"You ought to be great by now." "Why aren't you there yet? "Your batchmates are way much ahead of you now. What are you doing with your life?"
I was expected to excel, to earn a thick amount of cash, and not yet to get married at a young age. I am the typical Filipina raised by a typical Filipino family. I grew up wanting to be recognized by my wit and talents. I grew up searching where to belong. But then I grew up far from what my family expected me to become. I became better with words than numbers, better with journalism than structural analysis, and better as a photographer than an engineer. I went down to the path that was not led for me for fifteen years of education. I am here, amidst of emotional battle. I am here, lost.
It has been a year since I last wrote a blog because for that one year I actually did try to comeback to the path where my family are cheering at the finish line. But in the middle of that constant trying, I failed constantly. I was half way in my review when my interest in photography grew deeper and that was the time when I and my partner are receiving clients for prenup, wedding and birthday photo shoots. I took my passion and profession side by side, trying to balance and continue juggling the two. But then a month before the examination day, I noticed something different in my body and my period had stopped to visit. I was excited and bought six pregnancy test kit. I tried them all, three of which gave me positive result and the remainder gave me otherwise. Then I confirmed everything through a blood test; I am indeed bearing a tiny angel inside me. I jumped for joy and thank God for the blessing. The news cheered me up and I must admit that I almost forgot about my licensure exam. But days after the breaking news of my pregnancy, all the worries doomed me when I had my first ultrasound (TVS). "There is no sign of life inside you, I'm sorry.", said my OB-Gyne. I immediately went out and seek for second advice from a different doctor. "Monitor your abdomen for a week and if there is pain, come back and we'll have you checked prior to your surgery.", said the second doctor I visited. As those words slowly entering my system, I felt a numb in my face and I couldn't open my mouth. I also felt my feet were glued on the floor. I was devastated.
I prayed hard and prepared myself for my exam when one morning I felt dizzy and there my morning sickness had begun. After almost two weeks, I had myself checked again and my ultrasound showed a sac, where a baby should be formed. It was a good news. I felt relieved. I felt like I already passed my exam. And a few weeks after, I finally heard my baby's heartbeat. I was overjoyed and my heart is singing praises. That was also the same week for my exam. I know I was ready for it. I and my angel were ready. But an unfortunate situation happened. Just two days before the examination date, I experienced terrible morning sickness that lasted from the moment I opened my eyes til it shut down. I almost did not feel anything except from a heavy head. And to my fear, it lasted until the last day of my exam. I had to submit my test papers with half of it solved and the rest were simply chosen depending on my luck. I was about to pass out when I submitted my papers. Before exiting the building I went to the comfort room and cried. I know I will not make it to the passers rolls. Days passed and I confirmed my failure but instead of mourning, there was a different kind of strength I felt in my heart and I thought to myself, "Everything happens for a reason."
So I continued living life with fresher outlook in mind, an angel in my tummy and a renewed faith in my heart. Not long after that when I broke the news to my family. And to my surprise, I never heard anything hurtful blames. There was a little disbelief in their tone but overall they welcomed the news with a happy and grateful heart. Indeed, a typical Filipino family. The tiny organization you can always lean on.
This has been 
Author's Note:
After a year of hiatus, I have finally made my comeback on steemit. I have been seeing a lot of new usernames here and I am thrilled to see more. I am still grateful to the team I was once part, to the friends I made and to everyone who are still here. Here is my introductory post which was published two years ago. And I must admit, a few things have changed. First, the age hahaha as I am now 24 years young. Second, additional contribution would be photography and some small talks about pregnancy. And lastly, in the next few months I will become a Mrs. Well, I will also be publishing my preparation for this tight-budget wedding real soon and will be sharing to you some hacks, too. Stay tuned steemians! Lovelots!
Nikka Ganzan, the author
I was destined to be a successful civil engineer but my heart belongs to literature. And if I have learnt something from the past years of struggles, it is maybe this - "Sometimes a leap of faith is what you need in order to find happiness. Because if you are not to become a happy person, then what's the purpose of life then?".
I tried working in an industry with the use of my maximum skills in my chosen field and I was earning big (bigger than what I expected), yet I was not happy. In between those times, I found deeper and stronger interest in my first and second love - writing and photography.
And so here I am, in my little corner in the blockchain. I hope you had a good read and check out more here --->
