Hot
Steamy
Sweaty
Screams
Intense
Perturbed
Disturbed
Herded
Angry
Windows
Droplets
Lights
Illusion
My withdrawal has been slowly percolating into my awareness. I think it began around May of last year. I don’t know. Somewhere near end of summer I noticed I’d had enough of it. I had watched some clip showing some conflict of two groups of people getting into each other’s faces about some issue (which issue doesn’t matter, it’s always the same game).
I couldn’t figure out who was on what side of what. Identical behaviour by those on both sides of some issue. Each group stood screaming at the other, going nowhere, accomplishing nothing. One coin, two sides. Each side is lost in their beliefs, their egos, and their illusions of what they think is real. Trapped in the duality game. Pawns in this chessboard world.
A highlight moment for me, coupled with months of the same sort of happenings, different circumstances. I dare not be too explicit here, since if I do, it will again, offend someone(s), who have little, if any, concept of self-responsibility.
The kind that constantly complain. The kind that continually poke and prod others for reactions. The kind that hold grudges, dealing vengeance as they see fit. The kind that make you pay for being true to yourself when you’re supposed to only do what they want you to do. The kind that spew anger and hate overtly or passive aggressively. The kind quite happy to suck your energy dry while giving little to nothing in return.
These people are also sometimes the kind that wants things to change for the better (in what way?). If you need to protest that you want your freedom, you already hold the belief that you are not free; therefore you’ve placed yourself in a cage of your own construction.
You Want Change??? Change begins with you taking responsibility for yourself and your entire way of being in this world. It’s far easier to dump truck blame anywhere but your own doorstep. This is the easy way out. The unworthy path that gets you nowhere but more enchained. A time waster of energy that further fuels the fire that’s burning. Yeah, I said it. Suck it up buttercup.
Maybe I’m just out of patience. Maybe it’s because I still can’t confirm if my mother’s dead. Neither can her brother. It’s going on nine months of not knowing. I’m not complaining. I’m wondering how many other people go through similar. Maybe I’m just tired. I know I’m weary of all the anger, hate, and fighting about everything and anything. It’s too easy to become what you hate minus the self-awareness of acting with the same behaviour you’ve experienced, thinking it’s going to change things. An eye for an eye does nothing but make both blind.
If you’re o f f e n d e d, it’s time to grow up, to learn how to manage yourself and your emotions. It’s time to stop holding others responsible for emotions that you generate from within yourself. Your emotions are solely your responsibility. Grow up. Yeah, I said it. Suck it up buttercup.
Exposure to an ongoing diet of such disgusting behaviour adds nothing palatable to my day. It drains me of precious life energy best directed towards productive endeavours, such as managing my own life and being self-responsible. Yeah, I practice what I preach, or I’d never say it in the first place.
Years of long ago yesterdays, I wasted energy on a great deal. I learned the hard way. I learned to stop feeding that which I should not. These days, I have far less time and energy accessible. I’m consciously choosing not to waste it on barren, unfertile ground.
People don’t like it when you set boundaries. People don’t like it when you say, “NO”. People especially don’t like it when you call them out on their shite. Such things could be avoided, if only the person(s) would choose to learn acceptance of the word “NO”, said the first time, not twice, thrice, or nine times nine.
It sucks when you get a good look at yourself in the mirror, seeing all these ugly parts you don’t like and don’t want to accept in yourself. It’s easier to deny, avoid all that, blame others, and keep setting yourself up to fall flat on your face. Such is the plight of most of the human race. Such was my plight until I freed myself.
Often enough, people think I’m ”on their side” about whatever. As time goes on, it’s inevitable that there will be something, or several somethings where I differ in my position. This is a determining moment as to whether acceptance of differences is forthcoming or I get shut out. Birds of a feather do indeed stick together.
I’m on no one’s “side”. I refuse to play this duality game of choosing sides about any issue. It’s always a duality trap. I decide for myself using my inner compass. I navigate my own path. Sometimes that path runs similar to others. This has the potential of resulting in others leading themselves to believe that I am on their side about all ways in which they see the world. They choose to see an illusion of their own construction. They do not see me clearly.
There is no changing others. There is no saving others. There is only changing how one chooses to be in any given moment or circumstance. I’m withdrawing. Step by step removal of myself from toxic people, situations, and environments. Mitigation of toxicity in a profoundly sick world that grows sicker by the day. I’m so weary of it all.
