Yesterday my whole life came crashing down. I gave up the most important thing in my life. I have long feared this day would come but I had hopes that it would not but here we are--
--At ground zero, everything seems painfully familiar. I never thought I would be at this point again. All my plans are gone. Now I have to start all over again. The thought of this nauseates me.
I have been trying to figure out how I plan to navigate through life again, now that a lot has changed. I am in a place of great uncertainty, however, my only anchor right now is God.
If there is anything I am certain about it is that I have given my whole. I have been patient and done my personal best in this situation. At this point, I don't think there is anyone to blame. It was just the wrong fix.
All I can do right now is pour out my heart and soul into the remaining things I have--my family and my life. I don't care so much about myself, so I am just going to build my life around my family.
I don't want to be resentful or rigid. I will open my heart to the possibility of other experiences. But what I have promised myself is never to go search or entertain the flimsy lure without critically weighing my options. I can't continue to build my house on sand.
Still trying to figure out what lessons are there to learn from this whole situation. I don't think there is much I would have done differently. So it's either I am wrong or this whole situation was a disaster waiting to happen.
I think I played myself because the signs were there. I thought I could alter nature and basic psychology through rationality but now it is quite evident that these things are strong determinants. It would take more than just logic to solve and a genuine willingness to change.
The last time something like this happened I had hit rock bottom and it messed with me completely. This was followed by a series of traumatic events that almost ruined my life.
So I am grateful to have been in a good place ever since then, even though it was short lived. Hopefully, that will give me the strength to live through this period of my life.
My only request is that God sees me through these challenging times, so I don't make any more rash decisions. I don't want to ruin my life over just one, even though it was everything at some point.
I embrace this new chapter of my life… I want to believe something positive will come out of this unfortunate circumstance. No one has the monopoly on happiness (not even me). Cheers!
