I spent my whole life waiting.
Waiting to grow up.Waiting to finish school. Waiting to pass my exam. Waiting to get a degree. Waiting for an empty seat on the bus so I could sit.Waiting for Thursdays.Waiting for a flight to take me away.Waiting for papers to be done. Waiting for healing.
Waiting for summer to start again.
Waiting for autumn to put me back down.
Waiting for winter and December so I can touch the old wounds one more time and make them bleed more than they were bleeding at the moment of creation.
And then, waiting for spring to smell those blooming Middlemist's red camellias.
That defeating knowledge that I'm waiting for the beginning of life..bring me the thought of passing through life just like a soulless walking body.Not trying it, not fighting, not living it.
Good for everyone but not for myself.
And then the Wolf was born.
I don't know when she came. Was it sunrise when she came into my veins and my brain? Was it in that crying night of a full moon, between my four walls? Was it when I got knives in my back from the people I loved or maybe while I was fighting the weak ones who wanted to possess me, my thoughts, my mind, my time?
Sometimes I'm deceiving an illusion of a Wolf, the one who could understand, who would be brave enough for howling to the Moon, to fight the beasts in the daylight and him who would heal my wounds in the night.He who knows how to take care of a family.He who would not be afraid of letting me be by his side.So close that he could feel my warm breath on his cold skin while holding me in his hands. An illusion is short. Soon I see that cowardice that is laying in between.
Wolves have dignity. Their manner is to kill so that they feed or defend themselves. But there is much more.
I have learned to take care of myself. That's why I became severe.
In this world, I'm the one you can't handle.The one you describe as too complicated just because my secrets won’t be available for you. The one that you talk about. The one whose steps you always try to trace, but no matter how much effort you put, I’m always few steps ahead of the game. I know how to be unforgettable. I learned how to get under that sensitive skin. I'm major in coming into your mind. Into your dreams. Whenever I want. I go away very easily when I see that there is no any worth to stay. But when I see a little dose of respect and glance in something, I don't give up that easily. I’m stubborn as hell. Sometimes I see myself connecting more than it is acceptable and I let my expectations disappoint me. But I learn something every single time.
I'm watching you like a wolf in sheep's skin. I don't want to speak. I don't start conversations.I'm not interested in their empty stories, nor in attempts to conquer me. They are all the same with the thought they are special.But unfortunately, all special in the same way.
Without any mistake, I can predict every thought every gesture, every move.
For them, I’m just another barbie doll, a blonde little girl who has never felt pain. I give them a hint so that they can think that they can have me.A perfect system which defends me. If only you could catch sight of the world around you, you would see that every system is made of secret rules and orders. People have always loved something mysterious and dark. The curiosity is in their bones but they are never able to handle the dark side of the moon.
I choose the ones I let to get to know me. Others just pass by my side if they have any luck.
I’m the one with bad blood running through my veins. Descendant of an ancient knight and one of the witches that has been executed in Salem. Or maybe daughter of a soldier and wild woman who never wanted to be tamed but she fell in love anyway.
An Opposites within me. Black. White. Yin-yang.
Hot as hell. Cold as ice. Frozen fire.
You can’t understand me.I’m not like you.I don’t belong to your world.
And you will never feel my curse.
This enormous strength I have. That desirable need to bite if I’m attacked, the hunger I have never managed to satisfy and this wild freedom I’m searching since they’ve locked me up.You will never understand what it feels like to feel this heat, this storms, this thunders, this waves. You won’t be able to see every little detail.Every movement. Every emotion. You will not understand why I have to check things more than twice and why I do not give my soul and trust easily.
They say that once you sense your wolf, you won't be able to lay down with a dog.
I'm walking in this world, searching for my pack hoping I will, finally, return home.
To my family.
To my true self.