"Would you bring us another round please?", I asked the kind young lady behind the bar. It was Saturday evening, things had fully opened up again and that called for a celebration. "Where are those drinks mate, we're kinda thirsty ere." Bob, could never get enough, it was like he had a steel pipe down his throat and just poored it in at one go. Put my index finger up to him, signalling to just wait a minute. "Guess he's not your Double D then is he?", her green eyes looked like they almost lit up when she said that as she served the plateau filled with beer glasses and gave a smile to match. "Who? Bob? No, his man boobs are not as near as big as Dave's, but I would not call them Double D either though, cup C at the most." She started to laugh out loud and as she moved to another customer shouted: "Then I guess you're not the designated driver either love, just tell me when you want me to call you a cab, a'ight!"
Damned, not everything is about boobs Coop! Guess I made a real arse of myself there. Gave each of me mates their drink and sat down at our table again. And when I looked back at the bar I saw how she talked to her collegue and then pointed at me laughing. The other young lady also seemed to think it was funny, or so it appeared. She slightly shook her head while she looked at me. Well, not at my face it was. And yes, guys of my ripening age tend to develop men boobs. For fuck sake woman, stop laughing already, mine are cup A, tops. Suddenly I felt old and knew I needed at least two more drinks to get passed this.
"Oi, memba when we's young, back innem deez, what moped did ya'll hef.", when Dave was near to getting blootered he became ever so hard to understand. He once explained that was because his tongue would swell up whenever he drank alcohol. That did not stop him from drinking though, not at all. When somebody once pointed out to his rather big men boobs he stated that it was the beer. According to him there were female hormones in them, done so on purpose, he claimed. He said he did not mind though, did not stop him from drinking, guess nothing would. The guy who asked him about his boobs once did not appreciate him being invited to touch them. "Go on then, they feel evva so real, here try it, close yer eyes first and forget the chest hair." Dude made that he got away fast. Dave rose his shoulders as if it was not odd at all, lowered his shirt again and drank his whisky in one go. He's funny that way.
"Moped aye, well I sure remember my first one!", said Donald as he signalled at the bar to bring us another round of the same. "Honda MT, off the road bike, man that thing would go, like a rocket." Then Dave turned to me and asked: "H'aboot ya then Coop?" Seemed like his tongue had been swollen up really well already. He once showed us how crazy long it was, like the length that only Gene Simmons of the rockband Kiss could match. Dave then bragged about him being liked very much by the other gender. "C'mon Coop, or d'ya nit sayt?", and he slapped me on my back. Great, just while I drank my beer, wet pants in the crotch area. And at that moment the young dame came over to bring us our next round of drinks. "Are ya so scared of me that you wet your pants, mister Double D, or are you like a young puppy, peeing happy to see me?", now that was going to stick to me for all the rest of our pub visits, for ever.
"Come on Double D, was it not some Italian brand?", Yep, it already had stuck to me, like dogshait to my hiking shoes. The ever so 'kind' misses was still standing next to me laughing and messed with my hair. Like she was petting a dog. And then all of a sudden kissed me lightly on the cheek: "Hahaha, just messin witya, you're not angry with me now, are ya?" And while my mates were laughing their asses off I just shook my head gently from side to side. Her hand was shortly on my shoulder softly squeezing, then she walked back to the bar and gave me a wink. Hm, okay, I never got that kind of thing, always made the wrong move, at the wrong time. Guess I'll just let this one pass me by. Been out off the game for far too long, the divorce seemed like ages ago, never really tried again. Why on earth would a young beautiful woman like her be interested in an older man with boobs anyway.
"Vespa, yeah it was a bloody fucking Vespa and it was slow as thick shit in a funnel. Next subject please?" Not really manly, although the Italian men are known to be Casanova's, or was that the Spannish? But the waitress would be bitch slapping me again if she heard I once drove a freaking Vespa moped. No more Coop, but Double D and his little green Vespa. Luckily the attention was now moved to Dave by Bob asking him what moped he drove when he was a teenager. And as Dave had been drinking whisky like I drank beer I guessed his tongue must have been filling up his whole mouth by now. Wonder if we still would be able to understand him.
"I'ze roood YA MA HA!", as that came out of his tongue clogged mouth, very loudly, the music had just paused before the next one was supposed to follow. The whole pub was covered in silence. Now did I just hear Dave make a rude remark about Bob his mother!? Bob stood up like a raging bull and shouted: "YOU SAY WHAT...!?" Then Dave made it even worse by performing something that looked like he was actually talking about banging Bob's mother. "ANG ANG ANG, YA MA HA, YEAH!" And then he smacked his own bottom, like he was riding a horse. Yep, Dave making these guestures and making those noises did not really calm Bob down. Did my best to keep him away from Dave, as he sure was about to crush his skull, if he got the chance.
The music had stopped and the whole pub was watching us. And while Dave was cleary drunk as a skunk, still enjoying his weird 'riding' performance, all the lights turned on in the pub. The teasing bartender rushed to our table and stood in front of Bob, who was still ready to take it outside with Dave. "Hey you dumb ass, he is explaining in his own weird drunk way that he drove a Japanese moped brand, a Yamaha, now calm the fuck down!" Wow, I was impressed, now she had a pair of balls there, not many were able to calm down an exploding Bob. He actually started to laugh though and said to Dave: "Sorry me mucker, really thought there for a moment you said you banged my Mum!"
Things calmed down again quickly and everybody was preparing to go home. Donald, Bob and Dave shared a cab and I was about to go home on foot. "Need a designated driver perhaps, mister Double D?", there she was again, the teasing pub lady. "The name is Coop, actually, and I'm gonna walk home, thank you." She then smiled mysteriously and said: "Nice to meet you Coop. Hey do you want to come over to my place and see if I've got some cup A for you to try on?" Well there had been days in the past, long ago, when I might have said yes. But now, nah, had to get up very early in the morning. And I was too blootered anyway to get things even started down there.
"Thank you, maybe next time. You know you have a weird way of flirting and in a kind of strange way I like it, but I really need to hit the sack." She still wanted to exchange numbers to my surprise though. And her French style good night kiss almost knocked my socks off. But I really had to go and as I walked home I laughed a couple of times out loud thinking back about the most crazy happening of that night.
Moped
Artwork by me.
