The paragraph of the day that always discusses my story that leads to the vast garden of heaven, is now only a small sentence fragments so tiny weave the entire trail.
Listiani's smile only becomes rusty if I remember the can I want to throw all the nostalgia to the bottom of the ocean so that the current goes away until I don't know it or put it in my bag to open it when it's all over with the reaper.
A pair of crows had been waiting on the roof of my house to preach about death in every corner and space.
In less than a year I wrote with him the alphabet or sentence in a light which I kept and closed tightly without folding so that no one knew, but now scattered like dust in the wind in the desert and wet with tears instead of laughter even though the mega story has ended up at the place of waiting . All the feelings about love that I have are taken away and taken by force from the body and soul.
Yesterday I had tried to ask for her hand, my intention that there were no other hands to caress was it wrong ?. But, what I hope is not as easy as carving in clay and burning paper to ash, I don't want my proposal even though Listiani has guaranteed her father to agree. Happiness is unparalleled to welcome the army of children the hope of returning home from Listiani was destroyed until I did not know what had become naive together with a dark cup of kahwa that night, since that night my space was narrow as if I could not spoil the word on a paper face.
In the morning I met Listiani in the school cafeteria during recess because I was curious about the ministry that night. That morning the face was so fresh scented with roses. I invited him to talk that I started with a mere lip service, then slowly try to conclude so that it was quickly clear not only virtual.
"Maybe I'm wrong, I have fantasized about becoming a priest and being a Gajah Mada figure in your life, but please don't forbid me to be a connoisseur of your steps." I said as I threw my gaze to the sky, staring miserably because I felt that in my eyes I was nothing more than rubbish.
"You don't need to ask, actually I really want you to be my priest not a connoisseur of my steps. But I could not do anything even though I rebelled it only became useless because Abah never ignored me last night ". Said Listiani while forcing my eyes to look at her eyes beautifully. "Abah still wants me to continue my schooling and not rush my fiancee." Connect Listiani.
"Lis, this is all my fault, sorry I was too hasty".
"Not Far," Reject Listiani while reaching and then holding my hand tightly as if she wants me to know about what she has felt. The beautiful narrow eyes narrowed nicely to ask me to understand, out there the busy current continues to flow smoothly without any obstacles but not in my heart as well as in the hearts of Listiani who are increasingly inclined to injury.
"I want our relationship to remain the same as before, I beg you to assume that this is all just a small wave that would not be able to topple the ark of our love." Asked Listiani in a soft tone like the breeze that blew the trees that morning. His hands were tighter and more tightly they were clasping my hands to share an endless love once in a while his eyes began to shed holy grains which swept his soft cheeks wet.
"I will do it all as long as I can, but is it possible that we will be free if your Abah becomes more powerful to colonize us with the postulates that he considers sacred". I said firmly so that her beautiful face would stop spaying the smiles I wished I had spread that morning. Listiani's smiling face strongly entrusts an obligation that I must fulfill so that it is no longer fixed by wounds and I must also dare to step over the words of Listiani.
Break time is over, we immediately walked to the class, the sound of the bell rumbling, asking me to immediately go to homework about the upcoming trip, I still carry the story. In my eagerness and anxiety, Listiani's words wrapped my body with deep trust along with a big question that was difficult to resolve, but that was an obligation that I had to complete.
Indeed, H. Atlawi Abah Listiani has rejected my proposal on the basis of a thousand reasons that do not make sense to me that may not be for him (H. Alawi). I still keep in touch as usual (hiding it from H. Alawi) because I still cannot replace Listiani's smile with another smile even though many have been swift to tease. I still intend to dismantle the harsh hatred of Listiani as hard as the Chinese wall, becoming a flower vapor. I always leaned and mingled with my prayers and endeavors hoping for Arrohman's pleasure so that Listiani in my arms would not only be in cyberspace. Even though I have to buy it at a great price as long as Listiani can be risked I will.
Hari flash yellowish red color in the west end of the road. I sat lamenting, pondering and sharpening the chunks along with the splinters that had invited Listiani to write a poem on the path I sent through the evening samirana. I still bring the rest of the imagination collection to meet a small slum across the ocean so that it is no longer considered a loser. I was grateful, because of H.Atlawi's rejection of my proposal, my enthusiasm had become increasingly burning to become a Listiani priest and also since that incident, Listiani had also made faces full of longing without lies, even though what happened that night was very unexpected. I'm always sure that the second chance will come even if it's not as comfortable as the first chance. So far H. Astawi still does not know the movements of my journey in the sea of hearts of his son Listiani. My hay roofs are getting stronger and stronger, and so is Listiani, but who knows how long this will all be hidden from the knowledge of H.Atlawi, this is something that I still don't understand, but what is clear is still God's secret. After the midday prayer my younger cousin gave me a paper written to JA'FAR in the left corner, a curious creature who dwelt in my brain file jumping up and down asking for the heart to immediately find out.
"Brother, there is a deposit from Listiani, he left this letter, he said because he was afraid of torturing Mr. Ja'far's heart deeper, I was confused, why did he talk like that. Does Ja'far have a problem with Listiani? " Latifa asked.
"Not. torture me ?, what does that mean. When will he come here? ”I asked Latifa.
"Earlier when the time for prayer again mas." Latifa answered who then moved away from my face because she was called by my umma. I held the letter but I didn't read it right away because I was still rained and soaked by Listiani's words that made me wonder. For the sake of burying curiosity that is increasingly jumping around and continuing to rebel, I open the letter I hope that the curiosity that swells quickly, that afternoon there was not the slightest lure.
To: Ja'far (my Imam)
In: peace there
Peace be upon you, and Allah mercy and blessings.
Sorry I can only leave this letter to Latifa and can't see you directly, it's not that I don't want to see Far, but, because I'm not strong enough to hold all this. You can blame me, you can call me a liar and call me a liar after you know this problem, I really find it hard to say all of this but I can't keep it from becoming a fossil of eternal pain.
Honestly I actually do not want this to happen, Abah without my knowledge has received a proposal shokib. Far, here I can only accept even if it's heavy. You might not believe that in your heart only your name decorates and gives heaven its color.
Abah also knows our relationship, he also asked me to stay away from you. To the extent that I was solemnly sworn by him to not get in touch with you anymore.
I want in your heart there is still a sense and intention to become a priest in my life. This is all from me, please forgive me.
Latansani ...!
Wassalamualaikum wr. wb.
Dairku: Listiani
Why is it like this? Is it possible that Listiani has been playing with all this time by pretending to love me but if that's why she wants to write such a long history with me. Or does he just make me an outlet? Oh, no, I'm sure he must really sincerely love me. I find it hard to believe that the contents of the Listiani letter are a disaster for my soul that I worry about all this time. I feel that an unreasonable explanation has been set forth by Listiani, which may have been adopted from his words. Abah Listiani hates me so much. I really do not understand the attitude of H. Astawi, he refused my proposal a month ago but now openly set out to match Christian with his own choice. Imperceptibly after reading a letter from Listiani my tears were not that I could not be strong but I could not imagine it all. Preparation of a heavy goal it feels, I can not compensate for the reality by just puffing out my chest, I like living in a vacuum filled with air constantly pressing.
After I finished reading the letter from Listiani, I immediately called Listiani because I wanted to ask for a clear explanation from him.
"Lis, apparently I was not meant to be your priest, even though I tried to be strong through this story, I still could not".
"Don't talk like that Far, I'm really sorry that I can't do anything, except to be sure that you will be my priest. All this is not what I want" Said Listiani accompanied by crying from behind the telephone.
"I beg you not to cry, I know this is not what you want, and you should know that your father has found the best choice for you, honestly I will not forbid you to belong to someone else even though it is very steep for me to do".
"No Far, not Abah who will undergo all this but I, I'm Far ... !. I can't do this and the best for me is you ”.
"Yes for you, but not for your Abah". Suddenly Listiani hung up on me, she was angry at my last words. This heart hurts when you hear its soft voice because it reminds me of a happy story. I sent a short message conveying my apologies so that he did not misunderstand my words. I realized more and more if the scenario of God could not be easily guessed and understood only verbally.
Listiani had vowed to me that she would keep the shack I had built in her heart, and would not let anyone including shokib enter and tear apart the holy shack in her heart. But in the next episode everything was different I don't know why just five days after Listiani called me the tone and color of her face towards me increasingly formed a distance that seemed like I shouldn't go through and I thought she thought I was a stranger. Every time I ask him why, he replied, "I'm fine". Anxiety about the existence of a hut in Listiani's heart that I had built last November 13th was still peaking and it would not be long before I fell, I was still confused about what to do if I remember my story was always moist and muddy with wounds.
The more day Listiani grew accustomed to the arrival of Shokib in his heart, the more he was thrown into the valley of misery. Every time he looked into his eyes increasingly wry even he forgot his vows I do not know because of what factors he can change so fast, he also never bothered if I was increasingly drowned by wounds. Actually I want to be free from all that, but I can't because he still traps my heart in his mind even though he is not aware of it. I find it hard to erase the traces that are still imprinted in my heart chamber. Now I can only pray for him to be able to perfectly love Shokib, his fiancée. I tried to stay away and buried deeply to become a priest in his life not because I was desperate but because it was too impossible for me. I hope that the wound that I feel is not the more he left me at the fold of the yard yesterday and I turn a new page with the prayer of a young dawn's face. Although I have to be patient to wait for the coming season, not to wait for what has become an inscription on the path of my journey.
Maybe now Listiani will not feel about what I have felt. He also thinks I betrayed him because I was away from him. Even though I didn't do it but he himself, I think he ran away from a responsibility that I had to carry. How can I do it all if he already does not think I exist. Two moles that decorate the skin langsat on his face is difficult I exchange with a beautiful color of the Ferris wheel, but what can I do !.
The End