THINK
I tell to myself.
"What have we become?"
Solitude's new to me. Keeping myself hyped up over overwhelming positive or negative emotions. Emotion has taken the reigns of most aspects of my life.
I began to ponder why. As the days went by with loneliness' embrace. Why does it seem that I lost more? Why does it seem I cannot grasp myself? Where even am I right now?
"What have we become?"
THINK. Endure it, even if it makes your stomach churn, even if splits your mind, and even if it makes you scream. Slapping people with the truth is something you've always done. This time, do it to yourself.
Grit. Your. Teeth.
I stare at my hands resting on my keyboard. For a moment, I glanced at the girl lying on my bed. I thought I'd just scrap this and lie down beside her again. Quick in running away as always.
THINK. My heart starts to feel heavy again. I know... I know! Nmore. I know you know already. You have to write it down. Accept it. Own it.
I place my hand over my chest, and tapped it slowly several times, "All is well".
Take a few deep breaths, and one by one we'll write down the things we've lost.
Patience-- I've run out but have yet to give. A person wasting time yet knows that she's running out of it. Seeking answers immediately. Temporary makes me impatient. A strong force of wanting to know yet unaware of the reason why. I just want to. For what?
Listening-- with both ears closed. I was a good friend because I listened. I was a great partner because I listened. Aside from listening, I understood. But some time later I got tired of listening and did the talking. This resulted in narcissism.
| Caring about people is about being patient and listening to them. I lost both of these when I started thinking only about myself. I thought about myself more. I wanted to minimize the pain I felt. Before I was hurt, I cut people off and stopped listening. I was no longer patient with anyone, especially myself. The funny thing is I don't even listen to myself anymore. I can't even hear myself telling me to stop and when I do it's already too late. I guess I stopped caring for myself and others. |
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I don't want to continue being like this. I want to be able to listen more than I speak. I want to hear voices aside from my own and the whispers in my head. I want to be patient enough to care for those important to me. Patient for the process and growth.
I don't know how I'll work on these for now but I think I'm in the right direction. Like what an old friend once told me:
Focus sa self.
Not. I shouldn't really do this anymore. We're done with that. Nmore myself.
Just a few more...
Perseverance-- ends the moment it appears. On and off. I quit before I even started. Exerting time and effort became tiresome. The thought of trying made me cringe. Attempts are futile as outcomes were already calculated in my mind. Failure was imminent. But how would I have known unless I tried?
Acceptance-- not to me, not to anyone. I deny myself any positive affirmation. Rejecting the kindness people offer yet rejections were also unbearable. Worthlessness deemed by my own. Why is it easier to accept this so?
| I can't understand myself anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people. The one who understands and accepts and the one who rejects and pushes. Saying all of these but even I started believing less in my own words because of my inner contradictions. I'm beginning to wonder which part of me is the real one. |
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Perseverance and acceptance are both things I deny myself of. I don't know where this is going but even if I wanted to say how much I've been trying is enough, I feel that it isn't.
In the end, I want to believe that all of this will come back to me. I want to appreciate the process and no matter the outcome I have to accept it.
I'm told that being able to identify your wrongs, accept them, and fix them is part of the process of healing. This just seems like your way to atone but to other people involved, the wrongs we've done caused them pain. We can no longer erase that. The best we can do is to forgive ourselves even though difficult, and let those affected heal over time.
I've made so many mistakes. Especially to the people I love. People that I am supposed to care for. All of this is for me to accept. All of this is for me to carry. And to this I'm carrying, I'll spread it slowly and gently over the path that I choose to take. Hoping someday, the garden of my zen turns lush again.
When was the last time you took time to reflect on yourself? Do you ever think that the current you are something you're proud of? What are you, now? and "what have you become?"
Background photo from Dmitriy Zub.
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