Excuse me in advance if I give too many f*cks.
Because you can't be emotional when you're speaking about social issues, or injustice, as a woman. You can't be angry either, even though the areas that need honest conversation, or honest activism, are mostly well deserving of some moral outrage.
It's just that, as a woman, if you speak up about these kinds of things with any kind of emotion... you'll only been seen as an "angry" woman. A "resentful" woman. A "crazy" woman. A "bitter" woman. A man hater. A "dyke" maybe. Or just plain ol' "unreasonable", "dramatic" and "emotionally unstable".
No. You can't be too emotionally invested, in anything important, as a woman...
if you wish to have any kind of authority or to even be taken seriously enough to, possibly, be heard.
Wednesday, 12 October 2022 - 5:40am
I've been carefully avoiding writing this post all week and I'm still not sure if I can do it.
I open the browser, write a line... and find myself distracting myself with admin. I tell myself I'm being polite by responding timeously but... I know enough now...
to know that my voice has disappeared again.
This happens because women in the world I live in are usually judged, ostracized and hurt when they speak their truth. Or any kind of truth. The unspoken threat of violence for doing this is such an intrinsic part of my society, that we generally aren't even aware that it's happening all around, and to us, most of the time.
It's just "the way things are" around here.
I woke up in tears in the still dark before sunrise this morning.
And I wasn't "hysterical" or "over-reacting".
I wasn't "being dramatic" either.
These inappropriate labels for any kind of emotional response are obvious "red flags" of a "toxic" relating style.
Telling somebody that their feelings aren't valid, that their reality isn't valid (or that it's not even real) is abuse.
There's no way of sugar coating this.
I think we all know, at this stage, what the term "gaslighting" means and how it's usually applied. And what it's associated with as well. But this response to a human being, walking this world in the body of a female, if they get p!ssed off about being treated disrespectfully or are even being outright hurt...
is still, somewhat bizarrely, considered "normal" and "okay".
And often... even funny.
Are you able to imagine being laughed at while you're being hurt?
But while South Africa is, globally, renowned for being a particularly embarrassingly, out-dated, patriarchal and outright abusive society in their dealings with our women and children ...
Women in situations of violence, from South Africa, are formally accorded refugee status by other more conscious, progressive, evolved and educated countries because of how bad things are here... still...
... I don't, honestly, believe that things really are much better in the majority of other countries either.
It's only that they're a bit less obvious to see.
So don't, for f*cks sake, "over-react" when a woman is murdered because she accidentally had some hair showing.
Because things will probably go a bit like this:
Folks will nod because this story is horrific and they don't want to seem uncaring, to lack empathy or to be (more importantly for most people these days) seen as politically incorrect.
But generally... at their innermost core... they're still probably going to roll their eyes a little bit and think to themselves: "Gawd. She's so emotional."
And it isn't only men who do this.
It's time for all of us to get honest.
Or nothing is ever going to change.
We humans, in the society I inhabit, walk around subconsciously believing some pretty interesting double standards regarding gender are quite "normal" and "just the way things are".
And, as such, our perception (and hence treatment) of different genders is very f*cking skewed as well. Yet, we barely bother to point it out or to question it.
Perhaps because a lot of it is so subtle that most of us aren't really aware of it. Perhaps because some of us even believe things have changed and gotten better.
And perhaps they may have seemed to in some places. Newish laws. Legally written and bound in black and white.
The thing is... not many of us have even taken the time to educated ourselves on these laws anyway.
After my own experience of exactly how ignorant I was...
I sometimes wonder if many other people have also never read their country's Act on what constitutes gender violence. Or Human Rights Violations. Or even criminal behaviour.
What is punishable by law, I mean.
Because there are behaviours and actions that are considered crimes. Legally. And there is no emotion or philosophy necessary to understand whether a crime has been committed or not. Really. It is (supposed to be) "black or white".
For example... murder is murder.
No matter how you try to spin it.
And no matter what book you read.
I also never bothered to read our constitution or any of our legal acts.
Not fully.
I finally did when I wanted to know if it was actually just me, or if what I was seeing around me was somehow socially acceptable and I was the one who was "crazy" and "over-reacting".
It was just me, by the way.
It was only me who, suddenly, could see things clearly and in all their unpleasantly glaring truth in my family and social circle.
Because it was just me who's life was finally being personally affected by gender-bias, stereotyping and the subsequent violence these encourage and perpetuate.
Sadly... the new social circles I discovered, as I began to become more educated, made it very, very apparent that I wasn't the only person who was being personally affected by these things.
Not even remotely.
It's just not considered socially acceptable to talk about.
Or safe to talk about it because of this.
So yes... it was me who, suddenly, understood I'd remained willfully ignorant for years because these conversations don't make you popular.
And they can even get you killed as it turns out.
Sure... Once upon a time I maybe shared a post on GBV ( Gender Based Violence) on Fakebook during the week of awareness for the cause, because it was safe to engage with in that not-enough-for-any-substantial-change time frame.
I say safe because it's only during an awareness campaign that there won't be much backlash or negative consequences personally.
It may even be construed as cool, conscious and "woke".
It's interesting that sharing or speaking about this exact topic turns a person into a total social pariah literally less than a week after the campaign is over, huh?
I used to believe I was strong and outspoken.
But, looking back, I was only vociferous and outspoken about the causes that were acceptable and "cool". The causes that were "safe".
Awareness about Racism, global warming or government corruption.
But the causes that it took any real personal compromise to support? I was also often too afraid of standing up, and stepping out of the general consensus of socially acceptable, because of the possible social backlash.
Or even to man up and educate myself about them a bit more.
And it's not my fault.
And it's not anybody's else's fault who hasn't done this either.
Because the pack can be f*ckin' feral and brutal.
Who would want to risk being the next possible target these days?
A quick reminder:
Fear is by far the simplest way to control people and to keep the status quo in place.
Saturday, 15 October 2022 - 17:51pm
I'm on day 4 of trying to write this f*cking post and I'm still resisting it as hard as I can, despite knowing I'm morally and ethically obliged to do it.
Because I can no longer claim ignorance. Or feign ignorance.
I wish that I could un-see some of what I've witnessed, over these last years, but there are some stories a person can't forget.
So I'm back here trying to write this... day four later than that morning I woke up weeping before sunrise.
I was hell bent on not feeling what I have to feel, that morning and the day or two of prior procrastination, to get this post written.
A person has to look back, and remember, to share their experience.
But I was more focused on "forgetting". On distracting myself. On procrastinating. I was so focused on trying to avoid this conversation, and having to sit with my own experience of walking in this world in the physical form of a woman, that I couldn't find my clothes when I woke up in the dark.
But I couldn't go back to sleep either.
I rummaged under and around the bed covers looking tor bits of clothing and managed to find the underwear I'd pulled off with my yoga pants, half asleep sometime during the night. I couldn't find the pants so I threw on a gown, got up bare legged and went outside to smoke. Still half naked despite the cold.
A "hot mess" I sat there thinking to myself.
And it struck me that the majority of men I meet in the world would think this is sexy as f*ck.
And that some of the men reading this would find me half naked in the dark hours before sunrise, weeping at the cruelty we human beings are capable of, more interesting than my obvious distress that led to it. Or more interesting than the reasons sh!t like this is still happening.
A "hot mess".
This says a lot, doesn't it?
I'll leave you to consider what this turn of words might mean, for you personally, more fully.
Go on. Let it simmer.
I dare you.
We women like to think we're "liberated" enough to no longer need rescuing these days. We can rescue ourselves, right? We can stand up for ourselves, right?
Of course we can.
If we are prepared to accept the consequences of doing so.
What if I suggested that even believing that a woman is totally capable of thriving and protecting herself is just keeping gender bias, prejudice and discrimination nicely in place... by avoiding it entirely.
Because we're still not seeing the situation clearly or acknowledging any real kind of "truth" by claiming such a thing.
But we can fight for and rescue ourselves, right?
Of course we can!
We can simply say no, or speak our truth and stand up for ourselves.
Just don't speak too freely, though, if you are a woman. Just don't stand too strong. And don't speak too much truth.
We all know this. We all know this at our core. Surely?
Isn't this why women still say to other women, "Don't air your dirty laundry"?
I'll ask respectfully this time:
Please... Please, take the time to sit with this expression as well and really look at what is being said here.
By women. To women.
This is violence.
Again.
And it's NOT only men who are responsible for this.
Why would a woman judge and oppress another woman, probably, knowing full well what it's like to be subjugated, oppressed or abused herself?
Either we've been so efficiently head f*cked that we think male privilege and entitlement is "normal" (boys will be boys, right?), or we're too scared of the social consequences of saying stop it already.
Because we may even be beaten to death.
There's an unspoken threat of retaliation (from both men and women) that keeps both men and women (again) silent. And this prevents us from even having this conversation to the degree that it needs to be had to, possibly, resolve any of this.
We're raising our children with this bullsh!t gender stereotyping and all of the mental and emotional destruction that comes with it, by the way. This is not all about us. And it's past due we grew the f*ck up and adulted enough to understand this now.
This type of bias and stereotyping, and the inevitable judgement and bullying that goes with it, is directly linked to many young people not only struggling emotionally and mentally with their identity, self worth and place in the world... but who are even killing themselves to end their pain.
And we're ALL responsible at this point.
Ignorance isn't considered any kind of defense in a court of law, as far as I know.
People often still think I'm being "irrational" or "difficult" when I try to share more information about how gender-bias and stereotyping "work".
And the reason I'm sharing this with you, by the way, is because I believe it is this that needs to be addressed to stop events like the death of Mahsa Amini moving forward in full.
So in order for me to not be "dramatic", I'll just give you one example on how gender-bias "worked" for me personally.
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Not one person in a position of authority, in either the private sector, the government sector or in my social circle even bothered to do their own research or investigation into the events that unfolded 2019.
Not. One. Single. Person.
A man told his "side of the story" and was simply believed. And a woman told her "side of the story" and was assumed to... well... pick one of the assumptions listed in the first couple of paragraphs. It could be any one or all of those.
No. Investigation. Done.
How interesting (and terrifying) is that?
This is why I've chosen to share my (only foundation phase) learning of bias and stereotyping for this prompt because this, in my experience, is how something like the murder of Mahsa Amini could still happen in 2022.
And how this could happen while (I imagine) many men within hearing distance of the situation may have stopped it. But did nothing.
And probably some women as well.
Thursday, 13 October 2022 - 10:18am
The only thing all of this thinking and remembering has done is leave me with a deep sense of weariness.
My soul feels tired.
That's how I'd describe it.
Because, without distracting from the horror of this graphically violent event...
that is silently repeating itself even now all around us every day...
after reading more about what is happening in Iran as a consequence, all I can say is here we are again.
And what is happening seems less about a human being losing her life now, and a family left grieving an immense loss, than it is about politics, power, personal motivation and greed.
And underlying ALL of this...
otherness and fear.
Because every which way this story is being spun to try and point fingers and assign blame only further divides us.
It only further separates us.
And this makes us even weaker.
This makes us pliable and easy to manipulate in whatever way anybody with an agenda sees fit.
We want to blame a gender. We want to blame a religion. We want to blame a country. We want to blame a philosophy, A political party. A system.
A society even.
And, perhaps, this last one is the closest we may get to finding an actual something to blame, so that we can avoid the very plain fact that we are ALL responsible for this.
Because it's not the religion that's the problem. It's not the country. Nor is it the system that's broken.
It's we the people.
It's the human beings in all of these situations that are responsible for hurting people. Not "the government". Or "the system".
It's the human beings who are supposed to be sticking to the ethos, principles and rules, who are rewriting things to suit themselves. It's the human beings inside the systems who are not "working" as they are meant to.
It's the human beings in positions of power and authority who are, due their own bias, ignorance, outright prejudice and fear...
f*cking things up.
And it's all of us, individually, who are choosing to do the same in many of our broken societies as well. Because healing ourselves, getting educated, dealing with our sh!t and skilling up requires grit, courage and, more often than not...
it's just too much work and far too uncomfortable, quite frankly.
But until all of us stand together and stop pointing fingers at some intellectual concept, or philosophical construct, and turn this conversation inwards to personally re-evaluate our own bullsh!t and probably not even personally chosen "beliefs"....
nothing is ever going to change.
Because we need to change our thinking.
We need to change.
My education on gender-bias, and the insidious way in which it still thrives, only began in 2019 at the age of 49. I seriously believed I was a liberated, free woman until I was educated by those with more experience.
I only wish I'd know how this all works sooner... especially for my children.
Thanks 
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Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
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