Hey there! It's been a while. You've probably forgotten about me so let me re-introduce myself. My name's Nmore, your ultimate emotera gorl. The past several months have been difficult, especially December and January. From having emotional breakdowns to almost losing the love of my life. Yeah, life has been a drag and suddenly, let's add an infatuation to my bowl of mixed emotions.
This infatuation... Wait no, let's not call her that. A shallow liking? I mean, I like her enough to care for her. I like her enough that I think about her several times a day. So is this more than infatuation? Is this more than a shallow like? I'm unsure but the only thing I'm sure of is I want her in my life.
Let me introduce you to the girl I'm talking about. Let's call her Shae. Shae is a very likable person. She is kind, approachable, understanding, and patient. It is difficult to dislike a person like that. So maybe it was a natural occurrence that Shae would have her share of admirers. I met her online through a mutual friend. I didn't like her the first time I talked to her. For some reason, she stirs up some kind of irritation within me. Maybe it's because I found her to be the type of person who hides within her skin of steel. On the other hand, I was outspoken and straightforward. This is where we are total opposites, aside from that we have a lot in common. Baking, reading books, the love for sopas, favorite movies, and perspective on life are some of those.
From today onwards, I will be blogging about things related to her. So let's start from the beginning: my feelings of infatuation.
In the midst of all these emotions — some I am unfamiliar with — I describe these in this poem.
There is a flame inside me that keeps on growing.
The flame scatters and becomes uncontrollable.
Trying to suppress this raging feeling.
I, like a child, cling to things that aren't mine.
Sometimes I cannot grasp reality.
When I can't see anything but you.
This is a sin I'd pay for eternity.
I wouldn't mind, all I need is you.
I reach out my hand out to thin air.
Feeling the wind as it passes through my fingers.
I wonder when will I disappear.
Along with the burning sensation in my eyes.
Those cold nights I waited alone.
Dark and cold nights filled with anxiety.
Crying inside but smiling for you to see.
I don't mind just please show me some sincerity.
It just feels lonely. Constantly longing for a person. We give them our time in exchange for the hopes of them giving it back, even if it is just a little. We just wait and risk. All we can do is wait for them to come to us. We can't ask anything from them even if we're feeling this way. We just stay because it's our choice to bet and risk our feelings just to be closer to this person. Just for their attention and acknowledgment.
It was a constant struggle of keeping my feelings in check. I had to ask myself over and over what this really was. Once I was sure, like my honest ass idiot self, I confessed my feelings, sitting beside her and then looking straight into her eyes I blurted, "I like you".
Shae really didn't believe my confession. Well, maybe I seemed like a joke(?) because most of the time I kid to mask my real emotions. This was something I wouldn't joke about though. I always take my feelings seriously. I'm just that type of person. Wallow in sadness, laugh wholeheartedly, overthink my mistakes, and so on...
It's complicated when you think about it. I already have a partner for life and yet here I am almost free falling nonstop to this girl. I do apologize to Arc because sometimes my mind's just clouded with thoughts of Shae. It must be that New Relationship Energy. In such a short time, I found myself struggling to get myself out of the ditch that I dug.
The frustrations, butterflies in my stomach, constant daydreams, the confusion, the push and pull, the mixed signals, overthinking of the future, my existence in her life, and the constant self-question "What am I to her?" I just can't help but, at some point, seize to function.
I forgot that one-sided infatuations really felt like this. I guess I forgot about it since the last infatuation I had prior to Shae was 12 years ago. I just want to get to know her better. I wanted to spend some time with her. To make memories. I wanted to exist within the space of her comforts. I wanted her to rely on me. However, all of these are just wishful thinking.
Now, I'm even more messed up compared to before but when she came into my life, I started to want things for myself again. I started to care about living and all the other things around me. I wanted to be someone who was capable of taking care of both Arc and Shae.
I never once thought that a depressing person like me, who gave up having nice things a long time ago, strongly wants to continue this struggle so I could continue on surviving with Arc and Shae. Yeah, I won't mind. I mean I am not aspiring to be someone great. I just want to be enough for them so please just let me dream again.
