Difficult relationship with grown children are indeed very painful. The relationship could be improved, but it takes time and patience. As a parent, realize that the first step in repairing the relationship falls on you, by trying to start the contacts though if you are not sure you have made the mistake that keeps him away. Value limit and do not force to enter. You also need to make their own restrictions. Learn to accept what is, and regard the freedom and ability to make choices for yourself.
There are 4 methods to fix a relationship rift with children
Method 1, Contact Child
1 . know what is wrong.
Before contacting the child, perhaps you should find out why she hurt or upset you. Such information can be obtained directly from him, or from others who know this situation. In order to improve the relationship, you have to figure out the problem.
- After gaining an idea, think about the next step and what you want to communicate with the child.
- contact him and ask. You can say, "you know, Ms. Reni baseball want to talk same mother now, but mom wants to know what the mother's fault. Do you want to tell? If you want to talk baseball, baseball is nothing, but the mother please you want to write a message. The mother of baseball could fix the problem if baseball knows what the problem is. "
- If you do not get a response, ask other family members or friends who might know what happened. For example, "Jo, you're never the same chat your sister recently? He baseball want to talk the same mother, and the mother of baseball knows what the problem is. You know what happened? "
- Even though you've been trying to optimally search for reasons behind the merenggangnya relationships, realize that you probably still can't figure out what happened. However, don't let that stop your intentions to improve relations with the child.
2 . Try to contemplate.
Think of the reasons what presumably that makes the child away. Whether she is triggered by something from the past? Whether there was recently a major change in life that cause rift (such as death in the family, or child birth)? Maybe you've refused to communicate with a child for some time, and now he who does not want to communicate with you.
- Remember that grown children become strangers to parents who divorced. Children from a failed marriage feels that her parents are more their own happiness rather than prioritizing child (though divorce is the best option). Typically, in a divorce, one parent speaks ill of the other parents, unaware that children absorb whatever is spoken. This situation negatively affect the relationship of children and elderly people in the future, especially if one of the parents is just slightly touch or nothing at all when the child grew up. Children whose parents divorced might be hurt because it was not a priority.
3 . take a step ahead.
Anyone wrong, parents generally have to take the first step in an attempt to berbaikan with the child. Ignore the injustice of this situation and tanggalkan ego. If you want to get in touch again with the children, realize that you should lend a hand, and never pull it again.
- any age child, 14 or 40 years, he would still like to know that she is loved and appreciated by parents. One way to show that you love and respect children are willing to fight to restore a harmonious relationship as before. Remember this if you feel it's not fair because the load to berbaikan there is on you.
4 . contact the child
Although you want to immediately meet, maybe the child will feel more comfortable if you contact via the phone, message, or mail. Appreciate his needs and will give him a chance to respond at a time that he has chosen of its own. Be patient and wait for the response a few days.
- Rehearse what you want to say before calling. In addition, be prepared to leave a voice message. You can say, "Tomi, the father would like to meet to talk about what you feel. Do you want to meet father sometime? "
- Send a text message or email. You could write like this, "Mother understand you are disappointed once, and am sorry for hurting you. If you are ready, I hope you'd like to meet to talk about it. Please you know when you are ready. Mother love and miss you. "
5 . write letters
There is a possibility the child was reluctant to meet. If that is the case, you can write a letter. Tell them that you apologize for hurting him, and say that you understand why he felt this way.
- write letters also are therapeutic for you. What was written to clarify the feelings and help you organize your emotions. In addition, you can set Word for required in order that the result exactly as desired.
- Suggest to meet when the child is ready. You could write, "Dad know you are angry now, but Dad hope, someday, we can meet and talk. Dad's door is always open. "
6 . Accept the restrictions that he created.
The child may be open to communicate, but not ready to meet in person (and may never be ready). He may only want to send email or talk on the phone. Don't make him feel guilty when you're trying to open up the opportunity to get to meet someday.
- If the end you only associate with through email, you could write, "Father pleased we can now communicate via email. Father please later we got to the point of being comfortable to meet directly, but there is no pressure for that. "
Method 2, Do the first Conversation
1 . set the meeting.
If your children want to talk directly, suggest to eat together in public places. The selection of a public place is a great idea because you're both alike will hold your emotions, and eating together is one way to develop a relationship.
- Make sure you are only two. Don't bring a partner or other supporters. If there are other people, children will probably feel attacked.
2 . Let him lead the conversation
Listen to the complaint without dispute or defend themselves. He may have come to expect an apology. If you think so, don't be reluctant to explicate the apology.
- At the beginning of the meeting the apology probably will help her to know that you are aware has hurt him, and created "game balance". After apologizing, you could ask him to talk about what he felt.
3 . Listen to your child without judgment.
Remember that his view is valid even if you don't agree. Recovery can happen when she feels heard and understood, and that you open at an angle of view.
- Willingness to listen without judging and self-defense would encourage children to be honest. What you hear may be very painful, but understand that he needed to explicate and pulled out her feelings.
- You can say, "sorry Dad has made you feel like it, and want to understand it. Can you continue? "
4 . Admit error.
Understand that you cannot completely berbaikan if you don't admit that you also contribute to causing problems. Grown children want their parents take responsibility for their actions. So, show me that you want to be responsible, regardless of whether you are sure you have made a mistake or not.
- Even if you don't understand why a child upset, admit that he is angry. Don't be trying to justify your behavior. Instead, listen to and apologizing for making him hurt.
- Try to understand his views. Empathy doesn't mean agreeing, but it shows that you understand his views. Understand the other person's point of view is an important part in efforts to resolve conflict.
- You can say, "Dad realized already humorous too hard little time to grow up. Dads just want you to be successful. Dad could understand if you think Daddy is never satisfied. That's not the intent, not at all. Now Dad can see why you feel that way. "
5 . Resist the urge to discuss your own feelings.
Although it seems unfair, now is not the right time to carry the grief and pain you because it cannot communicate with children of her own. Realize that she needs time to process the emotions and organize everything. Talk about grief, anger, and disappointment you will make children think that you want to make him feel guilty, and ultimately reluctant to improve relations.
- You can say, "mother Miss chatting similar you know mom, but sometimes you need time to yourself."
- Do not declare such complaints, the "mother of the depression because you Nah never call" or "do you know the ordeal the mother felt for not hearing anything from you?"
6 . Tell me that you're sorry.
A good apology has to state what your mistake (so he knows that you understand), expressing remorse and offering ways to improve. Say sorry sincerely acknowledging the wounds of his heart. Remember, you should still apologize though sure your actions are correct. The bottom line right now is restoring the hurting children, instead of looking for who's right and who's wrong.
- You can say, "Tina, father apologize for hurting you. Father knows you have to face many problems the time dad still likes to drink. So sorry Dad has made so many mistakes in my kanakmu. Dad understand you want to keep your distance, but Dad hope we can fix it. "
- Do not attempt to justify your actions when apologize, even if you feel you have the right reasons behind these actions. For example, "Father apologize for menamparmu five years ago, but that's because you fight," is not an apology, and thus make the more defensive.
- Remember that a sincere apology and effectively based on your actions, not the reaction of others. For example, say "sorry, melukaimu's mother behavior." However, "sorry if your heart hurt," is not an apology. Never use "If".
7 . Consider family therapy.
If the child is ready, you can undergo family therapy with her to discuss her feelings in the presence of expert professionals. Marriage and family therapists will guide family members to identify dysfunction behaviour and devising a solution to a problem. Family therapy also sought to recognize and strengthen family ties with each other.
- Family therapy are generally short-term and focused on one problem that plagued the family. You or your child may be advised to meet separate therapists to focus on individual complaints.
- To find a marriage or family therapist, ask for recommendations from your doctor, ask the service center or the Department of community health, or search for your nearest therapist on the internet.
Method 3, appreciate and set Limits
1 . Start by slowly.
Hold the urge to relate as if never happened anything. In most cases, the broken relationships can't be fixed just overnight. It took a matter of weeks, months, or even years so that the relations could go back "normal", depending on whether or not the root cause of severe kerenggangan itself.
- Remember that you may have to go through some tough talks as long as both parties to process feelings. Nearly impossible issue could be completed and everything is back as it was before with just one conversation.
- Add a contact gradually. At first, the children meet in a public place. Don't invite him to family events, such as birthday parties, unless she seems ready and willing to come.
- You can say, "we would glad if you want to come to the family arisan, but mothers understand that you don't want to. It's okay, I know you need some time. "
2 . Realize that your children are grown.
Now, he is an adult who is able to take decisions on its own. You may not approve of some of his decision, but let him independently and live his own life. Interfacing of living grown children may thus making him maintain a distance. [16]
- Do not offer unsolicited advice. Hold the drive to correct the child's life, and let him make a mistake.
3 . Do not give advice on parenting, if she already has children of her own.
Parents are sometimes not easy parenting advice received from the outside even though the intent is good. So, do not offer your opinion, unless requested. You are already raising children of her own, now give the opportunity on the next generation to raise their children.
- Tell them that you value and respect the principles and the expectation in parenting. For example, if Your grandchildren time to watch TV limited, tell his parents that you are also going to apply the rules in your House, or ask first if the rules must be broken for a while.
4 . Search counselling for yourself.
An attempt to berbaikan with a child is a part of life that is difficult and painful. You may need to ask for expert help mental health professionals to regulate emotions, as well as to develop effective communication and strategies to resolve the problem. [18]
- You may need to see a therapist who specializes in family issues. However, remember that the individual therapist would probably give a reference on another therapist if you want to work with to resolve the issue with the presence of a counselor. It is needed so that the Counselor remain objective.
- You can also seek help from a support group forum on the internet. You can find others who are facing similar problems, and discuss problems and share success stories.
5. Try diligently, but don't push.
If the child does not respond to your attempts to communicate, keep trying. Send a greeting card, write a letter, or leave a voice mail, to convey that you think of him and wanted to talk.
- Make sure you give him space, and appreciate the distance and privacy he needs. Contact him no more than once a week, and reduce contacts if you know that your efforts are already troubling her. However, don't stop.
- You can say, "Hello Marisa, mothers just want to say hello and say that mother thinking. Mom hope you are fine. The mother of klezmer. You can contact the mother anytime you want to talk. Mother dear you, son. "
- Do not try to visit it. Value limits and go all the contacts that are not so disturbing.
6 . Acquiesce, if it's better so.
Grown children might perceive your attempts to reach him had already crossed the line and it is too much, even if you've never forced. He probably still doesn't want you to enter again into his life even though you've apologized and was remorseful. In that case, perhaps you should merelakannya for the sake of your own mental health, and retreat.
- Submit final actions to him. Send a message or leave a voice mail in which pitched like this, "Pras, father ye want to know father quit menghubungimu. Although sad, Dad would appreciate it and will not be contacted again after this. If at any time you wish to contact father, Daddy's here. Love you dad. "
- Remember that reconciliation may be difficult in cases involving the abuse of alcohol or drugs, mental illness, or unhealthy relationships in marriage a child (for example, your child is married to people who are too set up). Kerenggangan relationship may simply be a result of these problems, but you might not be able to do anything until the children complete the root of the problem.
- If the child is asked to not touch at all, consider finding a therapist to help you overcome the sadness of it. The rejection from the child faced very difficult, and you may need additional support.
The method 4, Accept Children for what it is
1 . Accept that children see life from a different point of view.
You may have lived in the same House and missed a lot of time together, but the perception of someone still very different from other people. Admit that memory or perspective of the child the same validnya with you.
- The views of someone quite different depending on age, the dynamics of power, or the closeness of the relationship. For example, moving the city might be good for you, but having a hard time because he had no choice but to follow.
- Separate Reality is part of family life. For example, when You were a kid, your parents take you to the museum. Their memory about the time it may be the exhibition interesting and exciting family event. What you remember is probably overheating in the fluffy jacket and that dinosaur bones make you afraid. Memories of you and your parents are equally valid, only different perspectives.
2 . Accept each other's differences.
The relationship may be stretchable because one or both of the parties do not agree on the choice of life to another. Although maybe you can not change the attitude of children, show that you accept him for what it is, no matter what happens.
- Take steps to show that you've changed. For example, if you had not agreed, he became an artist, try learning the beauty of art and art classes for your own.
- You can also say that you're reading a particular book to try to understand perspectives.
- If the child away because it did not agree with the choice of your life, it will be more difficult. You must be firm and confident, but still shows that you love him. Try my best to continue to communicate and find the opportunity to meet him.
3 . Appreciate the right to disagree with you.
You do not need to change opinions or beliefs, but don't ever show you don't appreciate it. You can still appreciate and love someone even though it does not agree with the choice. The opinion is not necessarily the same.
- Appreciate the difference in his view as much as possible. If you are religious and not, you may be able to choose not to church on weekends she is visiting.
- Search subject in addition to the problems that can give rise to debate. If the child begins to talk about a topic that first gave birth dispute, you could say, "Win, the better we do not discuss about that now. Dad sense every time we talk about it, that there is only only pacified. "
Reference
https://id.wikihow.com
Thanks and hopefully useful
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@nisaa 