise that at the time but I do now and if you transform you must take responsibility for and support those closest to you as they come to terms with who you have become, that is if you don’t want to loose them.
So who is this book for?
It’s for ordinary people. I don’t really know how else to describe you. I think a lot of you will be women, but I do hope men find it of interest and of use. It will probably be of most interest to people over 40 years old but not exclusively. It is definitely for any-one who is feeling, well a bit shit really. It is for people who really do want to change and you are probably already despite their efforts still feel the same as they always have. I sincerely hope something in this will help you. I found during my learning and training and lesson sometimes it only takes one small thing to take you in an utterly different direction. A lesson I remember from a course I attended was that if you are travelling in a direction with a compass, and you veer of course by just 1 degree, the distance as you continue to travel will be massive from your intended destination…..just 1 degree, doesn’t seem like much does it, but over time, it is, it really is.
As I also said this book is very much for my family and for them to know that all the weird unexpected strange things i have done in the last nearly 7 years have been as much for them as for me and they have never been far from my thoughts and actions.
