I was reading a book today, where the character was doing a self assessment, and at a point, she said 'I think my problem is because I was 20 at 16'. Here, I shut the book, and decided to step out of where I was at. I needed to touch some grass because it was hitting too close to everything I've been experiencing these days.
I took a walk around my environment and pondered on why I am going through everything I'm going through. Was it because I already outlived my current age, and the universe is trying to get me back on track, by eschewing me away from everything that has to do with peace? I'm not one to tell people how I really feel within. I endure it all, with the belief that things will most definitely work out in the end like they usually do so analysing my recent experiences, it was odd to see that I'd let myself be weighed down by my own thoughts for this long a time.
My problem these days doesn't even have to do with people and I'm grateful for that. It's with my mind. I've been trying to get my mind set rightly. To not let myself be distracted by the numerous distractions that surround me. To let me be focused on that which I have set my sights upon and not let so many things get to me the way they do. But it's proving so hard. I find myself falling back into that state of mind I'm trying to pull away from.
It's funny everytime I think about how much I looked forward to being my current age. I imagined being so free to do everything I wanted to do, and being happy. I imagined freedom equalling happiness. Now, I realized that I being free doesn't always equal happiness. Happiness is something you allow yourself be.
I cried myself to sleep last night. Turned up to work today, with my face all gloomy. And you know what? I don't know why I cried. Something in my mind tells me it's because I've bottled up so many things, they all had to find a way to let themselves out. Or maybe it's because I held on to too many things. I don't know. One thing is certain, I have never felt this lack of happiness so deeply before.
And no, I'm not depressed. I'm just tired of whatever is happening to me at this time. After my walk, I decided to watch a movie. I watched this movie and everything it said to me was 'live'. Life isn't only about survival. It's eighty percent living and twenty percent survival. And so, I've decided to let go of all the weights, of all the struggles of survival. To do everything but allow myself wallow in sadness. I'd cry when it gets too tough? Yes but after it, I'll wipe my tears and continue.
Life is too short to spend, crying on things I don't have, and may never even have. Rather, I've chosen to live it and spend every moment, grateful for everything. Let myself live and savour every moment. Be grateful for the wins and the losses, the pains and the pleasures, the joys and the sorrows. Be grateful for it all.
I'm not really the best person when it comes to giving advice but to those who are younger than me, on this space, live your life. If you're 16, let yourself be 16. Don't let your teenage fantasies drive you to doing things you're not meant to. Don't let society let you think you're being childish because things that are happening to others aren't happening to you. If you outlive your age, the universe would definitely find a way to slow you down. It would definitely make sure you come back to living your age at a point in your life. So, be content with everything you have now. You'd have ample time for so many other things later.
Thanks for reading.
Images are mine.
